Do you Like?

Question

I need some constructive criticism.
Please tell me what you think of my poem.
If you like, star it,
but if u don't like it, tell me where I can fix it,

I will give best answer to most honest person.




Where No One is Alone

The wind sang through the midday sky,
The sun displayed delight.
Some birds began to mingle with,
The clouds intriguing white.

Twirling leaves drifted on the air,
The grass began to shift.
A sharp aroma filled the trees,
My breath began to drift.

I could not understand why I,
Never knew of such peace.
For just a single moment my,
Troubles commenced to cease.

A world of awe was all around,
Brilliant bliss consumed.
Nature was frozen long ago
But for me it resumed.

Blooming flowers, and stunning life,
Can shape a place unknown.
It’s safe to know that there’s a
Where no one is alone.

Answer 1

Don't put a comma at the end of a line just because it's the end of a line. Use punctuation normally. I was reading some lines with the comma pause which ruined your rhythm. Also, the third stanza is a little rough on meter. I suggest changing it to:

I could not understand why
I never knew such peace.
For just a single moment my
trouble commenced to cease.

Other than that, I enjoyed it. Vastly superior to what most post on here (which is more of an insult to what's posted here than a compliment, though).

Answer 2

Not bad - there are a couple of places where your meter is off a bit - where you have too many syllables in a line to make it flow. Common problem among young poets because they dont read their poems aloud to themselves before they post. If you read it aloud, you will see where it's rough and hard for you to get all the words in- that's where you need to drop a word or a syllable to even it out. Pax - C.

Answer 3

im assuming you're missing the word place in the second to last line...
it's pretty good, i like the tone and feeling. The way you read it is a little choppy, maybe you can make the words flow together a little more. good job!

Answer 4

It's choppy... kind of like you split the lines up in odd places. I love the feeling of it though.

Answer 5

It's lovely....but if you change it to suit others it will have lost the meaning. Keep it just as it is...I love it.

Answer 6

when i read the first phrase i wanted 2 read more. good poem