How do I get my 23 year old son to go out and find employment, a job??

Question

He lives at home. Bought a new computer with different games that he can play. This computer comes with a set of headphones that you can talk to & hear anybody in the world as your playing the games with them. Much like a telephone. That's all he does everyday and all night long. He's been short tempered and acting a little strange. I'm not happy at all with this but you can't tell him what to do.
How should my husband & I handle him other than kick him out??

He won some money in Las Vegas and used that towards his computer. We do NOT give him any more money.

Answer 1

I know exactly where you are coming from. My 19 year old son is addicted to his X-Box. I take full responsibility for getting him this way because I have expected nothing from him. I love him heaps, but unfortunately I have spoiled him and he thinks the world owes him I'm sure. I dont know how to undo the damage I have done. I should have been firm with him many years ago. You have probably done the same thing with your son, and it's not easy to change it. The thougth of kicking your son out is not an option and while I am sure you think about it (as I do), you couldnt do it.

I have started to make changes to the way I approach my son, but I am taking it very slowly because if I lay down the law harshly, then he is so headstrong, that he would probably leave and get himself into all sorts of trouble. I am now telling him, that I cannot afford certain things, that if he wants them, he will have to buy them himself. I havent done this in a mean manner....I have put this on myself....saying I cannot afford certain things and not saying YOU are sending me broke. Little by little I am taking away my financial support, so he is getting used to the changes slowly. It will get to a point ( I hope) when he will decide on his own that he cant live like this any more.

He would be reliant on you for his financial needs I would say, so you need to remove some of them. You need to allow him to be a bit more independent. I wont cook for my son now unless he cleans up after himself. I will not go down to the shops to get anything for him. I have explained to him, that I am not prepared to do anything for him, unless he returns the favour. He is starting to understand that I am serious....I am being consistent and he is starting to understand that now he is an adult, he is responsible for the choices he makes and if he wants something, then he is not a baby and old enough to make his life better. I re-inforce that every day. He asked me to make a phone-call. I tell him, you are an adult, make it yourself. He says whats for dinner. I say, the dishes havent been done, so you will have to make your own dinner...I am eating out. I have done this many times. I have gone out and have come home to a tidy kitchen.

I am not doing him any favours by babying him. It hurts me terrible because Iove him heaps. While what I am doing is not what you would call tough love, it is called making changes....but very slowly.

I dont know the answer myself, I am trying lots of different things. As parents we do the best thing we know how, and a lot of it is experimentation. That is what I am doing....experimenting with different ways in the hope that one will work.

You can look at this positively though. My son was a bit of recluse before he got his x-box, but with live chatting, it has picked up his confidence heaps. His communication skills have improved 100%. This would not have happened if he didnt talk to people live on the X-Box. He even met a girl and is meeting her in April some time. She comes from America....so I am hoping that this liason will make him grow up a bit (He has never had a girlfriend before). His self-esteem has improved a lot and I put that down to him having his x-box. I bet that is why you bought your son the computer in the first place. My son, in the early stages was short tempered and angry.....but with time, he is quite civil to me now. Maybe its the newness of the whole thing that is making him cranky...he doesnt want to be chastised, he just wants to enjoy his "friends"....even if they are only on-line friends. Its his life at the moment, but things will improve. Once he finds his self esteem, maybe he will want to find a job. Lack of self-esteem, especially in young men, can be so dibilitating. Give him some time, but in that time, when he becomes short tempered.....remind him that you gave him the computer, you can take it away just as easily. Be kind, but also remind him that he is living under your roof and the very least you expect from him, is some common courtesy and a bit of respect. I wouldnt be pushing the job thing with him just yet....Allow him the time to make on-line friends....allow his confidence to grow, then maybe you will be able to talk to him into doing more with his life.

I wish you luck.....I do know what it is like, and the solution is not as easy as people who have not been in this situation. Take care.

Answer 2

Leave him to it and comprehend that that is wherein your son starts to develop up. Wherever he's, he may not be in a position to stick lengthy without spending a dime then he will get the factor approximately getting a task. It'll most often take a at the same time however he will begin to overlook the matters he took with no consideration, and all of the sudden discover the importance of a mum, which he is by no means rather entirely favored. This is aspect of being a mum, looking them develop and making there possess errors, and you'll be able to must endure a bit of emotionally for a at the same time, it is going to be so much less difficult if you recognize that is all traditional. Rebellion, dislike for one or each mom and dad, and so on, and so on. The extra you attempt to monitor him down, rationale with him and so on, the extra he will suppose dependable approximately coming house while he needs, and he will keep away so long as viable to 'train' you a lesson. Turn the tables and get on together with your possess existence. When he feels he is all of the sudden received no wherein to return to, he will panic, comprehend you have been proper and could have discovered your importance as a mum.

Answer 3

You've received some good advice here, but I think there's one thing some people are forgetting. It takes time to get a job. There's no guarantee that a certain number of applications or sent resumes will yield a job offer. The important thing is that he look for a job. Maybe tell him that if he doesn't respond to a certain number of ads in the paper or whatever per week that you'll have to consider a tougher consequence. That's for you to decide. Maybe take away his computer or somehow turn off the power to his room so he can't use it?? And if you really don't trust him, you might have him prove that he's sending an application or resume by looking at it and taking him to turn it in or having him forward the email with the resume.

Answer 4

Give him a time frame to find a job, i.e., a couple of weeks. If he doesn't get a job kick his a** out. Let him find out just how hard it is to live on the streets without anything to eat/drink and no roof over his head and no one to take care of him. Maybe this will kick reality into his head. YOU NEED TO KICK HIM OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you or your son buy the computer? If you did, shame on you for giving him something to occupy his time instead of a job. If he did, make him sell it to help pay the bills he helps accrue such as electrical, telephone, internet, etc. Maybe his acting a little strange is due to these "games" he's been playing and then again, maybe he's into drugs!

Answer 5

This one is easy..

step:
1. Pack his bags
2. Put em on the curb
3. Hand him a $100 Bill
4. Say .. "Love ya but yer an adult you gotta go"
5. Call em a cab
6. Walk back in the house and sigh that sigh of relief

as long as you put up with this hes gonna do it (hell i would too) You have no legal resoponsibility to take care of an adult child (and i do mean child.. shoe fits wear it) If he wont leave.. the cops will make sure he does just a phone call away...

This is gonna sound harsh.. but... "what are you STUPID?" He has no reason to get a job.. why would he.. hes running the show... Sheesh...(and you already knew all this)

Answer 6

You answered your own question. You have enabled him to be a spoiled, do-nothing. You probably pay his bills, right? You and you husband need to sit him down, and give him an ultimatum- I'd give him 30 days to find a FULL TIME job, and start paying rent-or-30 days to grow up and move out. He may hate you now, but in the long run, it's in his best interest. If you let him be a boy forever-he will.

Answer 7

Hmm, if you aren't willing to kick his butt out there really isn't a whole lot left. You say he doesn't listen to you. Let me ask you this, he has no job but he can buy an expensive computer like that. Where did he get the money?

Answer 8

You have to confront him. If you don't want to kick him out, don't kick him out. But you have to set limits. Tell him that either he finds a job or he will never be able to be in your house again. Of course you don't really HAVE t mean it, but it might get him scared. If he still doesn't want to get a job tell him that he is wasting his life on the computer and that he will end up living on the street if he cant support himself. And if he still doesn't get a job than you have no choice but to kick him out. It will teach him a lesson and i think it needs to be taught.

Answer 9

I take it he is out of school and has the time to get a job. Give him 6 months to save money and leave.

On the other hand, I had a friend who paid for one year of rent for her son, furnished the apartment (with cheap furniture), had a mover move his things and handed him a key. Told him he was paid up for one year and deal with it. She also changed to locks on her home. He grew up and is doing fine. But not everyone can afford to do that.

Answer 10

Put your foot down and tell him he needs to start paying you rent and he needs to get a job tell him you are no longer supporting him, he needs to learn responsibility. Where did he get the money to buy the computer? if you gave it to him then you are not helping matters at all by giving him money. You also need to tell him that he has to pay some of the utility bill also. And that is how you do it and if he refuses tell him he has to move out.