my husband tells me he doesn't love me anymore he wants out of this marriage, I don't know how to deal with it

Question

after 20 years of being together he says he has not been happy for the last 5 years and tried everything to make this work. Now that the kids are off to college he wants out. I have no one around here and don't know what to do. He is my whole world. I love him so much and want to work this out.

let me add that he was in the military for 20years and i stuck by his side through thick and thin. spend alot of time alone during his frequent deployments.always faithful! he has changed since he retired from the military, I am 39 and he is 41. He's being going out every week and coming home late. Doesn't anwer his phone when I call. etc. I believe he has an affair with a girl he met at work. But he denies and swears on the kids that he doesn't. My bigest problem is lonliness i have no friends or no family here.

Answer 1

My uncle did the same thing to my aunt months before their 25th Anniversary. I don't understand how people can be together that long and then just start over. Marriage is so you have someone to grow old with. He was having an affair and I would suspect the same thing in your situation. He isn't going to admit it. He is selfish and you are probably better off without him, but my aunt was very lonely after the divorce and remarried some guy from the personals within a few months of knowing him. That lasted a few months and now she is engaged to some other guy she just met.

Even if you are lonely, don't settle for just anyone to fill the void. They also had an 18 year old daughter and she is a wreck now. It totally ruined her. Even though the kids are off to college it doesn't mean it's OK to break up their home. They want to come home from time to time and I am sure that this will also effect them. He had kids and now he needs to continue with his commitment to them as well as yourself.

I would try talking to a pastor if I were you. Our church has a lot of support groups and maybe you could find someone to talk to who is also having the same problems. I would also try marriage counseling. I know that the military does strange things to people. I have seen that first hand. He isn't the same man you married but you can still rekindle the love and passion you once had =)

If you need anyone to talk to then feel free to send me an email. I have been helping my aunt with her situation so I have an idea of what you are going through. I will be praying for you.

Answer 2

He is telling you, not asking you. That makes it a kind of closed-ended conversation, don't you think? I know you'd like to work it out but unless he goes to counseling with you, it won't happen. You can think that perhaps it will turn around and perhaps it will. But I am thinking he has been thinking about another life for some time. Now that the kids are in college, it is his chance - and he'd like to take it. Let him. Think about what, in the best of circumstances, you would like to do - that does NOT involve him. Then do it or try to do it. It will help you through the bad time of the break up, the leaving, the legal process, and the aftermath when you realize he's starting over. Enlist the help of any friends you can get to be near you when all of those things happen; you will want to cry. You aren't alone. A lot of people have had this happen, perhaps someone you know, even. Get some first-hand advice on how to cope. I'm so sorry it is happening to you.

Answer 3

20 years is a long time for any relationship. What I wonder is how old were you when you got married; have you ever lived on your own between living with parents and getting married.
Have you and your husband discussed these matters before? Just stayed together because of the kids? Many, many questions that you need to as yourselves.
Also, you NEED to think of yourself first - YOU must be your own whole world. Especially when the kids are grown and gone, with lives of their own to live. This is the time to celebrate your lives together as a free couple.
I wish that I could help you out more, but really don't know all of the circumstances.
Marriage counselling? Good luck.

Answer 4

Baby, what have you done for yourself lately? What your describing is my life about 3 years ago. Only we had two kids that were just starting to look at their teenage years.

In your case, I would say start taking care of yourself. You can't make someone love you so don't try. Go to the Gym, join a book club or prayer group at church. If you want it to work out with this guy, who is probably seeing someone else by the way, you have to increase yourself image. You are worth more than to be stuck with somone that does not appreciate you.

My story is much brighter now since the divorce. I have much more fun and sleep much better than worring about what someone else is doing or how the feel about me.

Answer 5

This once happened to me, me and my ex were together 10 years and one day out of the blue he wanted a divorce. I flipped for about a year and then shortly after that I realized that the divorce was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise, even though it does hurt a lot in the beginning. One thing I do know is having ppl around you that are your true friend do help a lot. Sorry for what your husband has done, but things will start to look up after awhile.

Answer 6

Try going to counseling, he may not want to but suggest it. Are you taking care of your self try getting a makeover, go to the salon and buy a new sexy outfit he may be bored. Do nice sexy things for yourself, not for hin for you. Make friends if you do not have any, go out by yourself sometimes so that you are not available to him all the time. Sometimes you have to play a little cat and mouse no matter how old you are. If after trying and trying he still wants to leave open the door and let the door hit him where the good lord split him. Trust me when i say he will be back, do not be so easy to welcome him date him for a while like in the beginning of your relationship. Tell your kids whats going on and never stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there let him go. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 7

It sounds as though you'll be working this out by yourself. It is never healthy for another person to be your whole world. You always need a life separate from him (or her). So, tell him how you feel, and go about getting a life. How? Take classes at the local community college or elsewhere so that you can support yourself. Suggest therapy to your husband (if he hasn't been happy for five years, there is a LOT of communicating that wasn't done but needs to be).

Answer 8

Try getting some honest answers out of him. What doesn't work for him? If it's something you can't control, it's best for you to let him leave, as painful as that might be. 20 years is a long time. People grow and change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but you can't rely on someone else to be there to make you happy. I am married (8 years) I know it would hurt if it doesn't last, but I wouldn't want to be married to someone who doesn't love me. I wish you the best with whatever you do.

Answer 9

If I was in that situation I would pack up my things and leave. You have no children now that are young to worry about. Get out and enjoy your life. Your husband must have been in the military and going through changes of life especially if he came back from a war. I've seen this happening to a lot of people. Your not the only one going through this. Stay strong and life will get easier.

Answer 10

I feel so sorry for you. It sounds like he has got someone else. No one can stay in a loveless marriage for 5 years and then suddenly come out with it. I think it would be best if you just told him where to go, if it does work out, who's to say he ain't ever going to say it again. Not only will he be losing you but I'm pretty sure your children will start to hate him for splitting up the family and hurting there mother. My dad walked out on my mum when i was little, he said he didn't love but she found out he was seeing someone else. I have some contact with him now but i can never forgive him for hurting my mum n splitting us up. Hope everything works out for you.