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A girl sits alone as her parents fight

she has a razor but there’s no light

she tries to hide her crime and shame

she gets abused but she's not to blame


she slides the blade across her wrist

as her hand slowly curls into a fist

there goes a drop of blood

her mind starts to flood


of memories of her parents and sister

and of the boy who first kissed her

then she heard her mom on the phone

she overheard her dad was to never come home


she started balling

she heard her mom calling

she asked herself “what did I do to deserve this?”

then she felt his kiss


just for a moment

he knew he had done it

all the worries in the world were gone

he knew the world had done a wrong




at the end she not talking about her father shes talking about her boyfriend kinda cunfusing at the end


and heres a pic i took to go w/ it
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/51407438/

2007-03-24 10:50:31 · 4 answers · asked by Sunshine 1 in Arts & Humanities Books & Authors

4 answers

Much better but a few lines still dont flow right. and you change tenses from present to past a few times.

Suggestions...

1) She overheard her dad was to never come home

Awkward and the tense changes - how about

She overhears her dad will never come home


2) she asked herself “what did I do to deserve this?”

Too long - and another tense change read it aloud and you will see ...

How about

she asks herself why do I deserve this?

3) Try and vary your first words - three sentences in the first stanza start with She

How about changing the second one to

Trying to hide her crimes and her shame

Then since you make a couple changes in rhythmn - separate them and vary the length of the stanzas. It should look like this

A girl sits alone as her parents fight
She has a razor but there’s no light
Trying to hide her crimes and shames
She gets abused but she's not to blame


She slides the blade across her wrist
as her hand slowly curls into a fist

There goes a drop of blood
Her mind starts to flood

With memories of her parents and sister
And of the boy who first kissed her
Then she hears her mom on the phone
She overhears her dad will never come home.

As she starts bawling
She hears her mom calling

She asks herself "Why do I deserve this?
Then she feels his kiss


Just for a moment
He knew he had done it
All his worries are gone

?????
he knew the world had done a wrong

Now we come down to the last line. It should really rhyme with "done it" and it should express that it's her boyfriend. Let's work on the last stanza again.

Just for a moment
Her worries were gone
His kiss had soothed her ...
And helped her go on

Maybe something like that. When you are writing poems, keep rhyme zone open as a window - you can type in any word and it will give you rhymes. I think if you work a bit more on the ending, you can make it sound more like the boyfriend who is helping her.

or maybe

Just for a moment
He made her okay
And he reached out and
took her razor away.

Congrats on putting time into this. Keep working on it. And dear, if you are a cutter, know that you are talking to a former cutter and I am here if you want to talk. Pax - C.

2007-03-24 11:20:41 · answer #1 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 0 0

You have a great idea but it seems like your need to rhyme has become even more important than your need to convey ideas and real meaning. You need to get in touch with some thinking poetry here (besides, spell poem correctly) and please use something like a simile, metaphor, personification, try a different point of view (maybe from the razor's point of view), use alliteration and irony ... the poem is filled with feeling, but you need to include more thought. Great poetry that is meant to be read by others (or is this poem entirely for yourself, in which case ignore what I am about to say) comes from your head not from you heart. It is planned, not felt. It is organized and the diction (word choice) is made very specifically, not from a flow of tears and heart-felt passion.

2007-03-24 18:00:20 · answer #2 · answered by John B 7 · 0 0

Finally everything ends in happiness !!!

2007-03-24 17:56:13 · answer #3 · answered by cabridog 4 · 0 0

that was a very well written and original poem. you can tell that it came from the heart. well done!

2007-03-24 18:39:31 · answer #4 · answered by carmelcat324 3 · 0 0

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