I don't love my husband anymore, what should I do?

Question

I have fallen out of love with my husband, I don't hate him but we seem to live totally seperate lives. If I leave him I will be significantly less well off. Should I put up with my feelings of frustration or take the plunge and go?

I met him 30 years ago. We have 2 children in their late teens. We still go out together on 'dates'. I married him because I loved him, we were young and not very well off. I have a good job. He cheated on me about 8 years ago. Hope that answers all the questions.

We've been married 23 years in April. It isn't just me who would be worse off financially, he would too. I'm thinking of him too in this situation!

Answer 1

you must leave or you will both go insane!

Answer 2

You don't mention how long you've been married!

Sometimes we fall into a rut in our marriage and just take each other for granted. It can be because of all the time spent raising the family or time spent at work trying to make ends meet.

I think a marriage goes through several changes over the years and perhaps you're simply at a low point with respect to your feelings for your husband.

Maybe it would be time to remember back what made you fall in love with him in the first place. Tell him how much you enjoyed that time in your lives together. You may find that he feels the same way that you do.

For all you know .... talking about how things used to be between you ... could actually spark those old feelings in one or both of you again!

Don't give up too quickly ... there were reasons you decided to marry him and therefore I feel it should be worth the effort in finding those feelings again.

Remember that a marriage is hard work to make it work and this job never ends! I wish you happiness in whatever decision you make! Good luck!

Answer 3

i feel so bad for you..i was in a very similar marriage too. all i can say is when your marriage becomes this bad the only extremity to take is to separate. trying to live seperate lives is not the solution...you say you don't hate him but believe me if this marriage is making you endlessly miserable you will in the end begin to hate him. the state of feeling of frustration can't be just frustration because you wouldn't be asking for advice. this circumstance doesn't come close to pmt or sex deprivation, this is a really serious situation. iv'e been through your situation before and if you mean being significantly less well off means no money, no house, no possessions well your'e right.... but your'e a woman.......you just get on with it....you make your own life after a relationship like this....i did and i have 6 children....GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

i suggest telling him that you feel a bit uninvolved in his lifestyle and that you would quite like to start to spend a bit more time together. i sense that you have different interests and commitments but it might be possible to fit in a little time toghether during the week to do something new as a couple. even if its a special meal you have both helped to prepare or a walk on a nice night when the weather is pleasant. if you both try something neither of you have done before eg. a new hobby, it might just get you feeling that you are connected with each other again. Even if this doesnt work at least you have communicated with him openly and honestly and you know that you you didnt give up when there was a chance that the problem could be rectified. good luck!

Answer 5

the other question is will you miss the way of life you have had..i wonder if he is more your friend now .. is itt what he wants ? it makes the situation a lot easier and no one gets hurt...as for the money im sure he would make sure that you are looked after as you have cared and looked after him andthe children with you heart for long enough. but where only here once theres no second time to give this life ago so do what is in youre heart. i have learnt other people do wish sometimes some of us could be as cold and selfish as others lol cos i dont think they care like we do ...good luck in what you choose...you have waited long enough i bet just to ask the question..so take the full plunge..you dont have small kids and have to worry about them....and i bet you wouldnt be on your own to long...its okay living seperate lives while they agree...i would go while its still friendly...one day one of you may just not agree

Answer 6

Please do not do anything hasty, I am guessing that you are between 40-55 and it may be that time of your life.
I have been where you are we both just drifted, but hey we worked on it.When you are young the flush of sex and attraction it seems that is what real love is....its not.
Loving someone takes all different forms and and different stages. Men suffer menopause as well as women... and this in itself can be a changing point in both your lives.You still care enough to worry about him.start the courting process again, we all become stale after being in a relationship for such a long time, learn to love each other again......be an individual, and if you truely can do that then restart your life elsewhere......but it is truely worth trying....special dinners for just you two weekends away joint days out......it works I promise it does work it worked for us. but dont give up yet too many people do without thinking about the reasons behind things

Answer 7

So I take it you have no desire to try and work things out? Go to counseling....start doing things together, date nights, bringing the spark and romance back into your relationship? If not, tell him and leave and you will have to deal with the financial loss. If the money is more important, then stay.

I know that my Mom is not really happily married to my step-dad but she can come and go as she pleases and has no desire for another man so she just stays. She, too, would be not-so-well-off if they were to divorce. I personally could not live that kind of life. Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

Thats a tuff one sometimes. Im in a situation also where i dont feel that wow love anymore. We have been together for 20 years and he was my everything. I had a bad last 5 years and i got some therapy well now that i have grown as a person we have nothing i mean nothing in common anymore so i need to make a choice too. We will when its time, good luck.

Answer 9

So what else is going on? You've lost interest in your marriage. He has cheated on you. Your children are nearly grown.

So what is it you want? You want to live alone? You want to date a bunch of mostly losers? The last question is very important if you have some overly romantic notion of finding Mr. Right out there with all the heavy emotional baggage you are likely to be packing.

If you are fine with the idea of being alone, and you think the kids will be alright, then move on.

Answer 10

Find a therapist or counselor whom you can trust and talk this all out with him/her. You need a truly objective observer who can help you find out if you're really not in love anymore or if something else is impacting your marriage - such as boredom.

Don't make a decision until you've thought about every aspect of this. Choosing to leave or to stay is a huge decision; take your time and be sure you know what your future will look like.

You need more support than you can expect to receive from this site.

Good luck!

Answer 11

Well it's very subjective, more info would be helpful. Is it because you two haven't spent enough time together? Did one of you cheat? Do you have kids? There are soo many factors. Marriage takes work, perhaps if you went to a good marriage counsellor then you could get to the root of why you're feeling this way. Do everything you can to fix your marriage. Tell your husband how you feel. A marriage is worth saving.