My husband got caught nearly cheating on me. He had invited her to lunch out together, and I caught him, confronted him and supposedly he wasn't going to do this anymore.
1.5 years later, I am worried still.
He has private email services. Other than the main one we use. He's emailing old woman friends. He keeps their names on his Yahoo Messenger and writes to women all the time...women he cybersexed before our marriage.
He writes some secretively and thinks I don't know about it, but I found out inadvertently and I am really effected by this.
I don't know what he says in his letters, because if I look at him while he's typing, he erases it, and then erases who it's to...in fact he's just very secretive with things he does online anymore, and it's leading me to fear the worst.
Should I worry or am I over-reacting?
Best answer gets the points.
2007-03-24 10:11:57 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I really don't care about the points but I think you have a problem there. Anything private is a real red-flag. Erasing things in front of you, not a good sign. And you just happened to have caught him before this lunch date he arranged. But he sounds determined to be up to no good. If I were you, I'd continue to play dumb, like you don't suspect a thing, but meanwhile, get it figured out what you are going to do when you do find out the truth,(as in making him leave), and buying some computer programs to "spy" on his activity while he's on the computer, so that you have proof. I know they have products that you can see every keystroke he's made, what he said, and to whom. But prepare to hear the worst. I'm married for 18 yrs, but fortunately haven't had to worry about those kinds of issues, but my instincts would certainly kick in if or when it needed too. Follow those instincts. Good Luck to you.
2007-03-24 10:27:38 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
From the looks of it, he has given you good reason to be worried.
Perhaps you need to go to him and tell him, in your womanly way, (the one we all have) and tell him you've thought of a way that might help both of you. This way you wouldn't be so worried and it could put your mind at ease.
Tell him, that since the...I'll call it the..."Incident" you've noticed a few things that have put you on edge, and made you question some things, and because you don't want to jump to conclusions you have thought of a way that would make things not so bad.
Tell him, that from that point on, there will be only one (1) email address open. The one that you both use and you both have access to. If he bulks at it, simply and softly look at him and say, "You really don't want to fight about this do you?". (If he's cheating, that's the furthest thing he wants. Fighting causes mistakes to happen, and things will be let slip. If he's doing something behind your back, he doesn't want to argue, but would rather put you off. Anndd...If he's not cheating, there should be absolutely no problem with the idea you've given him.)
Tell him the emails to all the women stop. The conversations with the women he cybersexed stops as well. Those women come completely off of his list. If he refuses, remind him that until he works on this, and eases your mind, you're simply going to keep bitching about it, and he'll get no rest at all, and that if he wants to deal with that keep them on, otherwise, they go!
Tell him that the letters completely stop, and if he MUST write the letters, that he will allow you, as his wife to look over them. You have a right to know what's going on with your husband.
If he keeps on being so secretive, then tell him, that he needs to stop, otherwise, you will become his worste nightmare. You will find anything and everything he types and if it still keeps up, tell him you're turning off the computer.
There's a program called Lock Out. It's origenally made for parents timing their children on the internet. It's a program that will automatically lock anyone out of the computer for a specified time. The person that has the key will be the only one able to get into the computer. It will force the person spending too much time on the net to take a break.
There are also programs out there, that you can get that will be able to track what he types on the computer, without him knowing it. If I were you, I'd check in on those programs.
2007-03-24 12:22:57 · answer #2 · answered by Enigma 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi
I have seen these action. Normally it leads to Nowhere, Coz These Women Are Working Girls On The Internet Normally Hard Up Girls Needing Money sooner He Wakes Up The Less He Lose. But He Must Be Fustrated About Something.You Should Find Time and TAlk Find Out The Main Problems. I Know IT Hard To Talk. But You Must Be Stern And Not Agressive Cause Anger Get Nowhere. Best Action Lay your Cards Out And explain How it Is Hurting You.
2007-03-24 13:40:54 · answer #3 · answered by Joseph L6666 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's perfectly fine to feel this way he did break the trust in the relationship. My bf cheated on me a year ago and I still have a feeling that he is or will do it again but then again I don't. You should sit him down and have a talk with him it could just be you over reacting or your suspicions could be true. But not having trust is really bad and could lead to a split so just approach it casually and calmly don't just start accusing at all. Oh and personally I don't think he needs to be talking to other women on the net or anywhere especially after he almost cheated.
2007-03-24 10:18:01 · answer #4 · answered by sakura859 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a big problem obviously since you're so worried. Confront him and ask him to see a marriage counsellor. Honestly that's like the only thing that will help you sort this out. Is your marriage worth saving? He should not be doing this, and if he isn't "physically" cheating yet, it's only a matter of time before he does. Put your foot down now. Go see an attorney while you're at it.
2007-03-24 10:16:41 · answer #5 · answered by Principessa 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You do need to find out what is going on. If he is unwilling to be honest with you, then you need to find out on your own. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. He seems to be playing games with your marriage.
There is no room for other women or secretive emails in your marriage. You can install a keylogger on to the computer to check every key stroke that he makes. You can check cell phone bills, bank accts etc. for patterns of behavior. You have a right to know what is going on so that you can have all the information when the time comes to stay with the relationship (under your terms) or divorce. Right now, he has no accounatability and is having you AND what appears to be a single's life online.
2007-03-24 10:21:39 · answer #6 · answered by pinniethewooh 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yes you should worry. He gave you a reason to worry and most importantly not to trust. If he can keep secretive emails from you I highly know that he is keeping other things from you as well. A lot of men think they can get away with it. Some do. Some don't. Stand up and let him know that you shouldn't have to feel this way in your marriage. Trust your instincts. It's all you've got.
2007-03-24 11:38:42 · answer #7 · answered by bellavita 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would recommend reading His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, Jr.. It talks alot about this situation and the author who has been a marriage counselor for 20+ years says that after an affair, the trust has to be rebuilt. So, if it takes your husband needing to call you every ten minutes to report his location, so be it. I do not think you are over-reacting, trust is the foundation of a good relationship and if your husband is committed to having a good relationship with you he needs to know and respect how you feel. If he is not committed to meeting you half way, then I wouldn't stick around too long. Life is too short not to share the best of yourself with the best of someone else.
Good luck.
2007-03-24 10:19:58 · answer #8 · answered by Dana B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes you should worry. In a marriage people should share things and know things about each other. Him sneaking around and being secretive makes him look very guilty. I would think there was something going on to. If he cant write his e-mail in front of you or talk to a female in front of you or even give you the password to all his e-mail accounts he's hiding something. You should really just confront him about it. Tell him you feel that he's cheating and not being loyal to you. If he keeps acting the same..leave him. Something is going on...
2007-03-24 10:17:56 · answer #9 · answered by Sexy*Black*Chick 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
yes you should Keep your eye open .they is a chance he will do it again. it dose not show that he has changed and you should go with you hart. a women hart is never wrong. girl all i could say is keep your eyes open. know a days thing are not like they use to be. men do there dirt be hind you and in front of you . you don't find those guys any more. that suck but it is what it is. girl just keep a look out. chating online is cheating also. i don't care how many people don't agree with me .cybersex is also cheating. girl open those eye
2007-03-24 10:28:39 · answer #10 · answered by shyprincess 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋