Is this marriage really worth it??

Question

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 yrs now. No kids.We got married when we were both 21. He has a very difficult time w/ communication!! When it comes to really serious conversations,fights or just me trying to talk to him about how I feel and wanting advice or support...- He barely talks! He keeps telling me that he's never been good at talkin like this, and he keeps saying he'll get better. But..it's been this long and its not!! It drives me crazy, it hurts too.
On top of that, he works a job where he's gone a lot through out the year, leaving me alone a lot. So some of our marriage is just over the phone, and being lonely.
Last but not least, there's this guy I work with..we figured out we have strong feelings for eachother...
I love my husband and all, but lets face it, without communication there is no marriage - right..
I'm very confused right now, on what to do w/ everything. Should I keep waiting around for it to change. Or 4get it N move on?! Please help

Answer 1

move on..

Answer 2

Okay, first let go of the guy at work. You are married and you have taken vows to be faithful. Stick with them, even if you end up divorced, you won't be sorry for upholding your end of the bargain.
Next, your husband needs to go to individual counseling. He admits that he has a problem with communication but he has not sought help.....this problem will not be solved by you sitting down with him....it hasn't worked so far, has it?
Next, make an appointment for marriage counseling together while he is in individual counseling. This will help you figure out whether or not you belong together and if the marriage is worth saving.
Most of all, do not get pregnant to save the marriage. It will only complicate matters.
After you have taken all these steps and come to a resolution then and only then can you walk away. You don't want to leave anything unresolved. It is the best way to learn personal growth skills and to build a foundation for your next relationship, if that is the decision you make. Running to a co-worker is not the answer. Solve this matter first, then if you don't stay with your husband, you can pursue another relationship after you dissolve the current one.

Answer 3

Have you even considered marriage counseling? You might want to, even though you've been married 2 years, you've got more time than that invested in this relationship. Plus, you made some promises when you married him. Marriage takes a LOT of hard work, on both spouses parts, but is sooo worth it in the long run.

Cut off all contact with this other guy you work with. Keep any relationship with him strictly professional, if need be, ask to be transferred to a different department or have different job duties so that you don't have to work closely with him. That will only confuse the entire situation. You are NOT AVAILABLE to be in any type of relationship with him other than purely professional.

Marriage is difficult, there are good and bad times. Any person who has been married will tell you that. But I can tell you, as a person who's been married for over 19 years, that difficulties in marriage can do one of 2 things for a couple. They can either bring you closer together, or they can drive you apart. Which they do depends on how you both react to those challenges.

Also, is there anyway you guys could be together more? I would work on that as a goal as well. Long distance relationships are tough, especially in a marriage. But first find a marriage counselor, and get some help with your marriage. Please don't toss it aside because your husband doesn't talk the way you think he should. Besides, he was probably like this before you got married as well. It wasn't as though you didn't know about this character trait of his.

P.S. I'll second mJ's reccommendation on books...especially "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." That's a fantastic book, and really taught me alot about the way men communicate. I don't particularly like Dr. Laura, so I can't reccommend her book, but have heard others do so.

Answer 4

Tough call. Be thankful that you don't have kids. Think about this: What if he was military and was in Iraq? Would you still feel the same way? Just because his job takes him abroad doesn't give you the right to start new relationships with other men. If you are talking to another man and discussing things like your feelings for each other and you are married, then your cheating. Sex or not, you are cheating emotionally. You shouldn't have put yourself in that position in the first place. This is obviously distorting your desire to work on your marriage. If your marriage isn't going to work, then deal with that issue before starting a new relationship. This new guy may just SEEM like a good idea because you are hurting right now. Chances of this new guy working out, under the circumstances, are pretty slim as well. And, you should be asking yourself, what kind of man confesses feelings to a married woman anyway. He's probably just looking to get laid.

Answer 5

I couldnt imagine your husband suddenly changing after you got married. You must have known he wasnt a good communicator, and now you are thinking of divorce? There are lots of things you can do, you can seek out counselling for a start, you can stop thinking about this other guy as an alternative partner for yourself. If your marriage means a lot to you, then decide in your head if you want to keep it together. If you do, then work on ways to keep it together. If you dont, and the other guy means more to your than your husband and you are just looking at excuses to leave the marriage, then the marriage is doomed........You dont love your husband, and while lack of communication is very frustrating, it is no excuse to leave your marriage because it can be fixed. The only reason you should be even contemplating divorce is if the feelings you have for your husband have gone. If that is the case, then you are doing both of you a disservice. If you trully dont love your husband and if you trully dont want to find ways to keep your marriage together then you should leave your husband and allow him to find a woman who will love him like he deserves....like we all deserve. If you are feeling neglected and unhappy, then you are not being loved the way you need obviously. Like I said there are solutions to everything. If you want to find a solution, then stick with your marriage and get some counselling. If you dont, then leave.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. We have one shot at this life, and if we stay in a situation because of obligation without love, then we are robbing ourselves....take care.

Answer 6

This might hurt, but a lot of the problem that you are describing is you. I know it is hard to believe, but I married a very quiet man that works a lot and actually prefers to be alone.

We have been together almost 17 years - married 13 and have three really beautiful children. We married when we were 20 and 22.

I know it is your fault because it was mine. Here is what I did wrong and what I changed to make it right:
1. I complained constantly about where he was and what he was doing and why he wouldn't talk.
2. I complained when he did talk because it wasn't enough. I needed more emotions and time.
3. I got extremely frustrated and angry and I vented a great deal of anger very directly - I blew up when I tried and tried and tried and no matter what I could not get him to talk. (Sound familiar)
4. I blamed him for making me so mad and got extremely angry all of the time.
5. I flirted with cheating and it made my life so much worse that I stopped (that was smart - lose the guy at work thing. It is NOT smart.)

Do you know what saved the marriage - you'll laugh. I decided to divorce. I swore he was cheating on me being out of town. I stopped yelling and accusing him of things and he opened up and talked a river. I never heard him talk like that before. We went to marriage counseling and work hard to struggle to live happily ever after.

If you husband is like mine - and he sounds like it - he is a good man and you are making a mistake thinking about divorce

Answer 7

Hello

I was in a relationship very similar and i know how you feel. We were together for 2 years and most of the time i felt like i was talking to me self.

I would talk for hours and he wouldn't ever respond. NO answers nothing.......

I am a really big believer that if there isn't communication there isn't a relationship. truly


I am so sorry that you are going through this hard time. And i am not going to tell you what to do but if things are going to get better it is up to him ....


He is the one that has to change he has to put in his part or u will always be right where you are.

Best of luck

PS. Try couples consoling if u guys wants it to work you guys got to ask for help.

Answer 8

First of all you really have to cut the guy out at work. That will alter your judgment about your relationship with your husband. In other words it will magnify the situation with your husband. Every marriage is going to have problems that you have to work at. When you get married then that is the easy part but to stay married you must work on it until you guys become one. It isn't going to be easy but you have to find ways to communicate with him without judging the way he responds. You see giving up is easy but a real marriage takes time and a lot of effort. If you were to leave him and get with the guy on your job then you will have another set of problems maybe even worse, ie. (this other guy could turn out to be a abuser, or he could cheat on you or down you) you don't really know this other guy like that. Have you ever heard the saying "you don't know a person until you live with them"? Well you know what you already have but you don't know what you will get. So stay with your husband and learn ways to help him communicate. My husband was like that he did not communicate with me and I would get angry and begin to say things that I shouldn't. I finally realized that he did not communicate with me because he thought I would get upset with his answer. So I stop getting upset and his personality really came out and he began to communicate with me. Sometimes he gets quit and I just start a conversation that he enjoys and before you know it we are communicating. I almost made that mistake of leaving him but I didn't. I would have made the biggest mistake of my life. Now I just love him so much and we can't get enough of each other. We have been married now 15 years and it seems like we are newlyweds.

You have to work at it. Don't give up that's to easy.

Answer 9

You should not be asking ppl on here to validate your reasons for wanting ot leave your marriage. This is something that you need to work out on your own. It is very normal for men to have trouble communicating, that is just the way they are. Maybe to start communicating with your husband you need to start by talking to him about the way he was raised....make special note of the relationship between him and his father, or a father figure in his life. how he was raised, will have a great deal to do with his communication skills. For instance...My father was raised with his own dad not saying that he loved them.....it was just assumed....so therefore as my brother and I came along, my dad didn't tell us....it was just assumed and known. He was also raised with the saying that boys don't cry.....so my father does not, unless someone dies that he cares about or has known for along time. I think you need to learn a little more about your husband b4 doing away with your marriage, and cheating on him. Just because you and this other guy seem to connect .... well that does not mean that it will be much different. To alot of men...if the woman is married, then she is safe to play around with, because she is already commited to another, plus men like to play to see if they can get a married woman, it is a man thing, and it is just to see if he can, and thats it. So learn more about your husband, even if you need to speak to his mother...take her out to lunch to ask questions. She knows him pretty well, and could shine a little light on the problem. Just remember whatever she tells you....you keep between you and her.

Answer 10

I discovered this precise thing in my wife but AFTER we had a kid! It was tough but we stuck together "for the sake of the children" and it really did neither of us any good. We finally separated. She lives with our daughter who complains that mom just won't communicate. Oh well, guess that's how some people are. I've met very interesting, successful people in my new life and she -the wife- thinks they're all full of themselves. I'm actually glad (and sad at the same time) to be away from her.

Answer 11

No, you shouldn't wait around for things to change or move on. Thsing are not going to change over night - or by themselves. You need to find ways to do this rather just telling him he needs to do things your way. I would seek counseling first and find articles on how to communicate with your partner. Dr. Phil is a good place to star.

You chose him. Did you not know about his lack of communication skills before that? And jumping into somoene else's bed is not the right thing to do either.