HELP PLEASE ESPECIALLY IF you HAVE KIDS?

Question

Mu husband and I married a long time with no kids (not by choice) has decided to take on my sisters 7 year child who would have been thrown in foster care had we not. This child has gone through a lot and it has taken and is currently still taking lots of time, and a lot of love to change this childs ways. She is a huge smart a s s and happens to be very manipulative like her mother, we knew this taking her in. I understand this child has gone through alot in the past but I do not allow her to play off of it and act nasty, and rude to others because of it. She is use to being able to act like an adult so she speaks in very adult like ways and it can be very embarassing. It sounds like I am being mean but I am explaining what we go through on a daily basis. H
ere's the problem my husband and I have been working with her showing her we love her giving her lots of attention, and teaching her to act like a child. She is use to getting her way but we don't allow her to act out

saying nasty things to people and manipulating them. We diecided to let her go to my mother in laws house over the weekend, and we were already preparing her my mil and a little scared. While over there my niece decides she would start acting out b/c she was in front of someone she starting saying nasty comments etc. and I ended up spanking her. Right after I did so my mil walks in and says "oh don't worry I won't spank you here" and that pissed me off because I already knew she was gonna allow her to get away with murder which really irritated me. She thinks she can save this child by buying her stuff and letting her do whatever the hell she wants and I won't allow it. We are trying to provide a structured home for her and teach her how to be a adult and my mil walks in and ruins all our hard work with one comment and for the rest of the weekend this child did nothing but act out. I sat my mil down and told her I want her to go by my rules and she can't oh well. HELP no rm 2 wri

Not much more room to write but she thinks acutally thinks her way is the right way after she managed to screw the 3 kids up she had. She is always telling me she acts this way because of this or that but I am aware I know psychology (since I majored in it) but this does not allow her to be negative and act grown or spoiled and nasty which is why we are taking the time out to provide a structured, loving enviroment so that she can start to understand were not going anywhere and we won't hurt her, but if my mil isn't living by our parenting rules what can I do she's the only one I know who can keep her if my husband and I actually want to get away and take a break

Answer 1

Bless you. What a wonderful couple you are.

Stay patient. You are on the right track.

Answer 2

OK I see that you have no children of your own .So you cant quite know what this child is feeling she is 7 taken away from her mother (imagine how that feels) And in a strange place granted she may know you BUT it is not home her mom isn't there ,her friends, toys .Take her to see someone don't try to "fix" this your self if she is mean and hurtful twards others then don't waste your time asking strangers who to help a kid who isn't even yours.Call NOW .I feel differences about spanking #1 It is the first thing I think parents should do when children act out #2 I was hit BAD broken jaw at 7 numerous other injuries I wont tell online so I know how it feels and It sucks Try watching one of thoes nanny 911 show I know that might sound a little odd but there are some awesome pointers on that show .I think it is commendable that you 2 took on your Niece have you asked her why she does this ? Have you talked to her school ? I feel for this little girl .Most of what I have read seems like a lot of complaining and It sounds like you are done with it I understand but try to bring out the positive aspects of this little girl is she cuddly smart Praise her when she is not tell her don't yell sit down with her make her think about what she might have done/said that was inapropiate and tell her why it was/nt the appropiate way to do things then try to figure out the best way for her to do it next time and praise her LOTS
Good Luck !!!

Answer 3

It's a hard situation. Therapy is a good thing to include in your ritual. If you and your husband are on the same page - get him more involved with discipline. While I am not against spanking, it probably isn't the best option in this situation. Consistant consequences are the key. You have a chart that says "When you act this way here is the consequence." Taking away privileges. Keeping her accountable for her actions. It is very tough to stay on top of them. I am not always good at it myself - but it has to be done. Teaching a child self-respect and respect for others (especially adults) is key. Stick to your guns. Don't let a 7 year old ruin your day or run your life. You teach them to adapt - and respect - your lifestyle. It will take time, but not near as much time as you think. 90 days of the same routine and you should see a drastic change. If you want a complete program (we tried it and it worked) feel free to email me. Good luck. Kids can wear you thin!

Answer 4

Well, you don't really say what your problem is, so I am guessing here. What you are doing is noble and the right thing to do. Give this child time and space, and you will be amazed at the results. You will persevere in your attempts. She needs to be with her family as an outsider may not fully understand her. You have made a comittment, now stick to it! If it is causing problems in your marriage, be sure to make time for your husband by making a date night. Have someone you trust watch your niece while you go out and remember, when the kids grow up and move out, you are the only ones left. That relationship takes the most effort! Good Luck and God Bless you!

Answer 5

Well most mil will step in anyways and you have done your part by setting her straight on how you want your child to act.. If she dont listen to the rules you have set then dont allow her to go over there without you. I would try to get her in some kind of concealing, and try to explain that she can not have the smart mouth. If she keeps on with the smart mouth try the great gift of punishment, in her room sitting on her bed for 30 minutes, take the things away from her she loves the most, make her earn them back.. and never the less dont forget the love part.. I am so sure you are already doing this tho.. But try taking her to the park, reading her a book before bed, making cookies, anything you can bond with her by doing.. If she came from where I am thinking she never had that and had to grow up to fast, make sure your husband does the same thing too.. Take her outside to play with water balloons, have him take her fishing, teach her to work on the car.. I know because I have 3 children that all the bad they do, and I have to punish them, they take it all in that way... But what makes them good is the part of the bonding we do together.. This is going to be overwhelming for you, I wish you luck and if you ever need anything, any kind of questions let me know.. Good luck

Answer 6

your not being mean. that what parenting is you are doing the right think. you have to let her know that she is no longer in that home she was in . things have to be different and that she can not act that way .tell her she is get older and things have to change. no one is being mean to her. that you job as a parent or guardian . that your part in that home . she can also playing the roll to see how much she can get out of it. just be firm with her do play no games. what you say goes and that that. you can be nice but when comes down to handling business it has To be done. she may not like it but what can you do she is 7 . she is still a child it will take time but keep trying like i said. you guys are her parent know so thing have to change. the last thing you want to do is to giver her way and that a no no good luck .

Answer 7

She may need preoffesional help, sometimes kids will open up to strangers better.

But you really need to keep up with the positive reinforcement. Tell her when she's behaved well, when she helps out, when she uses her manners. Then remind her when she's rude or nasty its not appropriate, and that its much nicer when she's polite. You could also try ignoring the bad behaviour (I know thats really hard, I have 2 kids myself)
And sometimes I even just resort to laughing when mine have a little tantrum, then they cant help but laugh as well.
I also work with the reward system. Tell her if shes speaks nicely all week, on the weekend you'll take her to the movies or something.

Good luck, and remember, she's probably doing a lot of 'boundary testing' to begin with.

Answer 8

I took in one of my nieces when she was 8.She had behavioral issues too.I know it will be a struggle but you have to Maintain authority in your home.You need to stay steadfast in your rules.Leave her no room for manipulation.Make things has clear has possible.Let her know that you understand what she has been through.And then let her know that she can't let her problems get the best of her.She is better than that.You need to make sure you keep yourself in check around her.Don't let her know she is getting the best of you and pushing your buttons.Children like her are just like animals in some respects.They can smell fear on you.And if she smells weakness she won't let up until you do her biding.Other than providing her with structure,understanding and therapy.You need to show her love.I don't just mean by telling her I mean by showing her.She has a distrust for adults because of the way she was treated by her mother.So she is testing you to see if you will turn on her.It is going to take a lot of time to undo some of the mental damage that has been done to her.You can't put her or yourself on any sort of timetable.It could take her months to trust you and adjust to her new life.Then again it could take years.It took my husband and myself 5 years to get my niece straightened out.Her behavior wasn't formed in a day she won't be able to break her habits in a day either.Good luck with her.

Answer 9

well being a dad of 6,, i under stand you,, ,, you doing right, an it going to take a lot of word to undo, what happen to her,, you got to be loveing, but let her know who is the boss, ,, some time the hardest thing , for a parent, is saying no,, to a kid , keep, up the work, an in time she come around,,... hugs

Answer 10

I had cousin who gave up her child to her grandmother who is now 73 ! that little girl who is now 6 is little terror.. and her mom is to blame like in your case its how she was raised up... its very hard to deal with anyone who acts or behaves in that bad manner.... they are not used to stability and your neice needs you very much...... she just isnt adaped.. and im afraid it may take a while to let her understand her new environment I wish you lots of luck !! and you may need to seek counseling for her in future.

Answer 11

She will test you, so set a good firm-but-loving tone from the start. As a parenting coach, I suggest that you get the book "Parenting with Love and Logic". It Very simple to use and has great results.

www.loveandlogic.com

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