My daughter has recently died from breast Cancer, my family won't speak to me, My husband left me also.?

Question

My daughter died recently from breast cancer, which I am finding extremely hard to deal with but I am having to be brave for the sake of her younger sister who started cutting herself. My eldest son is also devasted and my middle son is very upset too but tries to help me in every way he can. My husband also decides to leave me for a man he met in belgium. This has all happened to me in the last three months.

My daughter's grave keeps getting vandalised since her burial and a few thing had to be told to the police. The police has not been very much help though.

I feel so alone, My remaining children are 21, 22 and 13yrs old.
I just can't tell them how terrible I am really feeling.

My eldest daughter got diagnosed in 2004 and subsequently died in 2007. She has left one son my grand son who I havn't seen since, because the family does not like black people.
My daughter was black, I am black. My family are from grenada and was always very close until this happened.

Answer 1

Just pray that your life gets better and keep on going . Don't lose hope.

Answer 2

My little sister died from breast cancer at age 47. My Mother almost collapsed. So what you are feeling is normal, even though it's incredibly painful. There are stages of going through loss and they come in no specific order. You get angry, hurt, donot believe or accept what happened, then finally at some point you accept what's happened. I'm so very sorry about your loss. I still get tears in my eyes even though it's been 1 1/2 years since my sister died. My Mother still gets upset about it too. The grave vandals will be taken care of by GOD. Don't worry about it. If it were me I'd keep cleaning the gravesite. One day the vandals will have to pay the price for such incomprehensible dishonor. If your husband left then maybe you're better off. If he didn't care then he does not need to be with you. One day another man will walk into your life but first you'll have to gather your emotions over your daughter's death before you can handle another relationship. Add up your loses, then gather your forces, and you try again. You will succeed. Just don't give up, don't ever give up.

Answer 3

Cancer is a thief. It has taken so many people's lives at early ages . I have often said that I have been some really tough times in my life but I thank God that I have not had to go through the pain of losing a child. I am so sorry that you have. This alone is the hardest thing that you will go through.
Who is responsible for the maintance of the cementary where your daughter is? Can you hold them accountable. I would suggest that you join a Grief support group. I went to one and found it was helpful to be able to talk about my loved one with people who really understood. Talking helps. It is good to be with people who really understood. One lady confessed that the garage door would not open and for a slight second she thought about how her husband would come home to fix it. Her neighbors couldn't understand that she was crying hysterically over a garage door. During the funeral and first few months people are generally supportive but they go back to their lives while you are trying to figure out how to make this seemingly unbearable pain (grief I think is the worst emotional pain you can experience) stop. The thing is that once you live through it and the first day that you can say " I made it" you feel stronger and there is not much in life that can rattle you. Deal with the grief first. take as long as you need you are on nobody's time table. Try devotional reading. Take one day at a time. Honey you are living. You are living one of the hardest lessons that you will ever live. It sounds like your daughter needs some counseling too. I am praying for you and your family. Ever Conscious of God We Aspire, Build and Advance as One People"

Answer 4

I am really sorry to hear the terrible things you've had to endure.

My thoughts and prayers are with your daughter.
Personally I believe she is in a better place.

I think you need to talk to your sons if u can and be united as a family.
Also if I may suggest, contacting a grief counsellor, and a grief support group as someone else mentioned may be a good idea.

When did your husband leave?before or after your daughter died?I cant somment on this,its just really painful and only time will help heal it.

As for you in-laws who wont let you see your grandchild, I shudder to think there are such racist sad people in existence today.
I hope you can get them to see the error of their ways,or maybe find a mediator who knows u both to try do so.

My thoughts and wishes are with you

Answer 5

I am sorry for your loss and the emotional turmoil you are experiencing. The pain of losing someone you love never goes away. Time makes it easier to cope eventually. The most important thing you can do for yourself and your family is to join a grief support group. The list of issues you have mentioned seem to be insurmountable but there is always hope. Reach out to one of the yahoo grief support groups where you can talk about your pain with folks who know how you feel., There are groups specifically for those grieving the loss of a child.
As far as some of your children not speaking to you, this is not uncommon during times of losing a loved one. Sometimes being around each other magnifies the sense of loss. Just take it slow and hang in there.
I hope you can find a support group or some counceling in your community. Good Luck to you.

Answer 6

OMG! You have been through so much. People never realize that people are so upset until it's too late. I would say take the chance to really relate and comfort your daughter who is cutting. My friend used to cut and I try to be there as much as possible. Since you both went through the same thing and are both upset by the same occurrance I would talk about it with her. She's wanting someone to talk to her about it, I'm not saying you already haven't, because I have no way of knowing that, but a day where it's just the two of you, ask her if she wants to talk about her sister. You can talk about anything, when she was alive and things that she did that made you laugh or happy. That should help you feel a little less lonely.

As for your family, try to reach out to them by writing them a letter and if they won't return the love and comfort then just ignore them until they feel it's the time.

I'm really sorry, but I don't know what to say for your husband. I really wish I did. I wish I knew how to help with your daughters grave getting vandalized. The best I can do there is to pray for you. I would really try to reach out to your children too. Ask them if they had a moment to spare and try to tell them. I know if can be hard to tell your emotions to other people, expecially to those who you really care about.

I'll be praying for you and I hope it all works out. Read Psalms if you can. You're family will always be in my heart.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Answer 7

My hearty goes out to you, Devastated isn't enough to describe how you must feel, I wish there was an easy answer or something that I could do to help but there isn't, time is a great healer but I think you need help now not later, you need to grieve with your family around you, as for your so called husband the father, it is possible that in his grief he just wanted a way to escape and took the first way out that came along. I don't know what to suggest, Macmillan CancerLine 08088082020 can advise you possibly on help groups in your area oor possibly Parentlineplus 08088005000. I really hopoe that you get sorted in this Bless you, Take Care and Good Luck !

Answer 8

I am so sorry to hear your sad story. It's such a shame you cannot have contact with your grandson. I wonder if your daughters partners family accepted her as she was black - and if so, why can't they accept you? What about her partner - surely he can accept you? I think you should tell them how sad and lonely you feel, just be straight with them and request a meeting and hopefully they'll see you for who you are. Perhaps your husband going off like he has is his way of coping with the grief of your daughters death? We all cope in different ways and some people deal with it by running away. I can empathise with how sad you are right now, and I do hope things will get better for you. I think you should sit down the remaining children and tell them how bad it is for you. They might feel like they were being more 'useful' helping you. I know its difficult, us mum's do try to be the strong ones, but I know when my mother (who was an extremely strong women), went to peices after my dad died suddenly, it really helped me to feel less useless by helping her - give it a go, they might surprise you! if you ever want someone to talk to: [e-mail]

Answer 9

My heart breaks for you and your children.So much devastation in only three months.
You have to keep telling the police everyday about your daughters gravesite.Even if you have to call them everyday till they help you.
You all have to get grief counselling and family counselling would also be a very good idea.Do you also have a minister you could go to?
I do not understand why people of any color cannot get along together.Do the family not understand that your grandson is partially black also? This is so sad to keep him away from you. I pray somehow this can be worked out.
I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your children.Please let us know how you make out and please get to some counselling as soon as possible.
God Bless.

Answer 10

First and foremost, my heartfelt condolences to you.
Death has a way of either drawing families closer or splitting them in two. I'm sorry you are experiencing some of the latter.
A few suggestions:
About your daughter's grave - the cemetary is responsible for securing the gravesite. Make sure they are held accountable. Ask to file a formal incident report. Also, ask to speak to the highest ranking police officer in the station; usually the watch commander. If you don't get satisfaction, file a complaint with the office of professional standards review board. Know that your daughter is not in that grave. She has flown away and is in her place of rest.
You probably should also seek some counseling for yourself. You have had too many traumatic events in the last three months; more than many people suffer in years. Don't be afraid to seek professional help and to take care of yourself. Your remaining family is counting on you; especially the rest of your children.
As for the husband; count your blessings. If he was a down low brother he could have infected you with something that could take your life; namely AIDS. Get tested.
After every storm there is the sunshine. Don't neglect your spiritual life. God is a very present help in time of trouble. Take it from someone who has seen and survived much adversity. He really doesn't put more on us than we can bear, because he is there to bear us up! Cast all your cares on Jesus, because he cares for you.
You are in my prayers. God bless. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Hold on through your night. Morning is on the way.

Answer 11

I am deeply sorry for your troubles at this time. But, alas, your world has not ended, for times are always darkest before the dawn. Remember the good times, look forward to the good times. Pain is not eternal, we all die eventually, but on earth as we are, we can help stem our pain by achieving things for the better good.

She died of Cancer, campaign for cancer awareness for example. Sometimes, keeping the things that cause you sadness make you stronger, better and have a better outlook on life, in this case, will give you a mission.

Look towards the sky, towards the heavens and not down below. Never look back in anger or bitterness or sadness so much it cripples you, look forward, into the new light and the new life.

God Bless You.