Married ladies......I need some advice?

Question

I found out that my husband of three years has been "cheating" on me via the internet. Nothing physical happend and he has not been doing it for about 5 months.(I found all this out 2 days ago) It all took place over a freakin 7 month time frame. I have read all emails and single sites that he belonged too. I also have talked to two of them women that this went on w/ and both said that he never showed. I am not sure what in the world I should do. We have kids together and I do love him but I know that it is not enough. I of course like many others never thought that this would happen to me. He said that it wasn't reality but a game. Whatever, it still hurts. Any advice or similar situations would be great.

Answer 1

First off, I want to say, that I feel for you.
It is considered a means of betrayal to you, by your husband.
The hurt and mistrust, are just as great as if he had went out and had an affair.

He is wrong to think and downplay the situation, that it is not reality, when in fact the reality is, is that he was interacting with other females through emails, creating an intimate situation for him to share his sexual thoughts and feelings about something that should of only been shared with you.

Had he only viewed porno pics, then he is like so many men that are curious and there is no intimacy that went on, and it is really nothing to be concern about, and that it was only a relief for him of some kind, if he was to get turned on my what he viewed.

It is possible that your husband is discovering that certain other things are turning him on. And the women he is interacting with, are providing thoughts for him to explore that he has not done before. Or that he has sexual needs, that he is not comfortable sharing, with the one woman that he loves, you his wife.
Some men are not sure if some sexual needs they have are exceptable with anyone. And they keep it a secret from the ones they care about most.

When a man goes into the Internet world of where your husband went, it does not necessarily mean that he is interested in the women he is communicating with. It only means they are mentally stimulating him to sexual images and thoughts that he feels embarress to share with you. That he feels these women mean nothing to him, and that he can basically dump whatever needs he has on them, without being judged. He is safest behind the computer.

Your husband may be happy with you sexually and is willing to keep it that way.
Try not to look at your husband like, he was decieving you, but try to look at it like he discovered something that grabbed his interest or he is fullfilling certain needs he has, that he does not feel he can share with you, because he respect you, or he is not sure how you will react.

Most men, if had a choice would want to explore with their wives, then a strange women over the internet. They are safest with their wives and know it, but it is that sexual part of the relationship, that always seems to be the most difficult, even for the bravest, to confront a partner with, when it comes to your deepest, deepest desires.

And as for a man to make a suggestion, many wives will become suspisious and wonder, where in the hell did that come from. Men fear, that they will be looked down upon, and rejected for sharing there sexual thoughts and desires.

Answer 2

This really is a tough one that I can relate to via second hand experience. I had a relative who went through the same thing and let me tell you I do not think this behavior stops. for names sake I'll call the "him" from my story BOB. BOB has children with his live-in girlfriend of 5years and he was flirting with girls online alot. We (friend and I) made a fake online profile and set him up. At first it was a friendly hey how are you thing to gain his trust; then it started going into a "I want you" mode. He was sending provoctive messages to the fake profile. We set up a time and place to meet just to see if he'd show {in the past he said he tells flirty things to women so their feelings won't get hurt} well we were going to bust him that way he couldn't charm my friend back; but anger got the best of her. She knew he was lying to her face and sneaking around.. They did split up for a brief period but are back together. Let me tell you I honestly think you will never be able to trust him. There may not have been physical contact now but who's to say their won't be in the future? You can never control a person and once they get away with something (or get caught) they learn to be more careful next time as to not get caught again. If you want me to tell you what I think.. cheating isn't just on the spouse when their is children involved it becomes a more complicated family affair. In short I think he'll never stop or he may but only until you trust him again.
I think he must not be happy where he is or he wouldn't need the comfort of others. He is still a child trying to play the feild. Be better than that please:)

Answer 3

This is exactly what happened to me in my first marriage, and although he swore that nothing had happened physically, that did nothing to do with how devestating it was to me. I felt like he had cheated on me.....and honestly, it wouldn't have mattered if he'd have gone out right then and there and done the nasty......he had every INTENT.

People go to jail every day for "intent"......and I believe you can still be guilty of cheating if you have intent......

In my case, it took me 8 long, horrible years to finally realize that he wasn't going to change. He would get caught, apologize, beg for forgiveness then we'd be fine for 6 - 8 months.....as soon as I got to feeling like things were fine, and that we were back on track.....I'd discover an email or a weird call on the cellphone bill....and boom...the sickening rollercoaster would start all over again.

It was a terrible situation not only for him and I but for our boys as well.

Take some time for yourself and figure out what you're willing to put up with. The internet these days makes it too easy for people to cheat.....to me, anything that you do online that you don't want your significant other to know is wrong. It doesn't matter if its gambling, online shopping or horny talk.....you should be able to do anything in the open and honest forum of your marriage.

My suggestion if you stay: Move the computer to the family room, where the kids are, where you are, or get rid of it all together. If this isn't an option, tell your spouce that you're buying and installing the spectorsoft program (you can download this online). It will record every email, every keystroke, every login name and password.....he won't be able to hack in to it, he won't be able to find it on the hard drive......(this is what I did with my ex.....).

Basically, it's going to be your way, or the highway....and stick to your guns.

Three years ago, I left my cheating ex and found a wonderful love with a wonderful man who cherishes me, and would never treat me like I was treated. I went from feeling unloved, unwanted to feeling unconditional love and great passion.

Don't sell yourself short!
Good lucK!

Answer 4

i was in a imilar situation. My husband was talking to this woman from myspace. He told her he was married but the emails were very flirty. Things like "If I wasn't married, you'd be in trouble" and saying how she had great legs and wanted her to teach him a thing or two in bed. I found the emails on his computer and freaked. He had only talked to her for about 1 week. But it hurt really bad. I was ready to move my crap out and leave. But I knew he loved me and I loved him. He was weak and stupid and was not respecting me at all. I stayed and we have worked on it every single day. And he knows that if anything happenes like this again there iwll be no doubt in my mind that I would leave. if you and your husband think you are strong enough to get through it, then try, at least for the kids. But I have leanred that if you stay, you need to forgive. You can't keep briinging it up and hanging it over his head. It will ruin the relationship just as much as the infidelity. It's your choice, but I do think it is repairable as long as you are both willing to give it 150%. And if he does it again, then pack your crap up and leave. good luck!

Answer 5

I feel for you I really do. My first husband was to my knowledge a cheat who never really did anything physical. He lusted for an old high school flame who happened to show up and it ruined our marriage but we didn't have kids. The advice I would like to give to you is use your parent controls on the Internet to ensure your sanity, let him know he has violated your trust and must earn it back for this to work, tell him you will need access to all his accounts for an undetermined amount of time because yes you have to look because at this moment his words mean nothing. If he doesn't like this then it is over. I wish you and your family the best and remember its him not you....

Answer 6

I don't want to sound like I am trying to purposely hurt you or make you think you have to leave him....But last summer I had the same problem, the guy I was seeing, whom also is the father of my 7 almost 8 year old son, was doing the same thing, at first it was just games, then it became a little more serious. He started calling them, some lived out of state so he said it wasn't like he could go see them, but then he started talking to someone in our town and eventually he ended up meeting her, he used my car to meet her, he doesn't have a vehicle. He told her about our son, and about me and said that we were broke up. I eventually found out about this one and confronted him on it, he denied it, but when he wasn't around I went through his emails and IM history log and got her number and we eventually met up. We talked and she was sincerely sorry, she helped me trap him too. She sent him an e-mail saying she wanted him to come her place for dinner and maytbe a little fun. I told him my sister was picking me up and we were going to go shopping. I got my sister to babysit and drop me off at this woman's house, and waited there for him to show up, I didn't surprise him until I had proof he was going to cheat physically, so I told her to do whatever she needed to get him to kiss her and ask her to go to the bedroom, and sure enough, she got him to kiss her and soon after he asked where her room was and that is when I came into the room, he about **** himself. It was the funniest thing I have seen, she lived across town and I got his set of keys to my car, made him walk his *** back home, where all his stuff was on the front lawn. Just be careful because it could turn into more than he is letting on. Just keep an eye on what he does and who he is talking to. If he seems to be getting worse, check his emails again find a way to contact whoever he has been talking to. If I were you, I would just flat out ask him if he even loves me and if so he needs to stay off the internet to prove it. He doesn't need it to be happy. If he is not happy with the marriage or says he doesn't love you then give him the boot. It's not worth saving if he don't love you trust me.

Answer 7

This is a sign that he is not content in your marriage. You need to really talk to him and tell him how this made you feel, but be careful how you phrase things. You don't want to attack him, he will either get defensive or just shut down and neither will be helpful. Seek marriage counseling if you wish to stay married. If you belong to a church, talk to you pastor and see if such counseling is available there. If not look for a councilor that specializes in marital counseling. This was a brtrayl of your trust, it will take time to fix. At least it didn't go physical and you are saved all the horrible STD testing.

Answer 8

Well first off cheating is cheating regardless if it is in person or via the web. He was wrong for doing what he did. I have had to go thru exactly what you are going thru. I managed to talk with my husband and decide why he felt he needed to cheat. Well his answer was that he felt he was alone in our relationship because I was always dealing with the kids or working and never had time for him. So maybe if you ask him why he felt the need to cheat you may be surprised at what he may have to say. And if he still says because it was a game tell him that he needs to seek a therapist because regardless of how you cheat you are still hurting someone and trying to establish himself in some way.

Answer 9

I can't help but want to choke him - this was a game to him!?!? You need to find out where he stands on all this - is he sorry? Is he going to stop it? If you are willing to work it out you'd be smart to get professional help. I don't know what I would do, part of my decision would depend on what he has to say for himself.