Am I wrong for believing that my physical appearance shouldn't make a difference in my marriage?

Question

My husband and I just got back together after being separated for 1 1/2 years, (due to Katrina). I gave birth to his 1st child and my 3rd child 16 months ago. I have gained weight with this pregnancy unlike losing weight with the other two children. And I'm on a birth control that makes me gain even more weight. This has been a struggle for me for 10 years, I even became bulimic. And I was told last night by my husband that he isnt intimate with me b/c I'm to big. Hes not a horrible person, he does tell me that he loves me, and that he is very willing to go to marriage counseling. But I am more uncomfortable and embarrassed around him now that I know his true feelings. He even said that he would help me lose the weight. But I'm afraid that if I cant lose the weight that he will leave eventually. Am I wrong for feeling that he doesnt love me for whats inside? And what can I do in the meantime to feel comfortable around him again? I do love him and want our marriage to work.

Answer 1

No, you are not wrong. He should love you either way. You are the mother of his children and you have had a tremendous amount of stress in your life over the last few years. He should be more understanding. I know it's hard to lose weight, but it's worth a try.

Answer 2

Both partners in a marriage are required to keep themselves attractive to their spouse, whether that means physically or intellectually. Now, if you were a size 6 when you were married, it's unfair for him to expect you to become a 2. And if you've only gone from a 6 to an 8, that's no big deal. But if you were a 2 and are now an 18, yeah, there's a problem.

That said, he's stated that he's willing to help you. Take him up on that offer. Sit down together and work out a diet you can both live with (it's not fair to you if he is scarfing down ice cream after every dinner and you have to watch). You should both go join a gym together and work out together, or get involved in sports that you can both do together. That way, you'll be working toward a common goal and spending time together.

I went through something similar with my wife, and going with her to the gym and seeing the effort she was making to lose weight made me love her even more.

Finally, you CAN lose the weight. Everyone can lose weight if they want to hard enough. Just look at people in Ethiopia or old photos of people in concentration camps. They are or were all skinny. There are no "metabolically challenged" fat people in parts of the world wracked by famine.

At the same time, you don't want to damage your health (and I'm sure your husband doesn't want that, either). Have him go with you to a doctor for a consultation on a healthy way to lose the pounds and get back into shape. It will improve your sex life, your romantic connection and will lengthen your lifespan.

If he didn't love you, he never would have brought up this issue in the first place. He'd either have just divorced you or would start having an affair. So at least be assured he does love you.

Oh, and my wife has lost her weight and not only is our marriage and love life better than ever, she also feels better about herself ... especially with all the compliments she's getting from her friends and co-workers.

Plus, she has a whole new excuse to go shopping!

Answer 3

If you truly believe that looks and appearance don't matter, then you can never nag him about not brushing his teeth, not taking a shower, not shaving, not cutting his hair, not wearing dirty underwear, not washing his a*ss, getting a big beer gut, etc.

And of course all those things bother most people. So yes appearance and looks *do* matter.

Now, should they be of higher priority than the person on the inside as you call it? Obviously if your mate's looks change, and you refuse to love them any more, you are shallow and insincere. But if your mate gains 60 pounds, doesn't wash, stinks, has BO, bad breath, etc. - you can still love and be committed to that person and yet not be for a period of time sexually attracted to them.

You have to remember "the person on the inside" is the one who decided not to bathe, or not to lose the weight (not *everyone* has some incurable inability to lose weight disease) and so on. So sometimes - not always, but sometimes - the outward is an expression of the inward. Some things are genetic and uncontrollable - like hair loss or height or eye color.

Many people over 35 gain weight easily and lose it very slowly. So we have to work very hard at keeping it off. And I for one am getting a bit tired of hearing people (mostly women, I feel like) say , "well the hell with it - I am not going to to try any more." For your own health and the happiness of your spouse, you owe it to both people to continue. But do it for the right reasons, not to make someone else like you more based on your looks.

"Keep trying" is the wrong attitude - you won't reach some magical weight and then suddenly the war ends and you remain that weight forever no matter what. You just adopt a way of life that includes sensible eating and exercise and you do that forever.

Answer 4

Okay, unless you are using the Depo Provera shot there is no way that the 'birth control' is making you gain weight and even if you are on the shot, you can switch to 'the pill' or some other method. It is a myth, that has it's origins sure, but there have been plenty of studies and all have concluded that the only hormonal birth control that causes significant weight gain is the Depo Provera shot. Secondly, having a child is not an excuse to get obese. Gaining a few pounds? Sure, but you can change your life style and lose them. Women who have healthy pregnancies only eat about 300 extra calories per day and don't put on tons of baby weight. Your husband is not wrong to be concerned about the ay you look. Like it or not it is important, besides, if you're overweight or obese, the health issues caused by this are more than a problem and sorry, but an unhealthy partner (and someone who is unhealthy by choice like someone who blames their weight on everyone and everything but themselves!) is not sexy. He may love you for what's inside, but that doesn't mean he wants to have sex with you all the time. If you want your marriage to work, take care of yourself and educate yourself about your weight. See a doctor, a nuturitionist and join a friggin gym!

Answer 5

Your not wrong, but must consider his feelings too. A lot of weight gain can be a turn off for some men. It is not unreasonable to him to ask that you lose some weight, from what you say he is willing to help you do that. Just get on a plan and stick to it. Set a goal and do not comprimise. He obviously loves you for who you are and not what you look like, or else he would have left already. Feeling comfortable is something that has to come from within.

Answer 6

He loves you for what's inside...that's why he wants to HELP you loose the weight. A jerk would just leave you. Why do you think you can't loose the weight? Eat right, exercise everyday, and not only will you loose weight but you will feel so much better. Don't be mad at him because he is honest...that's what our husbands/best friends are for. My husband noticed I gained about 5 lbs and he offered to pay for a physical trainer...I took him up on it and it was a great way to learn new ways of staying fit.
Men are visual and it is always important to them what you look like, if they tell you otherwise, they are lying to make you feel better... and do you really want that?

Answer 7

The first thing you have to figure out is how you feel about yourself. Are you comfortable and happy with the extra pounds on? More than likely, you're not. I would solely focus on your health and appearance for your own sake and for your children. I don't doubt that he loves you, but if you gaining some weight warrants the need to go to marriage counseling, I doubt the weight gain in the root of the problem. Talk to him.

Answer 8

Of course you feel insecure after being told this information. You need to talk to your husband and find out if he is just sharing with you that he prefers for you to be thinner (which isn't the end of the world, just because he'd prefer you to be thinner doesn't mean he loves you less now that you weigh more) - or was he saying that your weight is a big problem for him that he can't deal with (if this is the case you have a problem, this would be very immature of him and he would need to learn what really matters). Once you know where he stands you'll better know what the next step is.

Answer 9

That is messed up. I know where you are coming from with the weight issue. I had my first baby 8 months ago and it is hard to loose that weight. I used to be able to loose it easily but there is something about baby weight.

Go to marriage counseling. What he said to you may be his true feelings but the way he went about expressing it was wrong. Men don't understand the damage that they can do with one comment. Remember, you are beautiful inside and out, if he can't see that then he's a jerk.

This is why I hate Hollywood. Those damn actresses are a size 2 after 1 month of giving birth. They don't say, "well I had a tummy tuck, lipo, and stretch marks removed after I gave birth." They say diet and exercise. Bullshit!! It's because of them that men have this view of what women should be like and give us crap because we don't fit that mold. Well do they look like George Clooney, Brad Pitt, or Johnny Depp. No....then shut up. Sorry I had to get that off my chest. Good luck.

Answer 10

I think, that after all you guys have been through with Katrina, your nerves are probably blank and you first need to re-adjust to each other. Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea to me, and if Katrina caused you losses or made you seeing horrible things, trauma-counseling would be a good idea, too. I don't think, that your weight is the real problem.

Good Luck!