Should I stay with my husband? We've just had our first baby. He's so negative.?

Question

The loss of my earnings made a huge difference & we argue about money a lot he does lots overtime & only seems to consider money I think happiness is more important. We also argue when I ask about what he's been doing while he's been out, I consider it to be taking an interest in his life, he considers it snooping. I spend a lot of time on my own with the baby as I don't know anyone in our area & would like to spend more time with him but he chooses to spend most of his free time with his friends. We talked before we had our baby & said things wouldn't change, he used to go clubbing once a week, he doesn't do this now but spends up to 6 evenings a week with his friends. Everytime I see him he criticises and snaps. The only time he has been positive lately is when I said I should leave & he said "I would be so excited". I try & encourage everything he wants to do & know he works hard. I feel that we don't make him happy and we should just leave. I need a partner not a bank roll.

Sorry if I didn't make myself clear. My husband is not abusive, he doesn't drink much and he's brilliant with the baby when he's home. The problem is between me and him currently although I don't know if this will transfer to the baby when he's older. I don't take marriage lightly and would not bail out easily. We've not just got married, he was pretty negative before but that was paired with good times, now he just always seems to have a problem with me. I went to get him from work last night and could see him laughing and joking with colleagues we haven't done that for months. I still love him he just makes me feel worthless. Please note my husband is not abusive.

Answer 1

You are so right about that, you do need a partner and your baby needs a father who spends time with him, not with his friends. I think as soon as your husband became a sole provider and you became completely dependent on him, his true colors came out.
My suggestion would be, if you have a place to go and means to live on, do leave him. It will help him to set up his head straight.

Answer 2

Having a baby can be very stressful on both husband and wife and it takes time to adjust to the new role everyones lives will have to take.. I think you sit down iwth your husband and discuss your feelings without being offensive or making accusations, tell him you know how hard he has been working and you really appreciate all he does for the family and then tell him that you would rather him be home more often than work so much and that you would be willing to make sacfrices on material things.. Don't live by this worlds standards prove them wrong fight for your marriage, don't be part of the statistic... My husband and I have been married going on 7 yrs. now and we have 4 children and I can honestly say I have been where you are and I just told myself that I made a vow come what may to remain by this mans side and we ended up doing some counseling with our Pastor at church and though the road has been bumpy we know we love each other and we love our children and that is enough... The important thing to remember is when you speak to him don't be offensive or defensive when he responds just listen to how he feels because men suffer from the emotional stress a new baby can bring... good luck and I hope all goes well with you!!!!

Answer 3

Don't blame the problems in your marriage on a baby. There was a problem there before the baby came. The baby is just an excuse for what is taking place. Sit him down tell him how you feel and ask him to answer the question with a lot of thought. Then ask if he really meant what he said and if he answers yes then you will have to make the decision on your own about what to do. People may give you advise but they can't tell you what to do. Follow your gut instinct and your heart , you will usually choose the right answer to your problems. But a marriage is only what you make it! All marriages take work from each partner to make a go of it. You know the old saying it takes two to make it and it takes two to break it. Both have to be willing to try. Just don't try to make him stay if he doesn't want too. It won't work that way for long.

Answer 4

Your partner doesn't seem to be a caring man or a loving father. He also sounds angry & insincere!

That is very worrying, sad, unfortunate & not much fun for you. He is avoiding you & the baby by deliberately going out. But at least he's not refusing to support you both- so that's a big plus.

You should tell him you feel he is a big let down, he is being horribly selfish- it took 2 to make the baby, it takes 2 to look after the baby & your child needs 2 parents. & you don't need a part-timer who spends money & wastes his time boozing etc.

Is there a relation or friend you could stay with for at least a week, so you can both reflect on your situations? Time out may make him realise what he is tossing away. & might help you to decide whether you want to carry on with him.

I agree with other respondents to your question, a baby does bring many changes including depression & resentment sometimes. It was probably unrealistic to expect nothing would change. But the baby is here now, it's not the babies fault, nor is it yours- you just need to work out a rota you can both live with if you decide you still want to give your relationship another go... Sharing the work & responsibility fairly = You may be able to get out more & even enjoy a part time job (which will boost your self-esteem... & help by being able to contribute financially, thus reducing his stress).

TALK to him, don't give in- you are 100% correct he should NOT be going out most evenings, & put the ball in his court.
Have a trial period. Any deterioration in his behaviour / attitude, tell him to leave! & you WILL be better off!

Answer 5

You sound so lonely and my heart goes out to you.
It is NOT acceptable for your husband to spend 6 nights out of seven with his mates!!! Put your foot down now girl. You both made this baby and he should take a more active part in being a husband and a dad.
Money problems can put a huge strain on a relationship. He may feel that being with his friend is escaping the money worries, baby and you questioning him. i am not saying it is your fault at all hun but you do need to tell him how unhappy you are and that you want him home with you and baby more. Try to make it a discussion rather than an argument. Most men switch off and walk out when or if they feel we nag them.
It is a shame you don't have any friends or social life yourself as i feel this is not helping. is there no moms and tots groups locally? Try and find out what is going on in your area. Your health centre may have lists of baby groups you could join and from that you could make some friends.
Could you join a gym or go swimming once a week to give time for you whilst your husband has the baby.
It is cruel of him to say what he did when you offered to leave. I am assuming he isn;t involved with anyone else is he? have you done some checking up?
You need to find out for yours and the baby's sake what is happening.

Answer 6

I have been with my partner for 10 years and 6 monthes ago he told me he was moving out because i moan too much.

Your circumstances sound very similar too mine.

I have a son who is 8 and my partner (if you want to cll him that) is also a good dad when he's there but the problem has always been that he would rather spend time with his friends. Like your partner he may stay home once a week and if i'm lucky 2 nights.

When he moved out I was distraught. he told me he still loved me but needed time away from the family home. I still love him and he me but he has no sense of what a family is. he thinks that being a dad is just there when it suits him and that is not good enough.

I recently made the decision to give him an ultimatum,. He either moves back in and we make a proper go of things or we forget the whole relationship.

An ultimatum may not be the best solution for you but another I tried was to write everything i was feeling down and give it to him. It didn't make much difference in his case but it might be worth a go.

One thing that did make a change was i decided i eeded to be away from him completly so i tok a holidsay with our son for a week. I really got my head cleared and when i came back he was very different.

Answer 7

While money is a necessary evil, it should not be the most important issue in a relationship. He may be arguing about the lack of funds, but it hasn't stopped him from spending it on nights out with the 'boys', and I don't think it is the real issue here.

I'm assuming that you are both young? I don't know any 'adult' married man that goes out 6 nights a week and neglects his wife and child. Generally speaking, someone that would categorize your interest in his activities away from home as "snooping", does so, because he has something to hide. Also, if he does continually criticize and snap, he's obviously unhappy. His answer to your statement regarding leaving reinforces this conclusion.

I would suggest you sit down with him when you are both in a calm state of mind and see if you can't get him to explain to you what is making him unhappy. If that doesn't work, then suggest to him couples therapy. If he refuses that, then ask him for suggestions as to how he thinks you can work together to make your relationship better.

If none of the above works you're not left with many options. You can't make it work by yourself, but you can maintain your self respect, knowing that you tried all that you could.

Answer 8

Is this man for real? He spends six nights a week with his friends and he has a new baby?
Let me put it in prespective; my son and daughter in law have just had their first baby; she had been out of work for most of the pregnancy because of complications - they have been getting by on just his wages too; he is besotted with the baby. He rushes home from work every night to be with his wife and baby. He is involved in everything, from nappies to feeding during the night; if his mates want to see him, they call to the house when it's convenient for THE BABY!! He loves being a family man. He is so proud of the fact he saw his son come into the world..
this is normal "new dad" behaviour.
Your husband is being a selfish prat over this, and it sounds like he is not taking any of his responsibilities, apart from providing an income, seriously. He is a married man, and the fact that you both discussed the situation before the baby came meant that one of you felt that things MIGHT change; and that was you feeling that way.
He is no doubt feeling the pressure of being a new father, and of having total finacial responsibility for everything, but that does not excuse his lack of emotional support for you, which you need very much after having a baby.
Would you ask him to go to counselling? it's a good way of getting him to talk about how he is feeling, because it's not right for you to live like this, and your baby will soon be picking up the bad vibes between you, and you don't want that.

Answer 9

I know it's old fashioned but get an 'urgent' appointment with Relate if your husband will go. If he won't, you must get out with your lovely baby and meet some friends at a mother and baby group so that you are not alone and can discuss your problem with women of your own age and perhaps in the same situation as you. Things always change when you have a baby - he certainly sounds insensitive but I have heard that many men feel that their noses are point out of joint when the baby arrives and all focus goes on the baby.
Remember why you got married. Get out your wedding video and watch it. Don't quiz him, love him and I really hope things will change. Don't throw your marriage away so soon, the alternative will not benefit any of you and the most affective will be your little one.

Answer 10

Your husband's behaviors in this situation are not atypical. Some men just react to the birth of a first child.

You say he is working overtime to compensate for the loss of your pay. Sounds like the man has never experienced having dependents before. He is experiencing the rush of being financially responsible for his family. He is also probably cowering before the burden. Whether he admits it or not. It brings a sense of power and powerlessness.

Stop leading him with, " I should leave...". He's not going to have any other response than the one he gave you. We call it pride.

I understand that you are isolated, but after the birth of a child is not the time to address that, ok? Try not to add to his stress level. Mention something positive every day to combat his negativity. (Hon, you look great in that shirt....)
(We paid off that one bill this week, babe...) IGNORE snide remarks. Let them just slide. He's cranky.

Try to have the baby cared for by the time he makes it home. Turn the bed down and tell him you've been hoping he'd be home soon....Show him that your child is not 100% of your focus. There's still room for him. Things are changing. Give him and you some adjustment time. Most men come to the realization that they like family life. They're just not good at that infant/adjustment stage.

Answer 11

Happiness doesn't pay the bills or feed your baby. Great, now that that's out of the way let's take a look at your husbands behaviour. Going out once a week, that would have been fine, 6 times a week? Snapping at you for asking what he's doing? Telling you he wishes you would leave? Hmm, sounds like he's cheating or wishes he was cheating. Was your child an accident?

You need to talk to him seriously and listen to him even more seriously. Probably suggest counselling together and yes, if you must, consider leaving him. In the future, don't have a baby when you're not ready. "We talked before we had our baby and said things wouldn't change." Just wreaks of someone who has no clue and certainly wasn't ready for a child.