how do i break up with a suicidal guy?

Question

I have this boyfriend who i care about very deeply...the thing is, i'm just not in love with him anymore. i tried to break up with him a few times, and every time it has been some other weird stunt to try and win me back... the last one must have been a last ditch effort, and it scared me enough to stay with him. he told me that he had been thinking about ending it all ever since the first time i had broken it off with him. now, most guys i would just say, "oh yea, do it if you're really that upset", knowing full well that they wouldn't- but this guy has a history of violence toward me and others. he has said to me that i am his only reason for living, and he even got a tattoo stating something of the like. he tells me that his days of being a jerk are over, but i know no one can change like that overnight. what the heck do i do about this guy? i don't trust him not to do something rash.

Answer 1

You need to leave. He is using it all as a way to manipulate you into staying in the relationship. It will turn into abuse if it hasn't already. Believe me when I say that if he is going to kill himself, he will do it whether you are there or not. And if he were to kill himself, it will be in no way your fault. He needs to go see a therapist and get some serious help and get put on some meds. You may need to go see a therapist as well, just to learn how to deal with the emotions you are going through. Fear, instability, guilt that you may have done something to trigger it. When he says his days of being a jerk are over, DON'T believe him until AFTER he is seeing a shrink and been on meds for at least 3 months. It takes 45-60 days for the meds to kick in good and then more time for the Dr. to adjust them to work with his system. Get out of there before you get hurt.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This person has problems you can't solve. The best you can do is be honest, be loving and try to be there for him as a friend. You can't let those threats keep you chained to a relationship that's not healthy for either one of you. He should see a psychiatrist and probably take medication to redress his issues but that is not something you can force him to do. Maybe breaking up with him will be the catalyst he needs to make the changes he needs. Maybe not. You can't stay because you can't solve his problems for him and because you have a right to end a relationship that is not what you want. Just be honest, be loving, be kind, be firm. Good luck.

Answer 3

Whew, this is tough. But here's the thing: if he kills himself, that is his actions and not yours whatsoever. His blood would not be on your hands. It would not be your fault at all. AT ALL.

First, I want to say that the "if you leave me I'll kill myself" is one of the oldest tricks in the book for jerk *** boys to use on sweet, goodhearted girls to keep them as girlfriends. I've always said that the solution is to not care, as difficult as that may be, but what he does is his business. It is SO not fair for someone to threaten to kill themselves and blame you! I'd say call his bluff, leave him anyway. And then, if the worst case scenario does happen and he does off himself, just remember that it was not your fault. You have to live your life, and he made his own decisions. The world does revolve around you, even if he believes it does.

But I know it's not that simple. If he's not just saying that he'll kill himself to keep you as a girlfriend, then you should probably take other precautions... Mostly, tell him that you really do care if he kills himself, and you really don't want him to, and that he's got a lot to live for besides you, but you're going to leave him anyway, because he doesn't treat you well. Tell him if it was THAT important to keep you, he'd have treated you better! Further, tell others, maybe his parents or his friends or teachers(if you are of school age) or the police or SOMEONE, just anyone that can help him. I understand the guilt involved in "tattling", or the pride you lose when you feel like you're ratting someone out on some serious secrets, but this is a person's life we're talking about, which is so much more important than your pride. Plus, if he gets pissed off that you told people, then he'll want to break up with you, and both problems are solved. I do hope this helps.

Remember, it would not be your fault. Think about it. You don't kill himself. He kills himself. Everyone has problems. His are no harder than yours or anyone else's. He needs to grow up and face his issues like an adult.

Answer 4

This question really hits close to my heart. I'm a 22 year old woman who grew up every day watching my father do it to my mother. They have been married 23 years and my mother has tried to leave my father over 246 times in that time period. A lot of times he has pulled her back into his life and control with "if you leave me i can't live, I'll kill myself". My mother is a shell of a person now. She used to have smile that would light up a room...now i barely see her smile.
You have a chance to leave a very bad situation. He may try some kind of event that will hurt him but not kill him., Most people who use suicide as a threat are mostly cowards who fear death like they want you to fear life, and you will if you stay in his arms reach. don't me another statistic.
As for the he will change blah blah blah crap. He may change for a couple of weeks, but violence doesn't go away, it can be pushed aside for a while but it will always come back , maybe in a different form. He may not hurt you but he might your loved ones. My father stopped being abusive to my mother physically after my uncles broke his arm, but he turned on me and my sister. Nothing like be held up by your neck until you feel like you are going to pass out and then tossed across a room like nothing more then a bag of garbage. The cycle will never stop if you enter this life of hell.

Answer 5

he needs a counselor and fast. worse case, you can call 911 on him when he is suicidal and the cops will come, escort him to the hospital for evaluation. just be careful, for 1, he can retaliate, 2, you can get in trouble for false claims. so make sure its real.

his life is what is messed up and he is clinging to you to keep his head above water. its beyond your level of help and way deeper than just you. I am sure its rooted deep in his past with his parents and family.

ask him to see a counselor if he wishes to remain in the relationship. if he is willing to see one with no effort, he is really trying to change. for a sane person has no fear of being examined like this.

one who refuses to go is not gonna change, they have things to hide and are still hiding them, in turn having violence show on the exterior. if this is the case and 911 isn't an option. when he is at work or gone for a few hours, pack and move out. change phone numbers, change friends, change jobs, become invisible to him and the pattern of life you held. even go stay with a relative in another city for a few weeks. after a bit he should go about his life. if he shows up again, press charges, call the cops and totally vacate the scene for he is past dangerous at this point and not to be trusted.

Answer 6

He's very insecure but also suicidal like you said.
You can't do it by yourself ( check out step 7 on the below website)
His family should already be aware of it and should be of help also. It is a big responsibility to sacrifice your time and energy being preserving his life, knowing he can be helped by people that have training and will help him long term.
It's very good of you to try to help him out. See how you talking to professionals and your own family first will lead to letting professionals' and his family's 1st steps into recovery!
You'll help him, but also free yourself from this delicate situation.

Answer 7

Just leave. You seriously have to teach him that he cannot do this to others. I have had friends in the same condition, and it basically comes down to this...when they realize that others have their own problems the typically stop whinning. You know him better than any of us yahoos, so you speak to him in a way that he will definately understand. Be firm, if you show sympathy, you have failed...that is exactly what he is feeding off of. I hate to say it, but you have to play the role of Mother.

Answer 8

You are allowing him to control you with the threats of suicide. I fell for the same thing with my first husband. He asked me to marry, and I knew I wasn't in love with him, but I married him any way. He carried a gun in the car with him, and he said he would kill himself with that gun, or take a whole bottle of pills to do himself in if I didn't marry him. He was a sick man, three months after we were married he started telling me of his dreams; and they were all about killing people that he loved, me being one of them. He went to the Mental Hospital for a month, and he is a paranoid schzophrenic. He came home and dumped his pills in the toilet, and I ended up spending 19 yrs. with this man, and he was abusive to me and my four kids, to the point where the state got involved, because I called them. You would be very foolish to marry this man, or to stay in a relationship with him. He is going to give you nothing but grief, because he doesn't know how else to give any thing else. But for yourself, you need to go to Domestic Violence Service in your area. Break up with him and go to a shelter for a month; if he committs suicide, that isn't on your shoulders, but his own. Don't allow him to ruin your life just because he is trying to manipulate you into a relationship. If you get married, he will get more abusive, as you will become his posession instead of a companion, or a complement to him. If you don't trust him now, how in the world would you trust him 10 yrs. from now? You can talk with the Domestic Violence Services also on how to get away from this guy, and how to protect yourself, and to offer him some help with the professionals. But you get yourself away from HIM! NOW~! Its like that picture, he gave her flowers only once, and that was at her funeral!!!!!!!!! Do you want to be that woman in that coffin? Think about it!

Answer 9

I don't know... At some point, you will just have to leave and not look back. What he does with his life is ultimately HIS responsibility, not yours. He's emotionally blackmailing you, and this fact alone should send you running as fast as you can away from him. Don't let him drag you into his dysfunctional world, you have your own life to live. Just go.

Answer 10

Girl, you need to dump him. I had a boyfriend like that and everyt time I wanted to break up he would threaten to kill himself. He once broke a frame over his head, and another time put scissors to his wrist, so I wouldn;t break up with him. BIG MISTAKE, because I got pregnant by him and let me tell you, he is the worst father for my kid. If any guy now would tell me that they'd kill themself over me, I would ask them if they wanted a gun or a knife and I would supply it for him. Do not fall for this because it would be a big mistake for you. Thank goodness I met a great guy and married him,