We've been dating for several years, and pondering tying the knot. We have an otherwise excellent relationship. He is logical, and sees children as a lot of work and a big investment. Says he's pretty sure he won't want kids. I, on the other hand, think there will come a time when I will have a strong desire to have children. This could be a deal breaker for us. Any guys out there who used to cringe at the idea of kids, but have had a change of heart? Is it possible that a 20 something male could develop a desire for children as he grows older and settles down? Or, is this relationship doomed to fail? Sage advice and words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
2007-03-23 20:19:34 · 7 answers · asked by futurerdh 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
hey, you just described me when i was 24, and hated even the sight of kids. they would wail in the movie hall, bug me on the bus/train/plane, and come in the middle of the basketball match, or at the squash court. But then marraige happened to a sweetheart and guess what she wanted kids. and obviously i cringed at that thought. but she was adamant and well we did. and you know what, i agreed that our kid wouldn't be all that i said he would be, exactly what ur guys says kids are. she convinced me that i didn't have to be involved if i didn't feel like it. pretty harsh you would say, but then i guess she knew me better than i did. our son was born and from the day i first held him in my arms ( which i did after a lot of convincing on the part of the doctors and the nurses - believe me), all of my apprehensions sort of melted away.........yep that is true. so.......guys are guys. you know they aren't blesses with the motherly touch you guys have even before you have a child. we develop it only after the baby is born. best of luck.
2007-03-23 20:32:32 · answer #1 · answered by mike t 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK - you have already invested several years in this relationship. You WANT to make it work.
The main point of dating is to get to know someone and to understand what they like and don't like. And then to make a RATIONAL decision.
You want children (or think you might) and he has told you that he does NOT want children. He is happy with things the way that they are. He is not going to rock this boat! He is putting off tying the knot. Why knot? (sorry!) He is getting everything he wants (sex with NO commitment) right now!
Why would YOU continue to invest time in this relationship if it is not going where YOU want it to? Because he MIGHT change his mind?? You are crazy!! YOUR biological clock is ticking - not his!!
Do you really think that you (and your children) would be happy with a "Dad" that sees children "as a lot of work and a big investment"? Where he "hates" every $$ and every minute spent on them? Do you think that those children would feel loved and be well adjusted?
Or do you want a "Dad" who is excited to spend time with his kids and is committed to to doing EVERYTHING in his power to raise and nurture them?
Being "parents" is more than a 50/50 proposition. Don't think that it will be alright if you do 90% and he does 10%. (First of all, you will die from working overtime -taking care of kids is exhausting!). The kids will figure out real soon just where they fit in his world. (And it won't be warm and fuzzy feelings!) And what would happen if you were to get sick or die (heaven help us!)?? Would the children feel loved and cherished? Or would they be handed off to someone else?
Yeah, this guy MIGHT change his mind as he gets older. But YOU need to make the best/most responsible decision for you and your children!!! If he decides he wants a divorce after a few years of dealing with children, is this what you want for your children???
Certainly, there is NO guarantee in ANY relationship -- BUT why would you want stack the deck against you and your children??
I think that you and your future children deserve BETTER!!
I know that leaving at this point is VERY difficult!! But now is the time to make the split!!! It does not have to be mean or difficult. You just need to say that you have different GOALS in life.
Good luck to you!!
2007-03-24 04:27:48 · answer #2 · answered by Cindy B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kids are unlike pets. The responsibility and care goes into kids are different if you learn the ropes before hand.
A successful experience of having kids is to give them values. This is hard, because, the parents themselves may not have any values to offer such as hard core religious folks (they pass on the wrong values, look what we have in the middle east and our own right wing extremists)
Once you did pass the teen age times, and they are on the way to success, that will be the sweet part of having kids.
On the other hands, opposite can happen, and you may wish you never give birth to this person.
So, your bf may have a point, it is up to you, if you think sex is not enough, the risk is all yours.
2007-03-24 03:52:54 · answer #3 · answered by Tia T 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds just like my situation, Didn't want kids and knew it. Told wife from the beginning that I didn't want them, if you have to have them move on. Eight years into it, I'm pregnant and it's to ***king bad for you is what I was told. Your going to be a dad weather you want to or not. I was 36 when he was born, I was old enough to know what I wanted. If you have any ideas like this don't do it, he will resent you! We are still together because we love each other but, My trust was betrayed and I will never feel different about it.
2007-03-24 03:37:10 · answer #4 · answered by Jester 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You each have opposite goals. If you get your way, he'll resent you. If he prevails, you'll be miserable. If veiws don't switch marriage is doomed. Love IS NOT ENOUGH! Be strong, "shake", and go your ways...or else.
2007-03-24 03:47:56 · answer #5 · answered by LELAND 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You certainly don't want to get married until this issue is resolved.
2007-03-24 03:28:27 · answer #6 · answered by Neil L 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
who knows.. let him think.. he just might not be too sure .. or how hes gonna support the family..
2007-03-24 03:23:26 · answer #7 · answered by minizzle 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋