To make a long story short my former husband has addiction problems & has been a neglectful father for the last 10 to 11 years. I never understood why my daughter idolized him but I've been waiting for a decade for her to spit in his face so I could laugh, but as it turns out, it's really not funny. She's going to be 15 & has decided she no longer wants to talk to him. Do I owe it to her to try & force her to have a relationship since I won't be around forever? Has anyone had any experience with this?
2007-03-23 19:42:59 · 13 answers · asked by gitsliveon24 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
ckgene you're probably one of those losers who puts your girlfriend or stepkids before your own, so shame on you. Men like you should be castrated
2007-03-23 20:41:36 · update #1
In every U.S. town there are independent FREE support groups for the teenagers and spouses of alcoholics/addicts.
These folks call their group Al/Anon and Alateen, and meet every week in church basements and community centers.
They have tons of literature and free pamphlets which describe ways to help yourself and your kids 'pick up the pieces of your shattered lives.'
Check online for a meeting near you, or read their web sites for great comfort and support. You are not alone, other have been there, too.
Another good group is Families Anonymous.
2007-03-23 20:59:15 · answer #1 · answered by Kedar 7 · 15⤊ 0⤋
You should do what you can to make her a better person, this is true, but she has to be able to make that decision on her own. You can say things like, "I know he's a jerk, but he's also your father." That lets her know, your not clueless, and that you have some sympathy. I would seriously avoid forcing decisions for any child. There are more competent that you would guess. In fact, any child that does something wrong at the age of 15 is more than likely sure that what they are doing is, they are just not fully aware of the consequenses, hence the lack of experience. Let your child explore life with her peers, and not with with addicted dad...but, again...its her choice, your only job is to make sure she has the resources to make the right choice.
2007-03-23 19:50:51 · answer #2 · answered by Heero Yui 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No you don't owe it to her to try to force her to have a relationship with her father. That is totally up to her at this point. However I can tell that you are very resentful of your ex simply by how you address the situation. His life is just that HIS life, he is your EX and what he does with HIS life doesn't pertain to you any longer. The fact that he CHOSE not to have contact with your daughter was again HIS choice, and you judging him for making the choice he did isn't going to make the situation go away.
During my marriage my now ex had very little contact with our daughter, he and I split up when my dauhter was about 12, and although he lived less than a mile from us he chose NOT to exercise is visitation rights unless it was convienent for him to do so. As time went on my daughter "out grew" her father so to speak and when he would call to see if she wanted to spend the weekend with him she would say "I'm busy...maybe next weekend". When her and I moved back to California he would actually BEG me to talk to her about flying to New York to visit and I would encourage her to do so, thinking that MAYBE it would heal the rift between them. It didn't...finally when she was 16 I decide that I would no longer be a part of it. She is now 21 years old and hasn't seen her father since she was 19.
2007-03-24 07:31:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, my opinion is that you should let her decide what she wants to do. You know her best, and if you think she is able to make a rational judgment on this issue. My personal feeling is that you should try to convince her that she should continue the relationship with her father. But I am willing to bet that there have been many signals that you have been giving her, no matter how subconsciously, that her father is a no-good addict. Kids pick up on those pretty well, and I think that she is probably basing her decision on what she has picked up from you.
2007-03-24 02:40:46 · answer #4 · answered by Tikhacoffee/MisterMoo 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am a child of parents who went through a nasty breakup when I was very young, and I know what you're talking about. The answer is really no, you do not need to force a relationship between your daughter and her father. As she grows she will be able to decide for herself how much contact she wants with him, and it's her choice.
What you should do is talk to her at length about why she is making this decision and even possibly look into counseling if she seems to need more guidance (I did).
As her mother you should have (and continue) to keep the line open for her to have a relationship with her dad. By that I mean you shouldn't badmouth him to or in front of her, encourage her to visit with him if she wants, that sort of thing. But forcing a relationship will do no good.
Also, your ex has a role here. HE owes it to her to try and establish a relationship. All you need to do is allow that. If he is not doing so, she may be justified in her choice.
There is also the possibility that she will grow older and decide to forge a relationship with him herself, and that's fine too. That's what ended up happening in my case. My mother encouraged, but never forced me to see and keep in touch with my dad. By my late teens it was mostly up to me though.
She doesn't need to have a relationship with her dad (if he is a negative presence in her life) to be happy. And, you shouldn't worry about her when you're gone because she will forge lasting relationships that are very strong and can see her through hardship.
She is still very young, but as she matures things will work out. I suggest keeping good communication with her, making sure she is emotionally healthy, and letting things take their course.
2007-03-23 19:58:04 · answer #5 · answered by hippychic1981 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's easier to keep the last name of the ex. Women tend to have a lot of assets tied up in that name. And for someone like me... I don't like my maiden name at all. Maybe one day she'll find another man and take his name. It doesn't matter what you think about her. You nor your husband can do anything about it. She's entitled to keep that name as long as she wants. I'm sorry she is hurting her kids and your family as well. I know they aren't your kids, but try to be there for them the best you can. Show them some love that she is obviously not giving them, but they need and deserve.
2016-03-29 01:53:02 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's come to her own conclusions about him, sounds like she is finally seeing him for who he really is. Don't force her into having a relationship with him, this is the price he pays for being a bad father.
2007-03-23 20:43:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that you should try and force her to have a relationship with him that would make her not want to have one with him even more. She probaly has her own reasons why she doesn't want to have one with him anyways and she is getting older and now she probaly realizes things that she didn't back then.
2007-03-23 19:48:12 · answer #8 · answered by Lacie Kay 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh yeah. I'm sure there's lots of us out there. I just let my girls decide for themselves about him. If they wanted to be around him find but I didn't want to hear about it. If they didn't then I didn't blame them and would ever try to make them have ant type relationship with him. She is old enough to decide for herself now so just let it be. She has her reasons too so he'll just have to live with it.
2007-03-23 20:08:35 · answer #9 · answered by Countrygirl 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She needs to have a relationship with both parents. You have to do what is best for her. One day he may not be around and she is going to hate herself for not spending time with him. I would make her.
2007-03-23 19:49:49 · answer #10 · answered by blondieT 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋