In My Mind!
Some seclude themselves within their minds a break from the world, From everyday stressors, they relax, focus and unwind. In my mind there is no such relief no haven just the dark voices, They haunt me and taunt me to close my life's chapter no peace do I find here in my mind. I can't turn it off, it won't quit! It possesses me, torments me As though it was a demon straight from hell no light, no serenity here in my mind. I want it to stop for someone to rescue me but no one will, The pain is too great the fight has been to long do I just give into what's here in my mind? It drains the very passion from my soul so all that is left is a void, No feelings good or bad all that remains is here in my mind.
2007-03-23 19:17:00 · 8 answers · asked by stitch 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
As you said it's a rough draft. It needs some work but all in all it's really not too bad. The final draft should be quite good.
2007-03-23 19:21:05 · answer #1 · answered by mudsplitter 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's not all bad, a little too goth-ish for my tastes, a little too self-pitying really, but...meh, whatever your tastes are.
Rather than offer some know-it-all critique I'd rather show you what formatting and a tad more innovative word choice can do for you (If I may be so bold...)
Some seclude themselves within their minds:
They hide from the world,
Fleeing the stresses of mundane lives,
They relax, they focus and unwind.
But, In my mind there is no relief,
No respite from the world,
Only voices of the nether...
Cloud my thoughts, and leech my peace...
They haunt me, they taunt me...
They beckon me nearer
They draw me closer to the end in the mirror
No peace for me- they won't let me be.
Their chorus, a bell,
That chimes without end
They possess me, they haunt me
These demons from Hell,
I have no light, within my mind
They chip at my being,
and steal me away
My life a feast, on which they dine
Gouged with agony that will never stop,
The struggle unmerciful,
They pilfer my soul-
Time, my enemy and soon I will drop.
Perhaps in surrender I'll find my salvation,
Perhaps in succombing, the void will be filled...
Perhaps when I leave me
I'll finally be free
Yeah. So anyway, I tried to capture your overall meaning, and did my best to stay faithful to your word choice, though several times you'll note I did take creative liscense. If you like it consider it a gift and call it your own. If you don't then...errr...oh well. Never read it again.
2007-03-24 03:24:19 · answer #2 · answered by Corestar 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Don't listen to the first responce, that person is a DICK, I think it was like you said , dark but it was very good.You captured and coneyed the feelings of hopelessness and despondance quite well. I write words and music, I am currently recording my 2nd CD and I think you should be proud at what you have. The only advice I would give you is not on your ability to write but just to try and write something uplifting after you get this particular inspiration out, I wrote one whole project of songs that are dark and I had to take some time to get back to my quirky self. Keep up the writing and good luck.
2007-03-24 02:35:18 · answer #3 · answered by Mc Fly 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its good, reminds me of early Metallica songs.
When you write like this, you should use paragraphs to mark your breaks, instead of just commas. write like this:
MOTORBREATH
(J. Hetfield) Metallica
Living and dying, Laughing and crying
Once you have seen it you will never
be the same
Life in the fast lane is just how it seems
Hard and it is heavy and mean
Motorbreath
Its how I live my life
I can't take it any other way
Motorbreath
The sign of living fast
Its going to take
Your Breath Away
Don't stop for nothing its full speed
or nothing
I am taking down you know whatever is
in my way
Getting your kicks as you are shooting
the line
Sending shivers up and down your spine
2007-03-24 02:40:28 · answer #4 · answered by Wraith53089 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Actually I like it just the way it is. Very cool, I can imagine someone preforming this, and saying it outloud just as it is written now. Amazing job!
2007-03-25 23:33:14 · answer #5 · answered by wtf 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
try posting this at www.deviantart.com
and u'll get e most intelligent comments.
they have communities for great writeups
2007-03-24 02:23:13 · answer #6 · answered by monkey d 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Wow. I can't think of anything to say but wow. It is amazing and should be published.
2007-03-24 02:22:17 · answer #7 · answered by dancemusicalsdance 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
was so boring i quit reading it sorry
2007-03-24 02:20:12 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋