another poem....how do like this one?

Question

Those mist covered mountain tops
how they bellow for me
as I sit here in the middle of nowhere
I debate if I should respond

Across a long cold river
the trees are dancing
and who cares
when noise is sometimes silent

And those mist covered mountain tops
showing me another land
and as I turn and look away
they cry out once again.

Answer 1

I like your poem...

I do believe that this poem is describing a very dark place.. was this your experience?

This is what I got from this poem.

This is about a person who is in the early stages of recovery from an addiction.
(the mist covered mountain tops) is the high...
(how they bellow for me) is the craving
(as I sit here in the middle of nowhere).. this person feels very lost.
(I debate if I should respond) this person is in a struggle of not giving in to their craving.

(Across a long cold river) I think, you are talking about live which has been cold..
(the trees are dancing) means, life still goes on amidst the coldness and struggles..
(and who care when noise is sometimes silent) Again, that is referring to the addiction within this person, whom is also keeping their addiction a secret from family and friends.

(and those mist covered mountain tops) the drug, the high
(showing me another land) the drug takes them away from their reality
(and as I turn and look away) as this person tries to not give in to the craving..
(they cry out once again) the craving persists..

I hope i have captured the essence of your writing.. As this is what this good piece meant to me..

thanks..and I look forward to seeing more of your poems

Answer 2

I would say to paint a picture, use less small words whee you can, try the sentences foreward , backward and jumbled to see what works best. The contnt will still be the same.
If you can take out two words an replace it with one single word and still get your point across, do it.
This is an example with what you wrote.

Mist Hidden mountain tops
call my name
alone, thinking,
should I respond

trees are dancing
across the river,long and cold
noise sometimes absent,
who cares

mist hidden mountain tops
reveal another land
as I turn , again
they cry out.

Answer 3

I know I sound like the big evil critic here after everyone gave such nice comments, but it's generally bad form to say things like "I think" "I debate" "I sit here" "I look". A poem itself can be a musing, but don't talk about the act of musing itself in a poem. Plus, a lot of your language is not really contemporary--its stiff, formal and sounds like words Whitman would have used or something. Second stanza works for me. Don't see why the refrain of the mountain tops is necessary. Again, with "I look" --don't say that you look, but instead show what it is you are looking at. Give us an image thats not some sighing poet sitting in the trees looking at stuff... let the reader look through their own eyes at an image you provide.
This being said, I think the second stanza could stand alone as your poem. It is short, subtle (subtlety is crucial) and isn't bogged down with your other archaic language and phrasing. And always remember that sound is so important. The sound of language, the sound of words, the rhythm. Also, try to make things more active. Instead of "the trees are dancing" try for "trees dance". These tips should hopefully help you write another poem that can be fully realized.

Answer 4

Another Brick in The Wall (constituents one million, two, three) - Pink Floyd and an super quilt through Korn One Way Or Another - Blondie Another One Bites The Dust - Queen Tales of Another Broken Home - Green day (facet five of the Jesus of Suburbia medley) Not Another Teenage Anthem - Wednesday thirteen

Answer 5

Lovely

Answer 6

wow...nice

I loved what AC/DC said..

my feelings about this poem are similar, however I believe this poem is about someone contemplating suicide..

this is the second poem I read of yours and I feel that you are very talented.. keep writing. I will look for you stuff..

Answer 7

Aw. That's a very nice poem. I wish I could write stuff like that :) Good job.

Answer 8

I have read several poems tonight and I think this one is lovely... I like it a lot.

Answer 9

Not bad. I would probably change a few things, but your version is pretty good.