Jealous of my stepson...How do i fix this?

Question

I got married August of last year to an older man with an 11 year old son who barely knew me at the time of marriage. My husband has been married twice before, but I have only had one serious relationship in the past. He has full custody of his son, Christopher, and they have a very strong, close relationship. I find myself ridiculously jealous of their bond. I keep beating myself up about it, feeling guilty, and my husband is on his last nerve with me about it. Christopher embraced me whole heartedly from day one, calls me Mama, and spends more time with me at home than with his dad these days. But I still don't feel that I love him the way I should after 7 months and definitely feel extremely childish for harboring such a jealousy for him. Is there something wrong with me? Do I just need to get over it? Is there anything I can do about my feelings before I ruin my marriage?

Just to add more details--I am only 20, my husband is 35, and I have been a stepchild since i was young, so I do know how it feels. Christopher is not the problem, I know this. My husband likes to shut me out when we fight and turn off emotions for me and direct affection only towards Christopher, and maybe that has caused resentment. In our first year of marriage, we have had some really difficult obstacles, but in NO WAY does Christopher know how I feel or do I direct negative feelings toward him.

Answer 1

Of course your feeling that way, it's only natural because you two are now getting to know each really good, now throw in a small child to it and the bond they had which is the way it should be and you feel left out. Take charge of your feelings so that it doesn't show around this child. I wonder why your feeling this way though since this child did not throw fits after you were brought into the picture. But if you want to continue to be married to this man you have to stop acting this way. It could be your feeling a little over whelmed just getting married and now being a Mother in less than a year. This has to be something that bothers you also in a way. Most couples when in their first year have no children, so relax and enjoy this time with your husband and your child now. No one said you had to love the child, just treat him right and be there for him and believe me the love will come.

Answer 2

I've been where you are and its a tough little problem if you let it fester in you...so don't ;-)

Seven months is way too short a time to care for a child of his age that wasn't born to you. It will take about 3-5 years to grow a bond like the one you're looking for. Really, it will take that long. You can care for Christopher, you can love him, you can play with him and enjoy being a threesome...but your bond will not be as close as a real mother-son because you're not a real mother-son. You will have a different bond though and probably a very strong bond because you are 'not' the bio-parent.
He will come to you on issues of trust and confidentiality. In the next two to three years he will go through a lot of changes. He will test his father and test you...that's kids. To have you as the person he can turn to "unconditionally" for anything whatsoever...will put you right where you want to be.

Allow Christopher to love you. Love him back with the love you have to give today but know, your love will grow over the years...not over the days.

Today, he is your short little friend. Tomorrow, he will be the other man in your life. Its a good journey so don't rush it.

Answer 3

arriving on the scene as a step-parent can be difficult and challenging for both step, biological parent and child/children involved. You need to work together and take your time in establishing an environment where you can all live happily.
To make it successful I believe that you should start with an open and honest discussion with your husband about how you see your role as step-parent, and you should both agree on your responsibility of parenting. You should also tell him how you are feeling. That perhaps you feel threatened by their closeness if that is the case. Perhaps you are feeling a little insecure and need reassurance.
If You Husband is reasonable he will help you to cement your relationship with his child.
I have included a couple of website s that I found very useful as a step parent. They may be worth a read for you too.

Hope they help.

Sharon

PS: Just as it is important to have family time together, You should also have "couple" time every week. Perhaps this is needed for you if you are feeling neglected or insecure

Answer 4

what can an 11 year old child that is kind to you have to do with your being insecure?

your husband "is" going to leave you. yes you are being childish. what is going to happen is that kid will figure out that you are not being genuine with your feelings, that he is the one putting out, that his step mom does not love him. this is going to turn right back around on you.

if you are not ready to share your man with another person, then leave them alone and move on. you may just be one of those people who doesn't want kids around, and there is nothing wrong with that (if you are straight about it from the beginning)

but you can't subject this man and his child to this type of crap.

i mean, i don't know you, i'm only going based on what you have written. as an adult, you have the common sense to do what is best, you know it's wrong to use the kid as a target for what ever is the real issue. if you are only married for 7 months you should be in your honeymoon period, but instead you have this man about to run for the hills.

no offense, but grow up or get out of it now before you hurt them anymore

Answer 5

WOW! I can't believe you. I was a step-daughter to a step-monster who was so incredibly jealous of my deceased mother she took it out on me. But you, lady, take the cake.

How DARE you be jealous of a relationship between a father and a 11 year old boy. You should be ecstatic that the two are so close and the relationship is good. In fact, it makes it easier on YOU and your own life.

Get some counseling and get a frickin' grip. And if you keep this BS up and try to ruin the relationship between father and son you are a real witch.

Your husband must be a very patient man not to kick your *** to the curb.

As for the young boy, bless him. Do you know how many step families there are where the children hate the step parent and try to make their lives a living breathing hell.

GET SOME HELP! Or have the decency to divorce the man and retain some of your selfish dignity. YOu should be ashamed!

Answer 6

I think you need to focus on how lucky you are - truly - you have a wonderful new husband who loves you and his child also loves you! Imagine - this child has lived through one of the most traumatic things a child can go through (the break up of his parents) and then his dad marries a woman he barely knows and he reacts by LOVING you and calling you mama???? What a kid - I think you had better get a grip - start acting like an adult and realize just how truly lucky and blessed you are. This kids deserves 2 loving parents - step up.

Answer 7

This is a kind of thing that happens when people marry someone who already has kids from a previous marriage.

You need to understand that his son is his first priority in his life and he needs to be there for him. What you need to do is accept your husband for wanting to bond with his son and accept your step-son for wanting to bond with his father. You should be thankful for having a great husband who will not give up on his son what so ever.

It is not them that needs to change, they are in this forever. It is you that needs to change. Your perception is way off. You need to stop being so jealous about their relationship and start enjoying your time you spend with your husband and son.

Yes, you need to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about how can you spend the time with the both of them together as a family. Because now, you are in this together as one family. You knew that your husband had a son, so to keep this marriage and not turn away from them, be strong and be there for the both of them. Be that wife who your husband married. And be that step-mom who your step-son is living with. No turning back!

Answer 8

ahh omg im the same way! im jealous when he is with his friends gf! i hid it for a long time and then finally i just told him im really sorry for making a big deal out of nothing but i get jealous of other girls all the time and it drives me crazy. and he just asked me to let him know when i felt jelous and he would try to help me feel beter. hopefully yours will do the same! dont hide your feelings hiding things always ends badly. as for the getting over it part, imworking on that too:/

Answer 9

To slove a problem one should understand the problem in the best possilbe way

so first write down on a paper , reasons for y u r jealous on him, i know it is difficult but take time to do it, and write what are the possible solutions for it and implement them

It will take time, but i know u r patience and ability to succeed u will certainly suceed
so go ahead all the best

Answer 10

can you talk to a therapist about it. i think you are being too childish with the whole situation. and by the way that you describe the stepson, he totally accept you, so get over it and try yo be his mother for a change. try no to be jealous and be more sincere with him.