How do you make a marriage work after your spouse had had an affair?

Answer 1

It will only work if you want to make it work. To be honest, my boyfriend of 16 months cheated on me about seven months ago, i just found out recently when he told me. Now it was so hard for me to get over it for the first month, but eventually you will learn that you have to forgive him and let it go...or be a person who will forget it and always bring it up. It is a marriage, so for ur reasoning to try to work it out, is even more so... I think if you really want to make it work and really love him, try to make him understand that he can never do this again, that him doing it has made you lose trust in him and he needs to work very hard at regaining your trust, also tell him you need reassurance once in a while that you are the only one for him. Also know if u do forgive him, forgiveness is an attribute for the strong, not the weak. So remember, forgive but don't forget, just don't bring it up all the tiem and think about it all the time if u do forgive him and choose to make it work.

Answer 2

While this has never happened to me, I have had two close friends to whom it has happened. One couple decided not to work it out, but here is what I learned from the second couple.

They were married 8 years and had four great kids. Who knows what happened, but the affair began in church (no not w/the priest). Anyway, the husband, to his wife's surprise, was completely forgiving, nearly immediately. I'm not saying it was easy- far from it. All he said was, "I meant when I sad for better or for worse. For now, this is worse, but things will get better." They did leave the church and go to another church, only after their pastor actually recommended a divorce, but when they came back, the husband went and hugged the man who had been with his wife- his way of saying he forgave him too. After the couple decided to work it out, almost immediately afterwards they found out they were pregnant with their fifth child. Their marriage is not perfect, but I'd say that's commitment- the whole reason for getting married. To have someone there who truly loves you, no matter what crap you put them through. That's tough. That's love.

Something else I've learned from them (they say this now and then) when others have asked them why they argue so much; they're Christians, but they seem to argue more than others. They simply said, "We argue because we love each other." That means they don't go to bed angry, they work out their problems as soon as possible.

I hope this is helpful to you. Oh, and I'm not saying you have to be Christian to have a good marriage. In fact, this example should prove that no marriage is "safe-" everyone is capable of making huge mistakes. The question is, who will decide to forgive them?

Answer 3

When he did that, he changed the marriage to a trustless, respectless, selfish relationship that put him back to square one with you (just like the first day you both met, except now you're starting off with a negative view of him). Only you know if you want to continue this marriage and help try to fix it. If you don't want to try, and you want a divorce, now's the time to speak up and file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. You'll come out ahead in the divorce settlement and you'll have to start fresh.
If you DO want it to work, you must choose to forgive him and NEVER bring it up again (as hard as that may be when you are arguing).

He strayed for a reason. He was looking for something missing from the marriage. The newness? The unknown? The ... Fantasy? BECOME THE NEW, UNKNOWN FANTASY while still maintaining your identity.
Here's how:

1. Start wearing sexier underwear. It'll do wonders for your self esteem & perk his curiosity & interest, and show him a side of you he may have forgotten.

2. Start eating a bit healthier, AND going to the gym. Inner strength is a turn-on, and he'll know people at the gym will see you... increasing his competition.

3. Tell him you want to trust him again but it's difficult. Let him know that you miss feeling special to him and you want that feeling back. He needs to get off his butt, stop taking you for granted, and win your affections all over again.

Sometimes, people forget that their spouse has a separate identity; and therefore, see them not as a person, but as an extension of themselves. Then when the spouse leaves, the cheater has a "not knowing what I had 'till it's gone" feeling. But that helps nobody except the cheater's future spouse.

I suggest you do whatever it takes to make it work. Tell him as hard as it is and as much as it hurts, you will try to forgive him and trust him again. Then, trust him. Give him every opportunity to cheat on you, but don't encourage it. Accept that he is sorry and will stay faithful, BUT... if he cheats again... no more talking, no sorrys, no forgiveness... you dump him as fast as possible and let him (& yourself) know that you gave him every opportunity to correct his mistake, you forgave him, you did everything possible from your end to let him prove himself... and he failed. Game over. It's Cold-hearted divorce time if he does it again and throws away his second chance that you so lovingly, gave him after he hurt you (because you lovED him enough to do so).

Good luck.
Stay strong.


;)

Answer 4

I have been with my man 6 years, after the first year he had a affair. I forgave him, which does not mean I forgot it. I still have trust issues, but we work on it day by day. If you love someone enough you will at least try. I won't lie about it at times I feel like giving up. I have to watch myself, because sometimes I accuse him of things with no basis for it. The old pain of what happened is sometimes overwhelming. If you want to really make it you just keep on working .

Answer 5

Get the book 'Surviving an Affair', or 'After the Affair' some good advice for both parties, but both need to be willing. Find out why it happened, there may be issues. Beware the cheating party will blame you and make execuses to justify their actions. Best of luck, I tried to save mine but the cheater wouldn't work on it.

Answer 6

I have considered a marriage councellor when i found out my husband cheated on me after 20 yrs of marriage. I have found out that after "therapy" things dont always get better and it may open up things that u werent ready for. Look inside urself and see what u really want to do. Is it something that is worth working on or has the love gone and maybe its time to turn over a new leaf? Unfortunately there is no book to follow on this one and u will have to find the right doors to open. Im still searching, its been 8months and im still unsure. If u find something helpful out there please let me know. Good luck!!

Answer 7

It takes lots of hard work and the ability to fully forgive 100%. If you choose to stay in the marriage then you have to forgive, you cannot bring it up every time their is a fight or something.

I don't know if you are a Christian or not but my Husband and I went through the Alpha Marriage course. It is done through Church but you don't have to be a member or anything to do it. It really helps a marriage.
http://themarriagecourse.org/marriage/run/faqs/couples/

Good Luck!

Answer 8

The only question you have to ask yourself is do YOU want your marraige to work?? If so try to work it out, the two of you. If he asks for forgiveness and you choose to forgive him then take it from there. Just remember one person can not make a marriage work. If he wants to go let him go.

Answer 9

That big thing you call trust has just been broken, and sometimes people can forgive some can't you need to ask yourself if you can really ever trust him to be faithful to you. You can forgive but never forget, believe me this will stay on your conscious and stay with you for a long time. Do whats best for you.

Answer 10

Easy take the house and the car and the (whatever) and tell him your an a** and leave. Once a cheater always a cheater, sorry. I could never forgive him for that. I just couldn't get over that I would never trust him again.