As I pass you by
in the hall
I want to say hi
and your name i want to call
All I do is glance
or I just stare
Maybe I should take a chance
But I do not dare
2007-03-23 15:00:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Obviously, someone inspired you at school to write this. It's not bad for a start but it kinda reminds me of a nursery rhyme. You need to put a lil twist to your put and make it more creative and unique.
In the hall, as I pass you by
I stalled and resist the urge to say hi
your name i want to call - i insist
cause all i can do is glance
those looks i miss
and i stare
wanting to take that chance
yet i do not dare
cause in the hall, there you passed me by
as i once again secretly waved goodbye
Have fun with words! good luck! hope you'll be one good poet!
:)
2007-03-23 15:14:41 · answer #1 · answered by simple 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
kinda cheesy in the order it is written. I am no expert by far, but a lover of poetry. If you start with the ideas at the bottom and then move to the first idea, it may be more poetic. To demonstrate:
Do I dare take a chance
At more than a glance?
....
All I want to say is Hi
As in the hall I pass you by.
You can rework the middle some using diffferent words if you want a longer poem with more rhyming words since reworking the begining and end takes out some of the rhyme. See what you think. As I said, I am no expert nor was English Class ever my forte.
2007-03-23 22:16:43 · answer #2 · answered by Kristie Y 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sweet and shy.
Reminds me of Haiku, the Japanese form of poetry that was so popular MANY years ago. There are composition rules to writing Haiku, but I'm not sure what they are.
Turn around and say a loud "HI" to that person next time. Maybe you'll get a short story out of it!
Good luck.
2007-03-23 22:12:04 · answer #3 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a pretty good poem. The fourth line is worded awkwardly in order to get the rhyme, but the sentiment is clear and I think it's touching.
2007-03-23 22:05:54 · answer #4 · answered by yahoohoo 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's a very good begining. As a pro would say, there's more than one kind of poetry. There's the rhyming and there's funny. There's serious. Some of it, regardless of category is romantic. If you'd like, I could try to add to it, and give you my version of it, which you'd be free to consider as yours.
2007-03-23 23:57:54 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The idea is sweet, but your rhythmn and flow are horrible. Did you read this aloud to yourself? Try it and you will see that it has no rhythmn - you need to understand meter, pentameter, rhythmn and flow in poetry. Right now, it isnt there. Try adding or subtracting words to make it flow better. Pax - C.
2007-03-23 22:05:22 · answer #6 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Where's the aesthetic beauty? Metaphor? Prosody?
2007-03-23 22:05:27 · answer #7 · answered by Jessica Rabbit 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
short, sweet and to the point. I like it, but I don't love it.
2007-03-24 00:49:23 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
that sounds awesome!! i'm really into poetry and i love it! sounds like the quiet shy teenager...
2007-03-23 22:06:04 · answer #9 · answered by westhillsgarage 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
they rhyme but i wouldn't want to consider it as a poem
you have somebody you like
but you're too shy to approach that person
2007-03-23 22:05:08 · answer #10 · answered by Kensuke 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋