Why would my hubby do this to me and his old friend??

Question

I am 22 yrs old i just graduated from college and have been married for only 4 months not so happily(him and my son 4 yrs old dont get along much putting a strain).Son is from a prior relationship this was never really an issue till recent events.Last week while at a wedding run-through for one of my hubbys old friends from high school the friend turned out to be my sons biological father even though i have never told anyone. I told my hubby when he asked what was wrong and he got really angry.Result was 2 big fights the last with him getting drunk and telling the whole bridal party.He stopped his own friends wedding why would he do this?and humiliated me.

I had no idea my hubby and ex.bf even new each other before this. I also had my reasons for for not telling my ex.bf.At the time my son was made my ex.bf and i were broken up only having a fling because he was with his current gf.

Answer 1

Your husband did this because he felt hurt, angry, jealous, betrayed and overwhelmed by the news and was ultimately lashing out because his feelings were hurt. He was hurt and angry because he thought you were not honest with him and probably knew that his old buddy was the father of your child all along. Additional he was hurt, jealous and overwhelmed because as men, we can deal with the fact that our wives have had prior sexual relationships much more easily if we do not know or have not met the man whom she was with before us. We are biologically driven (you know pass on our genetic code, etc.) to want to be the only man a woman has had sex with…. well at least the ones we commit to (i.e. call girlfriends or marry). If we don’t know the person/ people that our wife was with then we can, in a sense, just pretend that it didn’t happen. Even though we, of course, know that we are fooling ourselves, it is just easier emotionally to ignore or pretend. However, once we know who the other person is that has been intimate with our wife or girlfriend, it becomes personal and we can no longer delude ourselves. (BTW, it is the same kind of self-delusion we all do when thinking of our parents having sex…we all know they do (or at least did it), but we don’t want to envision it or think about, so we just “pretend” it doesn’t happen).

In my humble opinion you it would have been wise for you to do a few things very differently. First, I think you should have told your ex as soon as you knew you had become pregnant for 2 reasons. He had a right to know that he was going to sire a child, even if you had decided that you didn’t want anything from him financially, he should have the right be in the child’s life, if he chooses to be…it is after all his child too. Reason #2 that you should have told your ex is your child also deserves the right to know who it’s biological father is. This is important no only from an emotional perspective, but also because (and not to be overly dramatic) but this information could help save your child’s life someday. Knowing you have a genetic predisposition to certain medical and health issues is not a trivial matter when the stakes are high. Knowing your biological father’s (and his family’s) medical history can sometimes help you avoid problems yourself. Even if you don’t have the medical history in advance, knowing who your biological parents are can help you get the information when you really need it.

Next, I think you would have been well served to tell your husband the moment you suspected that his friend, might be the father of your child. I am sure that you received an invitation to the wedding that had the name of the groom-to-be on it. Even if your ex’s name is a common one and you thought wasn’t probable that your husband’s old school buddy and your ex were the same person, you could have said something like, “Wow, that is a strange coincidence, [insert your son’s name here] ‘s dad is also named [insert ex’s name here]”. This would have at least seeded the idea that it was a possibility and would at the very least, when it came to light that your ex and his old friend were the same guy, let him know that you (and he old friend) didn’t know all along and would have persevered a level of trust between the two of you that would have made it a bit easier for him to deal with, and process the information a little better because he wouldn’t have felt betrayed. He still would have been hurt, jealous, and probably overwhelmed. But, he probably would have realized he was being irrational and “reeled” it in a bit. I am not saying that what he did was justified. It certainly wasn’t, and he probably knows that he was an immature jerk and he probably is ashamed of his behavior. But the issue of betrayal gets to the heart of your question as to why he would embarrass you AND his old friend. He probably felt betrayed by both of you…especially if he believes (even erroneously) that either of you knew of the connection before hand. Being betrayed by the woman you love is one of the worst feelings there is and the feeling is twice as bad if you feel that you have been betrayed by her, and by one of your friends. Men can do crazy, irrational things when they feel like that.

So, going forward, I think you have to be honest with him, but understanding as well. Let him know that you are sorry for not telling him, the second you thought there was a chance that your son’s father and his friend were the same person. Tell him that while you think he reacted poorly, you can at least understand his reaction. Then give him the chance to apologize.

Lastly, you should both, separately, (and for different reasons) apologize to the newly weds.

Answer 2

So you did not know who's wedding you were going to? You didnt know that he was your husbands friend? You should have told him a long time ago he is your husband. you mean to tell me that you have been married four months and he never once asked you who the kids father is? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe he is treating the son badly since he is already pissed about who the father is? I can only say that i would probably be pissed off too, although doubt if i woulda made a big scene like that.......but people handle things in different ways. I guess you shoulda talked about more important things before marriage. You made your bed honey, no choice but to ly in it. Sleep in it. Then wake up, and make it up again. But neatly this time. Good luck.

Answer 3

I'm sorry for these unempathetic answers...

There is no excuse to demean and humiliate anyone, I'm sorry your feelings are so hurt.

I think you're doing just fine; by the tone of your message, you're not angry and judgemental, but instead just hurt. I truly admire that. I think that takes an amazing amount of strength.

Tell your husband he hurt your feelings. Do it softly and sincerely. I imagine this might be the last thing you want to do - you probably are tempted to hurt his feelings back (this temptation will come every time one of you hurts the other's feelings).

Contention is a life-long study.

The best truths about contention are from the LDS church. I truly and honestly believe those teachings are sent from Heavenly Father. I know he is also pleased that you are still hanging on.

You can do it! Take care

Answer 4

Sounds like he is angry at something. I can't see the fault being a four year old child?!, after all your husband is suppose to be the adult and parent in this situation. Maybe he was just after starting a fight? so he can damage the marriage? maybe he is with some else and wants out? maybe he is not confident in this marriage for whatever reason. Try and talk to him when he is sober. And, he has a alot of work ahead of him to gain your trust and respect back. As well as your son.

Good luck

Answer 5

First, you both are going to have to want to save the marriage in order to save it. You need to talk with your hubby when he is sober and try to be calm when you do.

Telling you what you should have done isn't going to change what has happened. So move forward.

It sounds like you all, including your son, would benefit from family counseling. I imagine that your son is having mixed feelings about your new hubby. Until your son is older and can fend for himself you need to put him first. He depends on you for his needs and well being.

If the hubby won't listen and won't agree to seek help for the marriage, I'd send him packing. Your mental health and your son's isn't worth being destroyed by a jealous, immature man.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Your first concern should be your son. How is this effecting him? To heck with all the adults ( a term I use loosely ). How can the adults put the child in such a predicament? Your "hubby" has issues you and he need to sit down and TALK about. Talking something through is a lot different than fighting. Peace.

Answer 7

Your first mistake was not telling anyone ,especially the father, that you had a son by him. Your husband did it as a reaction to your deception. Why would you be surprised that certain people would be upset by this?


No matter what your reasons, the man who made the child and the child himself, deserve to know each other. You don't have the right to keep that from either of them.

Answer 8

Did you not think about what would happen telling him this information?? Did you not think about how he would treat the child given this new light on the subject? This is not something he needed to know. From what I am rwading neither man knew whos child it truly was and it should have stayed that way for a long while. Geez.

Answer 9

I'm sorry hun! It is a bad ego problem us guys have, basically he sees a good friend that has slept w/ his new wife and is his stepsons biological father...I'm not saying I agree but that is not the biggest problem...If him and your son don't get along that's not good, I'm a divorced dad and my ex had a seven yr old when we met..I learned that if he's not as close to him as he's to you it does not make for a good senario..good luck to you.

Answer 10

You mean that you didn't tell your husband who the father of your child was BEFORE you got married or BEFORE you went to this wedding? Yikes... honey, you've got a lot to learn about marriage! Get out now before you make any kids together!