Coarse Absence.
Tender and empowering
Tingled chest and dew dropped eyes.
Love, thick, oozing like treacle
Sweet, warm and overflowing.
As I draw to see you my river runs from the sea.
A vast and inexhaustible supply of life and love.
I dream deep lazy dreams across the valley floor as time wanders by..
I meander round your thighs, your smell, your laugh.
Bowing back and forth now…mere days from the heady plateau.
Spring wells from deep inside almost to bursting.
Changing, eroding thrashing my banks for some greater glimpse,
A tangible touch of your fresh breath on my shoulder.
The anticipation of flurrying over your snowy ground,
I grow impatient, petulant; thrashing and bubbling.
Consuming water rending and burning with the need
To evaporate into the clouds and share a kiss with you,
my source on high.
I will be seeing my girlfriend in about a week.Weve been apart for three. Best answer to the most qualified person to give constructive criticism/ praise.
2007-03-23 13:59:32 · 12 answers · asked by Danny B 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Other - Society & Culture
Thanks to all so far...I'm just waiting to see if there are any more comments/ suggestions. If made some alterations based on what folks have said. The and/commas change works well as does the honey one...although I think honey is adding to the cliches.
2007-03-23 14:54:44 · update #1
Danny Danny Danny,it would be great if you named your poem with your question here, let her decide herself, you obviously feel greatly towards her, and you are all about passion, that's also obvious, and its taken you some time to do, so enjoy the moment with her, have her give you a grade on it so to speak, let her actions speak louder than her words if she loves you too, go to a park, forest, river seaside, bring a blanket and a good bottle of red, picnic away your afternoon with her and then show her your poem, its time for romance my young friend
2007-03-23 14:13:35 · answer #1 · answered by sofmatty 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have some definite talent, and this is your best line...
I meander round your thighs, your smell, your laugh.
That is very good, but alot of your other images are cliches. Try to be more original. If your girlfriend reads this and likes it, she's a keeper.
2007-03-23 14:06:11 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you're trying a little two hard. I am one of those people that enjoy (and write) repetative rhyme. I don't like it how every so often you run across a rhyme.
Sometimes you should also be a little more upfront with what you mean, you don't have to put so many metaphors.
2007-03-23 14:03:48 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
As long as you understand what your talking about, it's good. It doesn't matter what you write, it matters how you say it. A bull s*** poem could be written but if it's said by the right person anybody could understand it.
2007-03-23 14:10:32 · answer #4 · answered by LadyPureDee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the poem, but for treacle I would substitute honey. Treacle implies that something is overly sweet.
2007-03-23 14:03:16 · answer #5 · answered by Julia Sugarbaker 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it but I think it would sound better if you take out the ands and replace them with commas.
2007-03-23 14:05:35 · answer #6 · answered by The Captain 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's a great poem, but it's not a great love poem. However, a great poem is better than a great love poem in my opinion.
2007-03-23 14:04:13 · answer #7 · answered by the Boss 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am not much a fan of poetry but I thought this was well written and emotional.
I think it's great. I'm sure she will as well. Thanks for sharing.
2007-03-23 14:06:00 · answer #8 · answered by hexler98 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not really. No art "sucks".
2007-03-23 14:09:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
is it gross or romantic?
sorry but I don't like it
2007-03-23 14:04:38 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋