A Gray Area in a Marriage?

Question

I've been a dutiful blindly devoted wife for 14 years to a man 10 years older than me. However, last year my eyes were opened when I realized that I put with more than I should have in terms of being taken for granted & selfishnessness. In therapy, my therapist said that it is people's nature to take advantage of others if its allowed. He's never crossed the line in the relationship (meaning affairs, or any abuse that kind) but he sure has danced up and down the line (flirting and such). My gray area is this...I met with up with a high school sweethheart (we were not lovers). We email from time to time and have lunch. Despite my tender memories of him, I want nothing from him but friendship. I don't tell my husband because I don't want to lose my new friend. My husband has fishing buddies I've never met. Old married folks, is there some stuff you keep to yourself? I love my husband, but being such goody two shoes seems almost naive now. At least that is how I feel. Any advice?

Answer 1

Maria, keep your friend. If he is solely just a friend your husband SHOULDN'T have a problem. But in the real world he probably will. It is a guy thing. It is okay to have a few secrets. I am sure my wife has some, and you know what....I dont know anything about them and I am still alive. As I said, keep your friend. They are nice to have.

Answer 2

what a guilt complex! Christ, no wonder you are in therapy. Just email the guy and don't tell anyone. Emailing is one thing, a fling is another, an extramarital relationship is way another. And judging from your guilt trip, you will never try a real fling. You will just transform your feelings to friendship and sympathy. Besides, having an old friend back into your life is a beautiful thing.

And a friendship between a man and a woman has always some... ''gray area'' in it, isn't that right? But that doesn't make it anything more than a relationship between old friends. So don't feel guilty.

Answer 3

1. If you and high-school guy are just friends, then there's no reason to go out of your way to keep it from your husband. There's nothing wrong with that. You probably just enjoy the attention from a guy who shows you some appreciation and makes you remember that you're a beautiful person... a beautiful woman

2. If you husband takes you for granted and it bothers you a lot, you should talk to him.

3. Are you comfortable with his going off with his friends and to this day, you've never met them?

4. You're not naive for being a goody two shoes. You're just a person who prefers to play by the rules and there's nothing wrong with that.

5. I think everyone should have things (thoughts and feelings) of their own that they don't share with others. It's okay....unless their decietful.

Questioning this stuff only demonstrates the fact that you're a decent person.

I have a question: do you really think if your husband knew about your friend from high school that you'd have to give up being friends with him?

Answer 4

You cannot compare his fishing buddies that you never met, to an old high school sweetheart of yours, even if you two were not intimate. There was obviously an emotional connection at one time. There can be gray areas, but there also are boundaries. Your husband sounds like a normal husband with the selfishness and so forth, and like your therapist told you, people tend to do that if you allow them, partly your fault for not speaking up. Does not give you an excuse to have a friendship with an ex boyfriend, without letting your husband know about it. Ask your husband if it bothers him, it probably wont, he'll just go fishing.

Answer 5

Give me a break...this"question" is so loaded with minefields, it is impossible to answer. You are looking for approval when, if you didn't feel strange about it, you wouldn't be asking.
Are you telling us you were happily married BEFORE going to therapy? And now, you see how "badly" you have been treated? Some therapist!

"I love my Husband" followed by goody two shoes who wants to sneak around behind his back to have a "friend." yea, right. You and I both know this friendship will end up more than a friendship, otherwise this drivel would not appear here. So, be honest, at least. Do what you will, but do it with honesty. don't use your husband's "actions" to justify what you do. That is just down right evil. Your husband has done nothing with others. All men and women flirt with eachother..that is life. It means nothing what so ever. If my mate didn't flirt with others, I would assume they were very ill and then be concerned. Get over this crap, call it what it is, and do whatever. But please don't try to suck us into your trap..it ain't working here.

Answer 6

Honey, no matter what- and people say the grass is always greener on the other side, the **** still has to be cut!! I [thought I ] knew a man for 11 yrs. married him 2 yrs ago, and the lying bastard was lying to me before we married. Now i'm tied into a [paper binding] marriage to a Canadian[i'm USA] , and i'm going through all kinds of **** for their immigration[you'd never believe!!! I have to give blood-literally!!a piss test, a chest X-ray[ Oh if you only knew! Paper work out the ***. and all now when I know he's a liar!!!! I hate it! so think twice. If he flirts-you can flirt too-not that 2 wrongs are right. Or just ball the guy and get the heat out of the way[unless you are a god fearing woman-I am. But men do have a way of screwing up the best relations with that tostestrum and that thing in their pants!! I'm starting to believe what's good for the goose is better for the gander.

Answer 7

Hi Maria,

I am recently divorced, and have been in touch with my high school flame as well. She recently came and stayed with me, while searching for a house. We reconnected a few years ago, and have not seen each other in 29 years. We have been friends, and remained in contact since ... by phone or emails. I thought I could remain celibate during her visit, however something happened last wednesday. We shared intimacy, that we did not in school those years ago.

We know each other well, but if I were still married, I think honesty is the best policy. This way you have no regrets. I will caution you with this advice ... you know your husband! You know how he will react, when a family friend sees you at lunch with your man friend. Even though it is plutonic, you will suffer your friend's and family's judgement for being deceptive! As to his flirting, it is in a shallow man's nature, to preen himself and know that he is desirable to the opposite sex. Without additional training from a men's group ... he has no hope to change.

It is good that you are a dutiful wife, however the thing that is missing in your life is boundaries. Not all people will take advantage of you, given you have no boundaries. I am sure your therapist has worked with you, in regards to boundaries. Establish them, and stick to them or you will be miserable in your marriage. If this happens ... then you will be prone for an affair with your friend. As your resentment builds towards your husband, you will feel a stronger connection with your high school friend.

Understand?

Best of luck ... Steven

Answer 8

Only one thing...ask yourself would you want your husband doing this? Even though they were just friends which sometimes can lead to something else, but would you want him to keep such secrets from you, always try and put yourself in their shoes. I know you said he flirted and came close to the line, but there is a big difference in the coming close and crossing it like you have done. If you have to keep it from the other than you know it is wrong.

Answer 9

Many people will probably respond that if it's a secret then it's wrong. I disagree. There are things I don't think husbands or wives are entitled to know about. We as human beings deserve SOME privacy here and there. And as long as this private little online friendship isn't hurting your marriage (you're certainly not cheating) then I see no harm in it. If your husband found out about it I doubt he'd be happy about you keeping this from him, so be careful. But ultimately I don't see anything wrong with it.

Answer 10

Theres an old saying when it comes to married males and married women having relationships with the oppposite sex other than their spouse, it is this: rub 2 sticks together long enough youll get a fire'.Does your husband go fishing with his ex girlfriends?Or female co workers?No he shouldnt flirt, but you need to tell him how it makes YOU feel when he does it.You are hiding this relationship because you KNOW he will hit the roof.Or he will be terribly hurt by it and maybe secretly your hoping to make him feel the way he has made YOU feel.Think about it.