How much baggage is 4 kids?

Question

I am a single mother of 4 kids. I am wondering, honestly, how much the fact that I have 4 kids will factor into a man wanting to date me. I think it is a huge deterrent (to most men) but my friends tell me otherwise. I have been casually seeing someone and although he seems to really like me as well as the kids, he seems reluctant to spend a great deal of time with me.

I think it is a big thing for a guy to take on a woman with so many kids :) and wondered if this is a major factor in men's minds?

Dad pays child support and sees kids every other weekend and on Wednesday's......yes, kids are a blessing :-)

Answer 1

I think it is a form of "baggage", of course. And probably many men would run away from that. But surely some look at things differently and do not mind the kids/ can see them as what they are: great. And if it is someone who seriously likes you, then it is very possible to make things work. One of my cousins was in a similar situation to yours (separated, 4 kids) and she is now in a solid relationship with another man. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

You might not want to hear this, but I'll just let you in on some of my own experience.

My parents got divorced, and my dad got custody of my sister and I. He met a divorced lady with 4 kids of her own.

Talk about a disaster!

At this point, I would say, if you have 4 kids and are looking for a man, look for one who is either childless or has 4 of his own.

The imbalance was crazy. Talk about a major shift. I used to be the oldest, with one sister. Suddenly I wasn't the oldest anymore, my opinion meant nothing, all of my previous family's traditions went down the drain, and my sister and I were now just 2 of 6, of course those 4 kids basically steering the direction of how things went.

Now imagine what happened to the family budget. The amount of money that used to spread over 4 people was now spread over 8, not including alimony payments to my mom, making it 9. Add on that my dad ended up making much less money than previously, probably due to the stress involved in the massive change.

So, yeah, I'd say go for a man without kids or at least one with 4 so that there can be some sort of balance. You could also give 2 kids to your ex.

Another option would be to enjoy being single until the kids are grown up, then find someone. It'll probably end up giving you a very clear head as to the type of man you'd like to be with.

Your friends are right though. There are definitely men out there who will be interested. I know that first hand. But at what expense?

Answer 3

Number one, your children aren't baggage as your question suggests. These children are your main priority until they are at least 18 years old. Your personal wants and so-called needs are irrelevant at this point. Having been a single mother for many years myself, I feel I can tell you that most certainly having 4 children would be a deterrent to forming a permanent relationship with most men. It is expensive to raise children and, not only that, they require a great deal of time and attention; they deserve no less than 100% of you, which would be pretty difficult to pull off if your are dating. if you were to enter into a serious relationship (ring on the finger sweetie) this person would have to accept your children as his own without reservation. You must also consider that, if you are very young, your new man may want to have children of his own. This in itself could present problems in the relationship in regards to favoritism, resentment and jealousy. I'm a firm believer in the fact that to make a child a step child is a huge disservice to the child. It is not unusual for step-children to be abused and mistreated. Raise them first, that's what you need to concentrate on. Once your job is done, go have a ball!

Answer 4

It takes a Special Man to want to date and get involved with a Woman with 4 Kids, and if he is accepting of them and they are of him, and things go the right direction, then yes, it can happen. A good man whom really digs you and is willing to make an effort can be found.

However; my own rule is and has always been, I never minded dating or getting involved with a Woman with kids as long as they accepted me. If not, I moved on because I'm not gonna fight to have a relationship with someone, and besides, I don't want to pay for another Man's mistakes if the children are out to ruin their Mother's chances at happiness.

Answer 5

It is alot for a man to want to take on to have a relationship with you is also to have one with your four kids so yes it is a major factor-i mean it is this as to you having no kids so there are some men that don't mind but they seem hard to find.Of course it's a factor!

Answer 6

It does take a strong guy to date a woman with that many kids.

If you already introduced him to the kids but yall haven't been dating that long, that was a mistake. You two should be getting to know each other first, then introduce the kids to him when you feel things are right. I hate to see the kids get attached to him, then he decides he doesn't want to see you anymore...which would upset them in the process.

In all honesty, yall are just dating. He's not your man and you are not his woman. There is no rule that says yall have to spend X amount of time together. Just continue to get to know each other. Sooner or later, one of yall will bring up the topic of how yall feel about each other. Until then, just enjoy the time yall do spend together.

Answer 7

Yeah it's baggage, however you say you're only casually seeing this guy so it is pretty much a no existant point right now. The fact that he seems reluctant to spend a great deal of time with you could be for other reasons than your kids...you need to talk to HIM about that.

Answer 8

Your children shouldn't be considered as"baggage" and if any man considers them that, time for you to move on; besides most real men will tell you up front if they want kids in the picture or not
Yes, it can be a big thing for a man to take on your children and you, but if he takes the time to spend the time with you and your children, then keep him as long as time allows.
I wish you all the best!

Answer 9

It's certainly a factor to consider, but there are much more important things to consider, in my mind. How do the two of you get along? Do you love that person. Does she love you? Can you "talk" to her? Many things about compatibility are much more important than how many kids she has.

Answer 10

Yes, of course it's a deterrent. I understand that your friends are trying to cheer you up and keep it positive, but I think you already know the answer. It doesn't mean that you have to abandon hope to ever finding "the right one" - but it will be tougher than it would be if you had no children.