What do I do about my boyfriend's nightmare family?

Question

Help! My boyfriend and I, together a year and a half, and I love him very much, but his family is difficult. His brother just got married to a VERY competitive and insecure girl. I don't trust her and she puts me down to make herself look better in front of his parents. His parents are also very critical of both of us. I'm 25 and I have a master's degree, a job, my own place, but I don't like to jog (who cares), I'm not good with babies (because I don't have any!), my bf's apartment is messy--and somehow this is my fault--we don't even live together! I have to prove myself to them all the time and it is unbearable!
My boyfriend is 33 and he thinks I need to toughen up. He doesn't seem to notice or care when they talk down to me. We talk marriage but I have told him that I don't think my life will be very happy unless he sticks up for me.They're critical of him, too, so I feel sorry for him sometimes. But these people drive me crazy! Should I just leave? Give an ultimatum?

Answer 1

he's not gonna leave them for you, if you stay together than they will be part of your life. you shouldn't need to change and they should be allowed to be themselves too... you need to decide if he's worth it.

Answer 2

One of the things that married folks do is protect each other and you're not being protected. If you care for him, let him know that you'll not continue in this vein (You are dead on right, you'll be miserable with this terrible burden.) The problem is that he probably at one level or another feels his family is "normal" because that's what kids think and it takes a huge wake-up call to generate change even when they become adults. An excellent therapist might help him realize what his parents are doing. Folks who are drama queens and kings often use the drama to divert attention from something they feel needs to be hidden.

Answer 3

Family is not a choice unfortunately. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are being very successful. Dont ever let anyone tell you your not good enough. You are still young at 25 dont rush it and if things arent good now dont live together. If hes 33 and never been married have you ever wondered why? He sounds like hes not mature for his age and most at 33 have not had lessons learned. Wait another year tell him or his family that you dont like the things they say and if it doesnt get better tell all of them " If you can't respect me and/or my feelings than I think I sould move on to someone that does." Good Luck

Answer 4

Well, they aren't going away, so make the best of it. Be civil, live your lives, love each other and enjoy each other's company and don't let them spoil it. Be yourself. You don't have to prove anything to anybody. Not being good with babies is one thing (that will come when you become a parent), but if you don't want children, that has to be fully discussed and agreed to before you are married. The harder you try to please them, the worse it will get, so stop trying and be yourself. Let it go. The more you talk about them, the worse it gets. Go, do what you have to for family obligations, make the best of it and enjoy your boyfriend. Stop talking about it.

Answer 5

The fact that you two love each other should be enough for him to stand up and say "hey i love this woman and you need to stop judging our lives". Forget about hte sister-in-law. If she is too insecure to realize it's herself she is unhappy with then obviously that says something about her life. You know your happy with your life and that you have so much to be proud of. Dont prove yourself to them....you have no reason to other then the fact that you feel obligated to. And your not! If your boyfriend cant understand that this is really tearing you up then you need to "toughen" up with him and do what is necessary to show him. I'm not saying leave right away but do what's necessary...(ie: dont go to dinner with the fam, or exclude yourself from important events he would want you to be present at,) Remember YOU are happy with yourself and YOU do not need to prove yourself to anyone other than yourself! Good luck!

Answer 6

As I've said before-ultimatums do nothing to strengthen your position in a negotiation because it puts someone else in control of your choices. Then you either have to follow through (which you don't really want to do or you'd have done it already) or submit to him (which you *really* don't want to do). In the unlikely event he changes, he will resent you (which you don't want either).

I am surprised that someone as intelligent as you, who has a Master's degree and a bright future, is with someone who disrespects you like this. With your education, you could do just fine without him.

I was initially going to say that you are with him and not his familiy (which is why people dislike their in-laws) and that's normal, but he doesn't sound like such a catch.

My personal opinion-you used to love him. You think you do because you tell yourself this all the time. But I don't think you REALLY do anymore. You are stuck in the comfort of the status quo and fear change. Also very normal.

Answer 7

Run as fast as you can! When you marry someone, you get the relatives too. If you boyfriend won't stand up for you now, it's a sure thing he won't later. Don't stay with him because you feel sorry for him. Leave while you have the chance, you sound like a together lady, wait for a together man.

Answer 8

yeah if you really love your boyfriend you shouldn't care what his family thinks. Be yourself at all times and that day will come when his family will except you for who you are. They will see that they can't say or do anything to break yall apart so soon they will back off.

Answer 9

Forget them, be courteous, and keep your distant, they are just jealous of you, so they have to find a way to pull you down. You do not have to engage in the idle talk, who cares what they think. just smile, and do what you have to do. It seems that is what your boyfriend is doing also.

Answer 10

I speak from experience. It only gets worse. Tell your bf to stand up for you or its over. If I had to do it over again, I would have run the other way and not looked back.

Answer 11

BEEN THERE. THESE PEOPLE ARE IGNORANT AND THEY WANT TO BRING YOU DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL. YOUR BOYFRIEND IS BEING IMMATURE BY NOT STANDING UP TO HIS PARENTS. MY, NOW, EX WAS IN HIS EARLY 20'S WHEN I HAD THIS PROBLEM WITH HIS PARENTS. I THOUGHT HE WOULD GROW UP AND GET A SPINE. WE MARRIED, HAD 2 KIDS AND DIVORCED 9 YEARS LATER. GET KID OF THE BOY IN MEN'S CLOTHING.