How can i get my wife to get marriage counseling for our marriage and why is she defiant when i suggest it?

Question

Would her defiance be something of guilt on her part or bitterness and rebellion upon me?

Answer 1

A lot of people are adverse to counseling due to bad experiences, their upbringing, misconceptions as to what counseling will be, whatever. Ask her why she is unwilling to work on your relationship and get yourself into counseling alone if she won't go.

Answer 2

It's hard to say without knowing your situation. What your wife says when she's rejecting counseling and how you got to this point would tell us a lot about how you got to where you are now.

I can tell you that if she's frustrated with you not listening, and she doesn't think that you love her, then there may be hope. (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a wonderful book for you, in this case!)

You just need to have a conversation with her. Explain your feelings to her, and why you want counseling. Be open, honest, and don't blame. I have no idea how you'll get her to listen other than to just ask her to just hear you out. You should also be asking for a little forgiveness, depending upon her feelings.

There is very little you can do to make her go to counseling. Aside from asking the judge at your divorce hearing. Sometimes the judge will even suggest a counseling session before going through with a divorce. But there are no guarantees.

I just wish you the best of luck. Perhaps if we had more detail we could offer better advice?

Answer 3

Marriage counseling can work. However... both parties have to want to go to counseling and work on the marriage. If one does not want to be there, do not waste the money.

Marriage counseling saved my marriage (the second time around). The first time around (yes, i remarried my ex husband) it did not go so well. Reason being, I suggested it early on in the marriage, he said "absolutely not" and we did not go. Until I left him and then all of a sudden he was all for it. By that time it was to late and I was done, did not want to work on the marriage or give it a shot.

This time around, when suggested... he went.... It saved us, I had already moved out of the bedroom and was just waiting for something to happen to make me move out further. Now we are happier than we have ever been.

Sometimes it takes a neutral party to explain what the other means and is saying. Someone to calm things down that does not judge, just listens and helps. Family members cannot do this... Do not even try and go that route!

Answer 4

William, you're wading through some murky waters. Spouses usually treat each other with the same respect they are treated with. You can only change you. You can not change your wife. That is the law of human nature.

What are you doing for yourself? Are you receiving counseling? People don't turn nasty over night. Retrace any areas of broken lines of communication. Try to think of the first time the relationship felt cool between you and your wife. What happened just before that coolness?

Have all your words been supportive, or do you criticize and try to fix things? We often make the mistake of thinking the other person needs to make amends, the other person needs to change. Usually, it is the other way around. Some how we have made our partner feel less of a person, imperfect, full of flaws. That creates a great deal of bitterness.

Remember, women think with their emotions, their feelings. They communicate differently than men. Women want to know that they are still attractive to their husbands, that there could never be any one else for them. Men think they have told their wives they love them by going to work, fixing the plumbing, etc. Men are bottom-liners; here's the problem fix it. Emotions can't be fixed, they have to be healed. That takes eye-to-eye contact expressing love and concern; not trying to fix a problem, but rather, getting to the heart of the hurt.

Answer 5

I could be all three reasons or none of them - some people have a hard time opening up to strangers, some people are embarrassed to admit mistakes or flawed thinking to strangers, and some are uneasy doing or feeling anything they believe is a "private" or sensitive issue with strangers. THEN there are those who do not like being "criticized" in front of their spouses - - her REASON for being defiant isn't really important right now - what is important is getting her to go, right?? I suggest that you put your foot down and INSIST she go with you, AND give her the option of leaving. Her choice - - work with me on this marriage OR take the negative vibes somewhere else. She is in control the situation right now and is doing nothing to make things better. Don't let her do that. You are in the right here, not her. Insist she make a choice - and soon.

Answer 6

Have you ever know a woman who didnt think that she was a princess and always right? Have you for that matter ever seen a woman care if she was wrong, much less accept that she is?

Dude, she like so many probably doesnt care if she is wrong and she isnt likely to accept that she is no matter who tells her so or how many times they tell her. Thats todays way. Hey, facts and truth dont mean spit anymore. It is all how people see things or feel.

Having said that, since we dont have any idea what the problem(s) are, it is also possible that she isnt wrong. You may be the one who is. IT MAY ALSO BE THAT YOU BOTH ARE.

Counseling like faith, is there for those who want it and who will accept it. You cant make a person care, see if they are wrong, change or do the right things unless they want to do so. You also have to admit that being wrong usually doesnt cost people much and they have very little reason to care about doing right or good.

Answer 7

She is like I am I don't think a counselor can do any good when a marriage is in trouble. What good does it do to pay out all that money to someone that more than likely is getting their but beat at home. I just don't buy all this talking to someone you don't even know, when you can sit down and talk to each other and if you can't get it right , then no counselor will do any good. You know good and well you want tell them all that is going on , I wouldn't I'd be embrassed. To me their like a Psychiatrist they watch their watch and they are just goofy as they can be. I've never seen any of the two do a bit of good just take your money and go home a duke it out with their spouse.

Answer 8

Here is my best sugestion: Go alone. Take the doctor's advice, and use it for yourself.
Quit waiting for her to go. If you have a problem, both of you have a problem. Quit being her psychiatrist, quit trying to figure her out, and just accept and love her.
She might be afraid you are ganging up on her or she thinks it is embarrassing or hopeless. She might ...blah..blah. blah. it doesn't matter. She doesn't WANT to go! You can't make her go and hope for any good outcome.
Quit trying to figure her out. It is maddening!
Maybe if she sees that counselling is makingyou easier to be around or calmer or something, she might go.
Or she might leave, and then you will be happy to be in counseling.

Answer 9

My husband resisted and resisted when I wanted to go. He went 2 times and stopped going. I continued by myself. The specialist encouraged me to keep going because if I could improve my tactics in the marriage, he would respond. On nights I would go, I'd come home from my appointment and my husband would make some comment about the "jerk-off" or "quack" I went to see. I'd just say, "well, I feel like a stronger person, and I'm going to continue. I'm doing this because I want to be a better partner to you because I love you" or something like that. It worked. We were one step from a divorce, and now we get along great. Anyway, it's probably a pride thing. She doesn't want to have to make any adjustments. People are terrified to find out that they are doing something wrong. It's a fear of feeling like a failure or guilty. I'm not saying your wife's a failure, but a lot of women feel like that when their marriages aren't going well. I'm a firm believer that in a relationship, it's never one-sided. Tell her you're going even if she doesn't. She's trying to control your actions by resisting to go. Don't let her. Tell her she's welcome to go, and you would love for her to, but you're going to go try to learn how to bring a better "you" to the relationship, and it's fine if she doesn't want to. My guess is she'll eventually follow. Best of luck.

Answer 10

Just a thought she is denying a response to this because she doesn't want to fix the marriage the only fix she wants is
to get the quickest divorce on earth. It sounds to me like she may be already riding someone elses Johnson if you catch my meaning. She want's out are you a moron or what if she wanted to fix it she would have mentioned marriage counselling women are usually the ones to initiate this stuff.