How do you tell your best friend that you don't think she should get married?

Question

I have this friend who is getting married next month and I think she is making a horrible mistake. She had been dating this guy on and off for like 9 years and he has cheated on her like 3 or 4 times. He has no ambition in life. He hardly works and spends most of his time drinking and playing computer games. My friend is miserable and wants him to change. I think she feels that when they get married he will be different. I know she is going to be even more miserable. Is it right for me to tell her this? If so, How do I do that without ruining our friendship.

Answer 1

This is a tough one to deal with. As her friend you should try to get her to talk about the reasons why she is sure he is the husband for her. Then ask her what bugs her about him.
One more thing is they should go through a pre-marriage class. It sounds corny but if it's done by someone who is really doing it to help people they will bring up things about each other that will make the things that are obvious to you, more clear to her.
I think a lot of this can really be tracked back to a low self esteem. You can help her with this a little, but she really has to see it for herself.

Answer 2

I would not want to be friends with about half the people who answered this question. Any "friend" who will sit back and let their friend walk off a cliff to "learn from their own mistakes" is not someone I want to be friends with. A good friend will tell it how it is and an even better friend will take it with love. The question then is, how stable is the friendship?

Answer 3

Unfortunately many people can only learn the lesson the hard way. I did. Everyone told me not to marry my first husband (jerk) but I didn't listen.

She is sadly mistaken if she believes that he will change, rarely do people change for anyone else. If it's in his nature to be this way; then "her love and devotion" won't make one difference to him.

It does get worse and with time she will experience the whole resentment thing. She should really just kick him to the curb and move on.

She probably suffers from some form of lack of self confidence or self esteem issue if she has put up with his crap for this long.

Answer 4

Has she asked you to be in the wedding? If so, you can refuse on the grounds that you don't want to "stand up" for this marriage because you think she will only get hurt.

Perhaps you can get get together and - rather than telling her anything - start asking her questions. "How is this going to get better?" "Exactly what do you expect this man to do once you are married?" Maybe she will answer her own questions.

Give her a copy of Dr. Laura's "10 stupid things women do".

Answer 5

Honey, your friend is entitled to make mistakes. This is the only way she will learn what she really want or don't want. If it took 9years for home boy to marry her then she is certainly due for relationship 101 and marriage is just the thing that will be a serious wake up call. Just sit back and enjoy the drama. You cannot teach an ol dog new tricks

Answer 6

Just tell her, "Listen I don't want you to get mad at me or take this offendly, but I think you should think twice about marrying this man. He cheated on you before and he is not changing. If you get married with him it's probably going to be worst because he feels he has you trapped by you two being married. Please don't get mad at me I'm just giving you a little advise. Hope this doesn't break up our friendship." That's what I think you should say and hopefully she'll get some sense in her to not marry him.

Answer 7

That would depend upon how you two communicate with one another and how well you both do so.

If you cant or wont talk to her, then sit and write a note telling her what you think and what your reasonings are for what you think.

Explain to her that what you see is what you get and that if you marry them as they are, in a way you really have no right to expect them to change. You also lose the right to be upset or crank about it, for you knew what you were getting. Yes, he has a duty to be his best as a husband, but then she also has to be realistic and realize that if she takes him this way, she opted in and cant be but so upset.

Dont worry about the freindship. Look, if you really care about someone, you are concerned for the sake and their best interests. If you care about someone as you should, you are willing to tell them truth and so forth, even if you know they will hate you for it.

Answer 8

You can tell her whatever you want and feel (best friends should be able to do so) Most likely she will still marry him. She seems to like being used and hurt so its whatever. She knows he is a loser and she knows he wont change. SHe can and will be a doormat and you will have to sit back and watch it happen. I have no sympathy for women who know whats up and still dont get out of dead end situations. I would definetly tell her what I feel....but as her best friend....you must be there for her as well.

Answer 9

tell her in a loving way. you are only thinking about her & want her to be the happiest possible. unfortunately love is blind & until she takes off the blinders or someone does it for her, she will only get hurt in the end. men don't change. if she is miserable, then that should be a PERFECT sign for her that the marriage shouldn't happen.

Answer 10

Hey, you standing in the way of your friend's low aim isn't going to change her aim. For starters if she doesn't marry THIS loser she's going to go out and find a different loser. Women go for types, so strap it up and hope that this guy isn't a closet serial killer. Otherwise you are just delaying the inevitable. Why don't you find someone of your own and stop being nosy?