I have absolutely no feelings for this girl. She was from 18 years ago. I just wanted to see if she still existed. I never wanted to hurt my wife. And now she has lost trust in me. I need to learn from this mistake, so it doesn't ever happen again. Any advice?
2007-03-23 09:29:05 · 20 answers · asked by Skipper 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You need to ask yourself why on earth you would lie about something if it was so innocent. It was 18 years ago right? If that is the case and you don't harbor any feelings for this girl, why did you lie?
Thats probably what your wife is wondering.
A simple rule to follow.. if you want to do something you have to lie about or keep a secret... just don't do it, it is probably not a good idea.
It is also scary if you lie for no reason, when you are not doing anything wrong. I am not being rude or judgemental, but do you do that alot? Or were you just trying to avoid an argument, maybe your wife is the "jealous" type and you did not think she would understand.
Honestly, I would not care if my husband looked up someone on the net he dated years ago, he is married to me. I would however get pissed as hell if he lied to me about it.
It takes a split second to lose trust and a long time to gain it.
2007-03-23 09:37:03 · answer #1 · answered by Steffi 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I have to agree with all the other people who say it's a bit more than curiosity... nobody looks people up if they don't care for them on some level. The best thing to do is to admit it, or just be honest about it, whatever it was... You care about that girl on some level most likely, but that doesn't mean that you are really thinking of reconnecting with her, etc.
From what it seems, you two probably have some other problems, since a thing like that is able to upset your relationship so much... This is not the real thing you are fighting about, there are some deeper or may be unspoken things in your interaction (that you need to speak about!) that have caused it. Interaction is always been two people, it would be too quick to call your wife insecure or you a cheater... You should find out what it is, if you care about each other.
I'm not a psychologist, but what I wouldn't suggest going out of your way to please her... that would just prove you were wrong about it. (and you were, noone does that for no reason, but in a way we are all human, and different people give us different things and we remember them, it's part of our personality building...) But do appologize once, do it sincerely, and when you are honest about everything you do and feel, she would feel it as well, and your relationship will amend.
2007-03-23 09:57:47 · answer #2 · answered by Annichka 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know someone whos kinda going thru a similar thing with this whole myspace. I told her the best thing to do (its what my hubby & I did) is to close your account & open up a joint account so that both of you can get on there & have fun, looking up old friends. You should have no secrets from each other. Talk to your wife, dont even tell little white lies. If youre open about everything she may come around. A woman needs to know that she can trust her best friend & that he will trust her with his most intimate thoughts, good luck
2007-03-23 10:02:47 · answer #3 · answered by ? 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are a good wife's almost worse nightmare, the next would be adultery, no you are not trustworthy--why should she ever trust you again?? if my husband ever did that; i wouldn't commit adultery but i'd make him so miserable--he'd wish he had a dog house to crawl into.. No, you wanted to see if she's dating and single or married. You had no business doing that, my space is for kids, isn't it? You did not want to see ''if she still existed'' what bullshit!! You disgraced your marraige and your wife--i would say you do not know how to love a woman. I am sure even your x knows this now, all woman judge. After all these years you haven't even moved on--''so it doesn't happen again" are you serious saying that! you wanted to fool around, and that is the bottom line.
2007-03-23 09:46:05 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your wife is the one with the problem, not you. Tell her you just wanted to find an old friend and you didn't tell her because you assumed she'd be upset about it even though it was innocent. Your wife must have insecurity issues because I'm married and I wouldn't have a problem at all if my husband looked for an x on myspace. I mean c'mon what can the two of you do over the computer?
2007-03-23 09:33:09 · answer #5 · answered by Lala 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Why do men, have that need to find out how their ex's are doing?
Is going to take a lot for her to trust you again, I mean after 18 years you are still thinking of this woman.
Sorry I don't have any advice.
2007-03-23 09:36:00 · answer #6 · answered by hayde_kat 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with those who say that it had to be more than curiousity. Why would you even be thinking about someone from that far back, if you didn't still have feelings for them? If you and this person have spoken in that long, how could she possibly be relevant to your life now?
You obvously have feelings for her still, even if you never intended to pursue anything with her.
No woman wants to be a substitute for her man's long-lost, idealized first love. Even if you didn't technically cheat on your wife, you demonstrated to her that there's someone else in your heart. And if you lied about it, you're effectively telling her that a possible re-connection with this owman is more important to you than being honest with your wife.
I
2007-03-23 12:52:29 · answer #7 · answered by SB76 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you might have to admit to just a little more curiosity than whether she simply "existed". Barring her death, she probably does exist. The problem is, your wife sees through this and just doesn't know what to make of it. Your intention was probably curiosity, but she can't know that for sure. Just give it some time and earn her trust back in pieces.
2007-03-23 09:33:58 · answer #8 · answered by Paul 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nothing good ever comes from lieing to your spouse. Don't try and fool anyone with "I have no feelings for this girl". Nobody believes you. On some kind of level you probably wanted to reconnect with your ex. Unfortunately your wife has lost trust in you and things will never be the same again with you two. She will always be suspicious of you, believe me.
Haven't you learned your lesson already. You already know how not to make the same mistake again....DUH.....stop trying to locate exes on the internet.
2007-03-23 09:35:23 · answer #9 · answered by Kimmy 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Next time, start looking up people from your past that are MALE, then include your wife in on the search for people from your past. It becomes something fun for the two of you to do together, while still satisfying the curiousity we ALL have about where people from our past, friendships or relationships, ended up. Boy, from 18 years ago? I think your wife is just insecure and maybe needs a little bit of TLC from you. Next time she gets ready to go somewhere, tell her she looks nice or her hair looks different and/or good or that her shirt really brings out her eyes. Seriously, the more confident you can make your wife feel about herself, the less these things are going to affect your relationship.
2007-03-23 09:34:14 · answer #10 · answered by Bisou 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋