I have been with my fiance for almost three years, we are in love, deep, passionate, love. We are having a baby together and that makes it even stronger.
My question is this,
He has a porn addiction, which he has toned down for me over the years. In the beggining I never really cared about what he looked at or watched, but now it really bothers me, and it's to the point that it drives me crazy whenever I catch him. I have tried to tell myself that it's only natural and that I know he loves me to the greatest extent, but in the end I just can't keep myself sane. I think about it over and over, pondering on why he looks at that stuff, because I have given him everything (sexually) that he could ever imagine and he has told me this, over and over.
What worries me the most, is that I have found e-mails to women whom are pornstars or something of the sort and also pictures of women. I'm a very attractive young woman almost better looking than some of these girls, why does he do this?
2007-03-23 08:12:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
He knows that this bothers me, I have tried to explain it in the best way that I can, and I have asked him if he could explain to me why he does it, but they are strange answers like he is trying to avoid giving me the real reason.
2007-03-23 08:13:10 · update #1
We have an awesome sexual relationship and he has told me all of his fantasies, and I have told him of mine, so I know it's not that I am not fulfilling his sexual desires.
2007-03-23 08:41:55 · update #2
I have discussed some things with him in a social way and that doesn't bother me, cause I can have that sense of humor, maybe it's me who has the problem?
2007-03-23 08:43:14 · update #3
Now, while it's possible he has some unresolved issues regarding you, the relationship, and sex with you in the relationship, that's probably not what's going on here. You said above that this has been there since the beginning and that he has toned it down for you, but that it still slips through, and that he occasionally does irrational things while under the mood alteration that comes from it (mailing a pornstar and expecting realistic interaction is fairly irrational).
This is the pattern of addiction, and if you substituted alcohol, it would all still fit. So how do you deal with it effectively? Well, it's important not to make the issue porn vs. wife. He almost certainly doesn't see them as superior to you or in relation to you at all. The real domain is porn vs. husband.
You may find that he honestly wishes that he didn't "need" porn, or have the void or other feelings that he thinks he needs to fill with it. Or you may find that he doesn't think it affects him, in spite of the clearly impulsive behavior it inspires. The first step is really getting a handle on what his approach and take on it is, and that will require some empathy and patience.
It will help him communicate with you if you make it about him, so that he can speak freely without worrying about offending you or making you think less of him. Once you've established this discourse, you can then discover what is really going on for him in relation to porn, and that will show you where to take it next.
2007-03-23 08:44:39 · answer #1 · answered by SirCedric57 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The bottom line is that it IS an ADDICTION! Be it alcohol, tobacco, hard drugs, gambling, or whatever, your mate's addiction always has been, is now and always WILL be YOUR rival.
I really DO hate to insert myself into a situation that I cannot offer any help for, and I have NO idea how to get him off it. (I have battled tobacco for the health and even the very LIVES of those I loved and lost every time!) So I cannot help you to solve the problem, but maybe I can help you to understand it a little better.
An addiction, whether it is to a physical substance or a behavior pattern, is a matter of URGENCY to its victim, whereas other things such as your relationship are a matter of IMPORTANCE - and URGENT will trump IMPORTANT every time.
Some people think that URGENT and IMPORTANT are the same thing, but they are not.
Here's an example of the difference:
Say, you are studying for a college entrance exam that is a week away. Passing that exam and getting into college could determine the quality of your life, well into the future. It is IMPORTANT.
Your dog starts barking and signalling that he needs to go out for a walk. If you don't stop studying and take him out, he will likely foul the carpet and smell up the room. This is URGENT.
Certainly, passing that test and securing a comfortable future is more IMPORTANT than avoiding one unpleasant clean-up chore, and, with the test still a week away and plenty of time left to study, the dog's situation is more URGENT than continuing your study at that moment.
The interesting thing about URGENCY and IMPORTANCE, though, is that either one, if neglected, can turn into the other.
If you neglect your studying till the night before the test, then it has become URGENT, and if you allow the dog's personal deposits to build up to where they become a health hazard to you or a nuissance to others, then that issue becomes IMPORTANT.
Your guy's addiction to porn is URGENT to him. If it realistically threatens to break up your relationship, it could become IMPORTANT to him and the matter of your relationship could become URGENT. Then you have two matters that are BOTH urgent AND important competing with eachother, and THAT is an automatic breeding ground for high stress on BOTH sides that NEITHER of you needs.
Talking about it with him is a noble good-will gesture on your part, but he is not giving you strange answers because he is avoiding the real reasons - he is giving you these "strange" answers because he, himself, doesn't KNOW the real answers. Deep inside, he, himself, is just as bewildered by his compulsion as YOU are.
I don't know if this will work or not, but there is one thing I can suggest. I have heard of and read bits and pieces about something called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) that is supposed to be able to deal with such things. I have no acquaintance or experience with it, myself, so I do not know, but in your situation, ANYTHING is worth a try.
Go to emofree.com and check it out. (Get back to me, if you do, and let me know if it works or not.)
2007-03-23 17:11:19 · answer #2 · answered by monarch butterfly 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Keep pushing till he gives you a straight answer -- sometimes people don't answer directly because they don't want to, or maybe because they can't. Ask him to think about it by himself -- you'd be surprised at how much you can figure out on your own when you remove all the distractions you can.
Just do your part and be patient with him -- it's probably really important to him: that even though he has this challenge to overcome (and I refer to it as a challenge, not an issue, according to what my social studies teacher once told me). He'll be more likely to overcome this challenge if you support him only when he needs it, but don't help him with everything -- sometimes you have to give tough love to help those you love and care about to the best you can. A very special teacher of mine did it for me, and even though it was a challenge, I overcame them and he ended up helping me a whole lot, so much so that I can't even begin to explain how much. Just make sure you do what you need to do... I wish you all the best.
2007-03-23 16:42:05 · answer #3 · answered by Green Emotion 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi. I'm really sorry for you!
Shame people can't realise just how important 'meaningful relationships' are. But, before you blame anyone - including yourself - I would suggest you 'go there!' No, I don't mean try to fulfill this poor lads fantasy, I mean go deep with it, and him. Talk freely about it. Don't feel pushed out, don't feel 'awkward'. If necessary, bring it up socially.
No, wait a minute, I forgot, you love this person ...
In that case, don't ask a your question to a well meaning, but ultimately, un-involved 'on-line' community such as this. Bring up the issue with people you ought to know and trust by now. There's no harm asking THEM, either. Go girl!
2007-03-23 15:35:48 · answer #4 · answered by rob s 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all some men are kinky, and they like to watch. I think emailing someone from a movie, is okay you know he never really was a chance with that person, example my guy loves Dolly Pardon, he has for years and it is his ultimate dream to be with her and it use to make me mad. But now it is no big think and he also has alot of porn , but he only watches it when I am sleep. But he has never cheated on me. So do I let him watch and dream about other women. OR do I have a fit and then maybe he goes and finds a real woman. I would rather him watch then to do something.
2007-03-23 15:32:35 · answer #5 · answered by Thelma C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has an addiction. It's not really about how good looking the girls are it's that he can project any fantasy on to them he wants. Is it possible he doesn't want to communicate with you about his sexual desires? You are in love but with the baby coming maybe he is conflicted about seeing you as a sex object now that you are a mother.
Hope this helps and good luck!
2007-03-23 15:24:59 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He might be one who is thrilled more by the chase than he is the capture.
I would suggest that one reasonable way to curb his appetite for this type of material is to embarrass him in front of his family or friends.
He might summarily reject you if you take this tact, but then you will know which is more important to him.
Since he won't listen to pure, hard logic, you may have to resort to psychological warfare in the guise of public humiliation.
I know this is extreme, so proceed at your own risk.
2007-03-23 15:28:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋