Five years ago me and my husband decided to have a 3 some with another man. Unfortunatly my husband fell asleep and me and the guy still went for it. I thought he was playing asleep but he says he was not. He found out the next morning and was heartbroken. We have been together 14 years now and I want him to forgive me. I would never do anything like that again, he will not forgive me now for nothing in the world.
It has been 5 years and it still bothers him so much.
Do you have any advice for me?
2007-03-23 07:41:46 · 42 answers · asked by I am woman 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I find it hard to believe that your husband could fall asleep in such an environment of sexual excitement! I'm not sure I believe him.
That said, I can tell you this: there comes a time when, if someone won't forgive you, you just stop apologizing and tell him, "Too bad for you." Tell him that, though, in a nice, long sit-down conversation; here's how. Tell him you have apologized, repented, and learned from your mistake, and explain these things in detail. Then go on to say that you have done all you can to make it up to him. Say that you are through with apologizing, and that, after five years, the problem is now entirely his own. Be clear that you would like it if he forgave you someday, and that doing so would be in his own emotional best interest. But conclude by telling him that you are not going to bring up the situation anymore, that you are not going to feel guilty about it one minute longer, and that you are not going to apologize for it anymore. And then follow through.
See, right now, you're both unhappy. But if you follow my advice, you will free yourself to become happy once more, and, he might just see that and decide to finally free himself from his grudge by forgiving you. Maybe not, but at least one of you will be happy.
2007-03-23 07:51:48 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree that you screwed up. As soon as he fell asleep, the deal was broken, and you should have backed out. However, I am guessing you all were trashed, which might have contributed to him agreeing in the first place, which might be why he is upset. You earn forgiveness through actions not words, and I assume you have not repeated this again, also assume you have not been bugging him for a redo.
I believe you need to say to him, "Look honey this has gone on long enough. I have apologized for what happened over and over. We were all drunk and what happened should never have happened. I have done everything I can to earn your trust and respect back, and feel I deserve forgiveness for what happened. Since you do not feel the way I do, you have two choices. Either you can clearly outline what it will take for me to earn your forgiveness, or we can end this relationship, because I am not living under this guilt for the rest of my life."
2007-03-23 07:52:21 · answer #2 · answered by javelin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not sure how any man falls asleep when there's sex involved, but I guess yours did!
Hon, he needs to own up for his responsibility in this taking place. He agreed to it, didn't he? Five years is an awfully long time to hold a grudge over what appears to be a simple misunderstanding.
I personally never understood how an otherwise faithful couple could bring a third party into their intimacy without it affecting the marriage/relationship. I hope this can serve anyone else reading this who might be considering a three-way.
My advice to you though, would be to stop shouldering all the blame yourself, since this was a decision BOTH of you made. Even so, your marriage may not survive this crisis without counseling.
2007-03-23 07:51:21 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
See..when you said "my husband decided to have a 3 some with another man", that answers your concern. You both made a mistake by even agreeing to do such thing. However, things happened like it or not according to both your plan. So why should you ask your husband for forgiveness? He fell a sleep. That's his fault. You went ahead with the plan...so what is there to be forgiven? I am not sure who's idea was this at first, but that's is not important at this point. YOU BOTH AGREED!!!! Tell your husband to suck it up!!!
2007-03-23 07:50:06 · answer #4 · answered by Victoria78 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well he shares some of the blame for agreeing to the threesome in the first place...that's what happens when you try to live out a fantasy, more often than not, someone ends up jealous or hurt in some way. At this point, my only suggestion is counseling. You both need an objective interpreter to help you through this. Good luck.
2007-03-23 07:46:57 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It has to be someone's personal decision to forgive someone, or the only forgiveness you'll recieve will be insincere. On the other hand, by deciding to have a threesome with another man, he sort of brought this on himself.
In any case, there is no easy way out, and it'd be a waste of time for you to look for one. If you want his forgiveness, just continue to be a loving and caring spouse- not for the forgiveness, but for him, and your self. Real victory can only be accomplished by working while running the risk of a real defeat
2007-03-23 07:47:14 · answer #6 · answered by Rey Gamberro Salvador 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you should beg for your husband's forgiveness...You both agreed on doing it, and now both have to pay for the consequences. You both were wrong, not only you!!! Just learn from the experience, and move on. I'm sure that now you (both) will think twice before going that far again.
I know it might feel uncomfortable, but you need to sit down, and have an adult conversation (maybe therapy) about this situation, and forgive each other!!
Good luck & Blessings!!
2007-03-23 07:52:24 · answer #7 · answered by PRLadyDama 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, it was a choice made by the three of you and your husband agreed to it. I would say that the communication was not clear and now you are paying for the results of what you thought both of you's agreed on! Maybe he is wondering if you really enjoyed it more than you say, i would suggest a therapist or counselor to help you and him deal with this and then hopefully the two of you can move ahead and enjoy life
2007-03-23 07:50:42 · answer #8 · answered by deborah_redsebring_convertible 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This situation doesn't even sound right. First of all how is your husband going to fall asleep with all this action. And second of all why didn't you wake his behind up??? I think you caused this on yourself!! And your husband needs to get over it because he fell asleep. What kind of man would fall asleep when he knows another man is present in the bedroom. THIS IS CRAZY!!
2007-03-23 07:47:44 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
He was part of the decision to become a threesome??? Dumb mistake, huh? .... on everyone's part... and you for sure would wonder why any couple would consciously destroy the bond of their marriage.
Short of counseling, hon, this kind of stuff just really erodes a marriage.... even if he agreed to it, it is tuff to ever get over the visual of another guy pronging his own wife. Too bad he didn't call a halt to it, rather than pretend he was sleeping.... Too bad, too, you two didn't realize that visual prior to this event. Yours is a typical example that time doesn't always heal. He will never forgive you, nor himself for signing on to this, and perhaps that is something that is grinding on him too. Try counseling, hon.... time ain't doing anything for either of you.
2007-03-23 08:36:25 · answer #10 · answered by ladyren 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋