Help for out of control teen?

Question

I am a widow and I have two sons age 20 and 16. I find it hard to communicate with them as they think they have grown up and want their independence. They both have different personalities. My 20 year old is a man of few words, goes to school and works part-time. Keeps himself out of trouble. My 16 year old is a good kid but is what I call `at risk' child. He does not have a strong will. He does not know when to draw the line, has a difficult time to stick to rules and choice of friends...questionable? He has a flip flop personality and very manipulative. He is no doing good in school, defiant, disrespectul and very secretive about his circle of peers. I cannot even talk to him as he shuts me up and tells me to leave him alone. I am really at the end of the rope. Any advise,suggestions. I can't let go a child I love so dearly.

Answer 1

Im 16 myself. my mom is a single mother with a 22 year old son and me a 16 year old daughter.

I went through a stage like this last year except what i went through seems to be worst. I got into smoking pot, skipping school etc. but this stage only last for a couple of months for me. after my freshman year of highschool i calmed down and realised what i did isn't the right thing to do. To be honest with you there isn't much you can do. Sure people will say to punish him or to get counseling etc. But when theres a will theres a way and usually when a teen is punished they get more angry and want to do whatever it is they are doing even more to rebel. counseling did NOT help me i just lied my way through it and went right back to what i was doing. Just show him you love him and hopfully he will come around.

I came around when I realised i was hurting my mom and I changed because I wanted to not because a counselor told me to or i was punished into being good. Now im don't hang out with the group of friends my mom didnt like and i dont do things that will hurt her. because i love my mom. Its just a stage and i know it hurts you and worries you but sooner or later he will come around and be right back in his moms loving arms.. and never forget that kids will make mistakes and once a trouble maker does not mean aloways a trouble maker. trust me i made a complete turn around and i now have a 4.0 GPA in school and i help my mom around the house and all around im just a more positive person.

Answer 2

The traits you describe don't deserve the term "at risk," really. They sound more like fairly common anxiety or adjustment problems, probably an oppositional defiance case, as is true for a few teens in every classroom. Notably, it sounds like your son is not physically aggressive, hasn't been in trouble with the law and isn't using hard drugs.

A couple of important thoughts: how long has this behaviour continued? And what might have triggered it? His behaviours may well be clumsy attempts to deal with his father's death.

If I were you, I'd make appointments to ask his teachers for suggestions. Also, what adult men know your son? I'd chat with them too. Get some wise advice about going down the dicey road of punishment.

Both your sons' brains are still growing; they're not young men yet, so try not to judge them by adult standards. Especially, don't let yourself get caught in the negativity trap. Your boys need you to remind them every day of all their positive assets and abilities.

Answer 3

I think many 16 year olds were like this at varying degrees. I know I was. Try getting his brother involved with his life. An influence that he doesn't see as the "bad guy parent" might be enough to help him stay on a straight path. Teenagers will always think they are fully grown, although we know very well they are not. Let this be known to him and be assertive in the rules of your house without totally shutting him out of it. At the same time let him know that you were the same age at one time too, possibly sharing experiences that you had when you were his age. I found this very helpful with the relationship I had with my dad when I was that age. Good luck!

Answer 4

My family went through this with my younger brother. He wouldn't respect authority, he skipped out on school. There was drug use and a very bad choice of friends. Eventually when my mom could no longer control him and feared for his life, the state took over. He was in a wilderness program, in and out of other state homes as well. He blamed my mom for putting him in that situation but if he would have followed the rules he never would have ended up in that spot. I don't know how bad your 16 yr old really is, My brother was the extreme type- had the flip- flop emotions ect...get him help now, have the police scare him straight and give him a little wake up call.. good luck with this, I know what your going through.

Answer 5

The best thing I could tell you, having a 19 year old daughter, is to NEVER ever no not ever! 'let go'! This is the absolute time for them to need you the most. Tell him you trust and love him, no matter what, and that you are there for him if he needs to talk, but don't try to tell him what he 'should' do. He wants to think on his own terms. Let him, whether you think its right or wrong. It doesn't sound like he is in a really bad (i.e.drugs, stealing, selling, etc.) way. He'll come around. Just BE THERE. That's your job right now. You've given him the tools, now he needs to use them.

Answer 6

this is kinda a hard situation.from personal experience, my mom was a single parent and my dad wasnt involved in my life and during my teenage high school yrs (im 19 now) i shut my mom out and kinda went through some of the things you listed for your son. there are many things i could list to help you with your son but the question is 'would it help/make a difference?' idk. i think that mayb he has some emotional problems that he is dealing with (mayb from the loss of your husband?) and this is his way of coping. the one thing you should always do is be there no matter what. try talking to him, not about what you dont like that he's doing or why, but how he is-what he's feeling. my mother always-ALWAYS pointed out my faults and that put a bigger rift between us to the point where we can't have a decent 30 sec. phone conversation w/o arguing. try pointing him in the right direction, like asking about college, his interests and what he plans to do in the future. dont give up on him, he might jus need time, he might grow out of it. also, if he has trouble sticking to rules mayb you should come up with some type of punishment for his wrongdoing, or maybe he needs some type of tough love. im not sure, but i hop i helped-or at least i tried to.

Answer 7

look there could be a concern under all this. I wager she wasn't continuously this type. some thing had to take place to reason this type of exchange in her. I propose you have a severe talk along with her once you the two are calm purely start up with some thing casual. I propose instead of yelling at her take a comfortable attitude on the area to hand. i comprehend that it's not straightforward and you will possibly sense such as you're t your wits end yet do not supply up on her. Get contain at school refer to her counselors make her instructors sign a paper pointing out she replaced into at school stuff like that. Her counselors would be waiting that can assist you and supply you extra strategies. permit her comprehend you like her whether she does not prefer to take heed to it

Answer 8

I feel for you so much. I have been there with my step-son. From what you are saying it sounds to me like he is on drugs. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. When our son was going through exactly what you a describing, we caught him with drugs. Even though it broke our hearts to do so, we called the police and had him taken to juvi for a few days and then he was in outpatient treatment. I won't say that it didn't help, he might have been worse off if we hadn't - but he resented us a great deal for it. Our problem was that his natural mother got him started on it. He is still a mess even as an adult. He moved to another state with his natural mother because she allows him to do drugs.

You should talk to your Pastor and see what ideas he has. If you don't have a Pastor if there is anyone that this kid looks up to try to get them to find out what is going on. I can't say for sure that your son is on drugs - but something is wrong and you need to try to find a solution. When you love someone you can't just ignore it.

Answer 9

I began having problems with my teenage daughter last fall. She began sneaking out, lying, hanging out with the wrong group, and would not talk with family. What we did is... we just collapsed on her. Every night we had a talk. We took every privilege away. If her grades were not where we expected them to be or we caught her doing something she should not be doing, we made her stay in the same room with us, do chores etc. She wasn't allowed out of the house except to go to school. It was about 2-3 months of hell, but eventually she came around and is back to being the normal daughter we had before all of this. I don't know if this would work for everyone, but I was determined that I wasn't going to lose her. People told me I was too hard, too strict, had to give her some privileges, etc. I went with my gut. I pretty much just shut her down. She wasn't allowed in her room if her behavior wasn't right, etc. Everything was removed and she gradually earned things back including our trust. Go with your gut and do not let them try to control you and the situation. God knows they will try with everything they have. It wasn't an option with us.
Hope it works out. Do what you have to do and if people tell you are wrong and your son says he hates you... it's okay. You know he doesn't and he won't. He will understand at some point. Do what you have to do.

Good Luck!!! Stick to your guns.

Answer 10

My son will be 16 in july and is starting to get mouthy and is getting secretive about what he is doing..I try to tell him that his attitude is not acceptable and i will not tolerate it..i have taken his computer and whatever he values free time ect...my suggestion is tell him you will not tolerate this and if you have to you will find out where he is going, threaten to phone his friends homes, and tell him if he wont let you know what he is up to maybe they will...get him a tutor or talk to the teacher about after school help and tell him if he doesnt go for the help you will go to the school and make him...it worked for mine as my son doesnt want me anywhere near the school..and my other son is 24 I also threatened to go to the school , he shaped up..your the boss not them.