I have a loveless marriage...comfy but lacking any real caring or communication. Is there something better?

Question

My husband is selfish. He never thinks "we". Fortunately for me, my interests sometimes intersect with his. I noticed that any small diversion about me is met with resistence....if I want to stop for coffee, the answer is immediately no--he changes his mind later. He says goodmorning and when I point out how much I wished we could spend a little time chatting he says I say good morning and goodbye/hello. I am beginning to think he would much rather be one of the teenagers in this house than the dad. Suggestions for if I stay? Tell me there is something better? I have a roof over my head and get to see my kids. He rages when things dont go his way....but most of the time they do go his way. I am constantly weighing my decisions on a scale that goes something like...if I do this he will be happy and if I dont he wont. I have talked myself into staying countless times cause the hoops I jump through seem inconsequential...but they are adding up...how do I sort it out?

Answer 1

That isn't a marraige, it's a dictatorship. Tell him to grow up, act the part of father and husband or that you are leaving his a.s.s. and taking the kids with you.

Answer 2

The question you must meditate on is this: "would I be better off with him, or without him? Sounds like you are not happy. Change is hard. Do you want to join the workforce? If this guy is unkind, was he always that way? Have you spoken to him about what is bothering you. Is fear holding you back? Is counseling an option? Or are you afraid it will only confirm what you already suspect....that you don't belong with him anymore? The leave/stay question is never easy, but once you make the decision, you must follow through and not look back or second guess yourself, because there is no going back if the decision is to leave. Things will never be the same not matter how it goes. The old adage; "the grass is always greener on the other side of the hill" often applies well to situations like yours, where you may fantasize other options. Take a hard look at whether or not things are really as bad as they seem. I wish you luck.

Answer 3

If you are staying in a bad marriage just because you have a roof over your head, that sounds pretty bad to me. Kids or not. Life is too short to be unhappy. The whole argument of "working out bad marriages" is stupid. Maybe 50 years ago. But in today's day and age, I think people get married way to young for all the wrong reasons and wake up one day when they are more mature and figure it out. And then there are others that buy into all that "work it out" propaganda and waste a lifetime with the wrong person and then die never realizing any happiness. You should just step back and really examine your situation and ask yourself some serious questions about your future with this person. Sad thing is too many women out there put themselves in these vunerable positions where they rely too much on a man to take care of them, and when it all falls apart they feel stuck because they have no way to support themselves. Lesson to all women: If it is known that the divorce rate is over 50% in the US, go into it hoping for the best, but planning for the worst. (at least a little bit anyway)

Answer 4

You should try to make it work, that way if in the end you do decide to move on, you will have a relatively clear conscience AND you will have learned something about yourself in the process. I would definitely suggest some type of counseling. If he is too macho to go, then as someone else said, go alone because you'll learn some skills of your own.

Also, in any relationship there are two sides. Not trying to blame you, but you are enabling his behavior. Why? Perhaps insecurity on your part, low self esteem, afraid of being alone, etc. Whatever it is, you need to learn that about yourself. That way, if you do go splitsville, hopefully you won't fall into another similar relationship. That's why the individual counseling might help you.

Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but be careful. It could be because there is a bunch of manure in the soil.

Good luck!

Answer 5

This depends on how much you are willing to give up/put up with for your marriage. I would never stay in a marriage for the children as they will very soon be out of the house and living their own lives.
Have you really tried talking to him? If you have and he is unwilling to change (and why should he? He gets what he wants. He is not the one being denied.)
then you need to decide if you can live the rest of your life like this or not because now you know for sure that he is unwilling to change. Men can be selfish and lazy and they only change when they have to. What circumstances exist in his life to make him change?
The other thing you can do is to live more for yourself without leaving the relationship.
If you do the cooking and you want chicken and he wants steak, make chicken then if he complains let him know he can make his own steak if he wishes but this is what you have made for dinner.
Be more out spoken. You have just as much of a right to life as he does!

Answer 6

This is not a marriage. A marriage is a partner ship sure, we give into each other and compromise but, there needs to be respect, appreciation, communication for a start. It's sounds like you are two people who share a house not a home. Tell him to grow up and step up to the plate, you need to put your foot down and stand tall. Your letting this guy walk all over you and he will continue to do so as long as you are willing to be a door mat. Either get him to get some help or get rid of him.. No one can respect you unless you have some respect for yourself. Good Luck

Answer 7

If your story is accurate, then let me say this: when people are dating, they can be too giving and train their mate to be takers. And when they are dating, they think, "someday, this will change, but right now it's not that important", but the time to negotiate your boundaries is when the relationship is new and before you train your partner to be selfish. Partner wants to take relationship to the next level? Then this needs to change. See? In the begining you have leverage, you have negotiating tools, and you can walk away without abandoning children and such.


It's difficult if not impossible to reclaim your power once you've given it away and trained your partner to treat you as an inferior.

Answer 8

It's not a "comfy" marriage if you are basing all of your decisions on how he will react. That's a very uncomfortable way to live. Where do you fit into the equation?

Maybe some counseling would help. If he doesn't agree to go, you should go on your own. It might help you find other ways to deal with him, or it might help you decide that it's time to choose a different path.

Answer 9

Well, it is always best to keep a marriage together, especially when there are children involved. But you can not change him. He needs to realize that a change is needed.

I would highly suggest a conference (link is below). If anything, it would be a chance for the two of you to spend the weekend together, alone.

Answer 10

There is most definately something better. Men like him tend to crumble when their women bail. No one deserves to be treated that way. I would threaten to leave if things dont change. If they dont change you can try some prefessional help. Live is too short to be with an @sshole.