How do I help my 6 yr old son cope with his brother's death?

Question

My 4 years old died about 4 months ago from cancer and none of the family dealt with it well especially me.I left for 3 months about a month after the funeral because I couldn't cope being reminded of him everywhere I went.I had very little contact with my son because I requested that my husband only contacted me in case of emergency while I was away.Now I'm back and my son's acting very distant.How do I help him cope now that I've had some time away to deal with it myself?

Answer 1

You don't understand what you did.

You are mom. Mom's make it all better. But you didn't make it better. he died. And mom ran away.

your son is afraid that you will abandon him. he is afraid that mom will run again.

like with your husband you need family counselling. You need to promise him you won't leave. (and the other question plays into this one). If you get divorced, then he will have lost his whole world.

You need to make your son understand that you don't blame him for his brothers death, and you will be there for him. You need to apologize for not being there when he needed you. And you need to then shut up, and let him open to you. Ask him to help you do things togehter. like fold laundry, or cook.Tell him you love him, and express disappointment in how you acted. then let him communicate with you.

Your family needs grief and trauma counselling.

Answer 2

i just read your other question on line and was totally shocked to read that you had an affair with your EX after your son just died....your other boy needed you at the time when you were off sleeping with someone else he is only 6 and wouldn't have understood what happened to his brother and then mum left and he only had dad who i bet wasn't coping very well either...just take your family away some good where you can do whatever as a family and also get some counselling for you and your son and maybe even the hubby as things aren't going to get better for a long time you all have a long road to take....just remember your boy who did pass away will always be in her heart but think about the little one still here ....best of luck god bless you all

Answer 3

Im so sorry for your loss. From your sons point of view, i can see where he probably feels abandoned, By mom. He lost his brother and then loses mommy the next month. Then you come back.....
I hate to say this but in your lowest of misery, you should have never left your family. Granted your little boy died, But you are "mommy" the comforter, the giver, the strength.
And that left home when home needed you the most.
But you are human and i see why you left. Such a heartbreak is un bearable.
You need to just hold your other son . PLEASE TALK TO HIM. Let him cry on you if he needs too. Both of you cry together. The worst thing you can do is avoid emotions. Let him be able to come to his mom, for comfort. Show him that because his brother died that he is just as important to you, and that at the least, you have him. Im so sorry about your loss. Nothing i can say will ease any pain. Just spend your day with your son. ASK HIM HOW HE IS FEELING. dig into his head, if he keeps in his questions and emotions it will have severe consequences in the future. Be strong, your fammily needs you. Please seek counseling, as a mother you should be the last person on your mind. Fix your baby...

Answer 4

I concur with the previous poster in that you all need grief counseling.
Seriously, this isn't something you can fix on your own no matter how good you think you are, or how hard you try.

My wife passed when my daughter was 4. Eventually I came to the realization that I wasn't capable of providing her with the necessary compassion, words, counseling, what have you to get her through this. I had to get her outside counseling (which she still has to this day.) I can't imagine losing a child .... I fear it every day. Only a person removed from the situation can really help your son, your entire family.

Don't listen to the judgments of being a bad mother because you left. Everyone handles situations differently. It's easy to judge if one isn't in the situation. You made a choice, right or wrong, and you can't go back and change it. You can only hope to make the right choices in the future. One of those correct choices would be to get your family into counseling.

Answer 5

I think he might be in denial or he's trying not to think about it. My little brothers were young when my dad had cancer and they didn't know how they felt when he died. I suggest trying to talk to him about it and making him understand it. If he becomes distant still maybe you can get a child psychologist to talk to him. I don't really know if it is that serious, it's just that some people have tramautic things happen to them when they are younger and then later on it effects them their entire life and maybe theirn religious beliefs. To this day I still fear I could lose any other family member I have just like that.

Answer 6

I'm afraid I have to agree with Adorebilly.... Part of your son's issues are as likely to be attached to your absence as they are to the grieving process over his brother.

When that tragedy happened, he lost not just his brother.... He lost his mom. His distant behavior most likely is a defense mechanism for avoiding that hurt and sense of abandonment again.

I cannot imagine what a loss like that would be like. Nor can I say what I would do to try to heal after something like that. My intent is not to just throw blame your way, but you must bare some responsibility for your actions. And for our children's sake, even at our most tragic moments (sometimes especially during those times) we must accept that our needs must take a backseat to those of our children.

What is needed now is for you to reestablish that trust that Mom is going to be there for this little boy when he needs you. Only then are you going to be able to help his healing over the loss of his brother.

I agree counseling for the family is definitely needed here. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

Your the Mommy his security and you left him, it is understandable why he is acting distant. I feel sorry for you but I feel more sorry for your living son. He not only lost his Brother but lost you too. I'm sure this is something that will take a very long time to recover from. You need to try to explain why you left him in his time of need. And assure him that you will never do anything close to this again.

Answer 8

I am very sorry for your loss but not to be mean...You messed your 6 yr old up. How can you expect him not to be distant when his mommy left him for 3 months. That is very damaging to a child. He probably feels like he wasnt good enough to make you stay after your other child died. You need to get into some family councling maybe and try to work on getting your lives back on track.

Answer 9

While making it better for yourself, you may have made it much worse for your son. Not only did he have to deal with death, he had to deal witht he loss of his mother too. His a child, he didn't understand if you would be back or not. When he needed you, you were not there, so that may have made it worse for him. I would say you should probably spend as much time as possible with him, one on one, so he can gain back trust in you. Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

Im sorry for your loss. Dont worry. you did what you had to do, your son will understand when he gets older. Now that you are somewhat better, please try to focus your attention on him. Take him out, play with him, spend time with him. Try to make things normal for him, because remember he is a child still as well and needs his parents. He will get over this, I think he is just trying to understand it all.
Best Wishes