I cheated on my husband with my ex-bf following my young son's death.Will he ever forgive me?

Question

Me and my husband have been happily married for 8 years.We had 2 kids, one 4 the other 6.Three months ago my younger son Jordon passed away from cancer and it just about killed me.I wasn't dealing at all and left town a month after the funeral to stay with an ex-boyfriend to get myself together,leaving my husband and 6 yr old on their own.I was incredibly messed up and had a affair with said ex.I stayed with the ex for 3 months because I just couldn't deal with being at home where everything reminded me of my son.I came home last week and although my son was overjoyed to see me,my husband has barely said a word to me since I left.He begged me to come home whenever I called but and now it seems it's too late and he can't forgive me for leaving and the affair.I was really messed up and wasn't thinking clearly.I confessed and he wants a divorce.How do I make him see how sorry I am?

Answer 1

You cannot "force" him to understand your perspective. You cannot "make" him see how sorry you are. He is an independent person with independent feelings.

I need to make sure you fully understand this, you cannot make things better unless you see this.

I am very sorry to hear of your family tragedy. I wish you strength and wisdom as you proceed forward in rebuilding your life and the life of your family.

As hard as it will be, you need to see your husbands perspective. You can't just be very sorry. You need to understand how he feels and tell him and demonstrate to him the depth of your understanding. Without crying. You should take responsibility and show a mature you, not a weak squishy you. Don't be seeking pity. Ask him if he would consider seeing a counsellor with you. If he's oppposed to counselling, you are going to need to have his reply in hardcopy for your divorce atty.

Try seeking councelling to help your 6 year old. He's going to have to participate in that. Let that extend to the two of you and see if councelling becomes more acceptable to him over time. If you belong to a church discuss with your pastor.

There is hope, but you need to seize the bull by the horns and be a strong willed adult and take swift action to demonstrate your resolve to stay married. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Sometimes what is done cannot be undone. I'm sure you'd agree that your behavior is a huge pill to swallow, even under the circumstance . I mean, if I were him, I couldn't do it, while I might try to understand, I could never forget and 3 months of abandonment while being in the bed of an ex...wow! How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Sorry but, I believe that it's more than I could handle. I'd probably be filing for divorce too. It is probably time to decide how best to move all this forward, living independent lives while parenting the child left behind. More importantly, what about the remaining child. This kid doesn't need this drama... brother gone, mother an emotional train wreck, parents in a state of getting a divorce. This is an emotional disaster for a six-year old child. Instead of being so self-absorbed, you need to focus your energy on the well being of your kid. That doesn't mean staying married, it just means getting on with life in a manner that is supportive and stable to the childs life. Maybe that even means you give up custody? There are plenty of well adjusted kids coming from divorced homes. You need to be sure that your kid is one of them. You set the table, so stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Answer 3

Remind him that marriage is for better or worse n unfortunately the worse did happen n if u truly love 1 another u would do anything possible to make your relationship work which includes seeking professional help.Family counselling as well as u alone to deal with your actions (behaviour) n loss.There is nothing more difficult then loosing a child.It's a hard situation cuz he probably needed u more then ever but when a family loses a child love doesn't help.I've been there n let me tell u I no what your saying.U where probably going mental n did the right thing by leaving but choose the wrong person to help u.Your trust went to another man instead of your husband so it takes time for someone to trust again.I would tell him u love him n plz try just 1 time for u n child to see if this can work out.U need to try at least once n then u can give up .I'm soooooo sorry about your loss.If u can get him to counselling that would help put your behaviour in perspective.Reason why u went to him.He needs to hear from someone other then u that this is not normal behaviour that a loss of a child can drive many people to worse things.Plz look into it for it's worth it if u want to save this marriage.Good luck n hang in there n don't give up.

Answer 4

I'm very sorry to hear about your little boy. I think you may be in an impossible spot here. It's not just about the fact that you cheated on him - it's that you left him, and your other child, when they needed you the most. Even if you were able to stay together, I'm not sure he would ever trust you again. (At least, that would most definitely be true for me.) Maybe you could remind him that you still have a child together. That might be enough for you to convince him to go into some kind of marriage counseling with you. Good Luck! I hope everything works out for all of you.

Answer 5

First off my deepest condolences. I believe you just needed an escape from your version of everyday normality. The last couple of years couldn't of been to pleasing for you and yours. It's funny how we always seem to run to the past whenever we are trying to escape from the present. Whatever you got from your ex, you needed. Point blank. You shouldn't focus on mending something that's been broken long before you realized it. Meaning your marriage. You should now take this time to reevaluate things within yourself. You ran to your ex because you we're missing something. Physical interaction perhaps. A shoulder to lean. Only you and you alone know. You shouldn't really ask a bunch of strangers what to do in your situation. We live in a very judgmental society. The answer lies within you and you alone. Your the one going through this. It's not the end of the world. You can regain your life. The only way to stay in a healthy relationship is growth from any situations as a union. If there's no growth there's no union. Trust in yourself to do the right thing for yourself and your son that's still physically here with you. Only true compassion and compromise between your husband and yourself will tell if this is something that the both of you can work out. But don't I repeat don't forget your child that is still here with you. He'll need a strong foundation now more than ever. Peace and blessings

Answer 6

I'm talking to you straight from the heart. You made a decision to leave and go to your ex house. Now pic this, if your husband had left and went to his ex house for three month what would you do? Now you are begging him to come home so y'all can be a family. You left your family in the worst time of each one of y'all life. You did not lose a son alone. You might felt the worst of them all because you had him and bared the pain. But your husband was part of his life too. You didn't think about your other son and how it had effected him. You didn't think how it effected your husband. The only person you though about was you and your selfish ways. Just remember the whole family lose something. Everybody life was effected in whole thing. So, yes you should sign the divorce paper and give your husband that much respect to let him go. Your trust has been broken. (Just try to start over as friend to see if you can build his trust back).

Answer 7

You stated you were married 8 years. Then you state you ran off with an X boy friend. (for 3 whole months, Come on)
Was that a X boy friend from 8 years ago or a more recent one?
The ole saying and no pun, you made your bed now, you must lay in it.
Turn it a round, what would you have done if your husband had done that to you?
Walking in the door after 3 months and asking forgiveness is a bit much. If He does it will take time.
At a time when your husband really needed you and you needed each other you chose to run away.
Boink-in an ex is not acceptable. and you did not take into account your other children. You not only left your husband, you left your other child when he to needed his mother.
If your husband chooses to leave, may this be a hard lesson learned.

Answer 8

First of all, if you are sorry then get away from the ex. Forgiveness in this situation is asking alot of your husband. You need to understand that he also lost a child to cancer and your son lost a brother. They needed you there for them and you weren't. I'm sure there were things going on in your mind, but running to an ex doesn't make sense. I doubt there will be anything that could save your marriage. Infedelity is hard enough to deal with. Dealing with that knowledge and the death of his son might be too much for him to bare. Please allow your husband time to mourn. If you really want to show him how sorry you are, be there for your son who is still living. He needs you right now. Thank you and may GOD bless.

Answer 9

I don't think you can make him see you are sorry. I just don't think it's fair for you to expect him to understand or forgive at this point.

It's not really about the affair. The death of a child tears most couples apart anyway because each mourn in their own way and become lost in their own grief.

OMG. I just checked your other questions posted about this.
And I'm quoting you:

"I don't believe in getting professional help.What do I do?"

ARE YOU SERIOUS!? You expect to get through this without professional help!? He's going to what, magically snap out of it, tell you how much you resemble June Cleaver, and things will go back to the way they were?

"We had the world at our feet and when my son died I just couldn't cope,it was killing me.I didn't go to the ex for comfort,I went because he lived so far away,away from all the memories."

There are plenty of places to go *other* than an ex-boyfriend. They have things called hostels and hotels and you could sleep in your car or stay with family or camp. People here are right. You really did use it as an excuse to screw around. Honestly. The audacity!

"I don't trust therapists because I've been in therapy before for an eating disorder and he abused his position when treating me."

OMG. There are F-E-M-A-L-E therapists. No excuse. Not buying it. Maybe you're afraid a female therapist might end up having an affair with your husband.

Answer 10

You were exceedingly selfish, and in your grief you have managed to fracture your family possibly terminally.

This situation needs some serious family counselling. Your son doesn'tknow what happened, and he just wants mom.

your husband was probably hurting as much as you were. He feels like you abandoned him, and ran to a past lover. He resents it (rightly).

No matter what you do, take your 8 year old to a baby sitter, his favorite friend, or grandma. You don't want him there because this won't be pretty. Once you start counselling, then you bring him in.

I would ask him to go to counselling, tell him that you love him, after all you married him and hand children with him. But in your grief you ran. Express how sorry you are. And be prepared for a backlash. Your husband couldn't fall apart. He had to be there for your other son. So not only has he lost his baby too, he has lost is wife. That is how he feels. His world is crumbling around him, and your behavior didn't help. It could kill your family.

Tell him you are sorry. express your grief. And then tell him you would like to listen to him, to hear him, to see him. Then SHUT UP. and wait. Men commuicate very differently than women do. You need to give time for him to open up and let it out.

When your son died, he may have been able to grieve, but you ran. so that has probably been bottled up with a lot of resentment.

Ask him to see a counsellor with you, beg if you need to because you need grief counselling.

This is incredibly impotant for your surviving son. If you divorce his whole world has ended. He knows his brother isnt coming back, but to lose mom and dad at the same time will destroy his life.

The people who are calling you names have never had to deal with this issue. You ran to someplace you could feel safe and free.... before you had kids. It is an understandable reaction. I am very disappointed in your EX. His behavior is unconscionable. He took advantage of you in your mental state, and may have killed your family.