HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH? pppsssshhhhttt.....love?

Question

almost at our 1st yr anniversary, and i already can't take much more. he doesnt seem to realy understand who i am. i constantly ask him to just help me around the house, and everytiime he promises to be more helpful, two days later its the same old thing. i was raised in a home where we cleaned the house ceiling to floor, EVERYDAY! he was raised by his always at work father, and stand in moms and girlfriends. we are both in the army, military police, we work long hard hours and both HAVE to contribute, or we will not succeed. i told him i cant do this anymore, and something has to change. he doesnt take me serious and now he wants to have our first kid. he is 27 yrs and i am 20 yrs. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!!! he should be more mature. it has to be the difference in how we were raised....? right? how much more can i do, is this love? marraige? fair? equal? i wasnt raised this way.....i find it odd im acting this way for anyone.

Answer 1

As you said, "you were not raised this way", well he was not raised the way you were. Once you see that he is not behaving the way he does out of the need to displease you, but rather out of habit. When he hears you complain, he does not take you serious because he has been unable to see your point of view because he was not raised to find cleaning the house as a priority. Stop trying to change him, or you will find yourself frustrated when you see he does not change. People who marry without realising the impact our differences from each other can be, find themselves in the same situation you and your husband are in. You both need to come to some compromise and decide if this is worth a divorce. Talk to him about what it is he is willing to do to contribute to household chores. Put up a list for things for him to do. Hope this helps.

Answer 2

Honey, I used to be in the same boat. Except my husband was the one who demanded the house be perfect, but I was the one who had to do it even though I was in grad school and working while he was an undergrad (but older, in the military before school). I finally just made myself stop doing all of it and taking a stand. So I didn't have to hear him complain, I'd just leave the house and start doing more things I enjoy, which he yelled at me for not taking the time to do. So, I started taking more time for me, which meant not doing as much cleaning. He realized that when I stopped doing just a little bit, the house went to hell fast, and he found out exactly how hard I was working all the time basically for him to keep him happy. He realized he was being a total jerk and started helping. Now, on his days off, which are normally weekdays, I come home to a cooked meal and a somewhat clean house. So, my suggestion is get out of the house and leave it to him for a day. You'll have to leave the house or it will drive you crazy, seeing how you were raised. He'll see that without your constant work, the house looks and feels like crap. Plus, I think the way you were raised was a little extreme. I hope that you are not striving for these standards still. If you are, your husband will not be able to please you, because you will not be satisfied with how well he cleans or what products he uses to clean or other cleaning methods. In order for him to contribute to cleaning, you'll have to accept the work he does (which was something I, too, had to adjust too). When you do it all all the time, it gets to be a part of how you see yourself, which is very important. I know when my husband started helping, I felt like I losing control and like I no longer served a purpose in our marriage, because all I was was a maid. Of course now, I'm like, "hell yeah, I'll let you do the dishes. I'll go for a jog." It'll take some adjusting, but it's worth it. Best of luck.

Answer 3

Look you have answered your own question. Each of you have different ways and views of doing things. The best thing you can do first of all is to make sure that you do not get pregnant. You do not even need a child to complicate an already complicated relationship. Then you need to just walk away from this man. It is called seperation. Then after about 6 months after you have moved and your head is really clear, then make an informed decision. The easiest way to tell if it is the correct decision, is listen to one of the greatest gifts that God has given you, you intuition. You will know if it is right to move on or stay. I think I know the answer and I do not think it will take you long to find out the answer either.

Answer 4

My husband is 30 and i still have the problems you are talking about (helping around the house) after 6 years. It takes a long time for a man to mature. You sound like you are a clean freak... me too. You probably love your husband or you wouldn't have married him. A clean house isn't their main priority. Just hang in there. It's not right or fair or equal... never was never will be. It sucks when you both work hard- maybe make a list of things he is responsible for, and you are responsible for. Good Luck!

Answer 5

You probably won't want to hear my answer, but it's the truth as I see it.

You married him knowing that he didn't like to do housework. If it was that big of a deal, you shouldn't have married him in the first place. This situation is your fault, because you thought that you could change him, and now you're upset because you found that you can't. By marrying him, you were agreeing to accept him the way he was, so you either have to live with it and stop nagging him to change, or leave him. Those are your only two choices.

It's no suprise that this happened, because you are much too young to be married, you're only 20, and too immature. A mature woman would have seen the red flags before she got married, and would not have married him, or at least would have lived with him longer before getting married. That's why I wouldn't marry my wife before we lived together for at least 1 year. If you had done that, you would be in a much different situation now.

If you are going to leave him, which is probably the best thing for you to do, please do it before you get pregnant.

Answer 6

Only you can decide if enough is enough. But my opinion is, if you have love, then you have to pick and choose your battles. While household tasks and cleaning are important issues, there are much bigger issues you could have. Decide if it's worth it to end a marriage over household chores. Personally, I'd save thoughts of divorce for issues of fidelity or trust and other more serious things. Remember, no one is perfect, if he loves you where and how it really matters, you might want to see what kind of happy compromise you can come to with this.
Good Luck
xxxooo

Answer 7

All I can say is you are not going to change him, he is who he is. If this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with then you should be able to figure out what to do from there. Just don't expect him to change, ever. Thats not to say compromise doesn't happen etc. But he has compromised and drifted back as you have said, which means thats who he is. He's not wrong , Your not wrong, perhaps though you are wrong together.

Answer 8

Hi! Nothing wrong with having a clean house, but you should nt have to clean the ceilings and walls everyday, however most man expect their wives to clean, cook etc.....all you can do is pray for him and ask God to change him so that he may understand your needs......Jesus loves you

Answer 9

Do you love him? If there is love, there is something...... talk to him.. and wait awhile for your kid.... until you know you are going to stay in this marriage. Tell him! Or just leave him for awhile and see if you will realize......

People don't realize what's going on with a relationship until one decides enough is enough!

Answer 10

Sweetie I would not waste your breathe. Men isn't going to help in the house. And it gets worse when you have kids.