my wife cheated on me with my best friend and others over 4 years of our 8 year marrage, and she says she will get help with her problem now that i know. we have 2 children and i love her and hate what she has done to me .every time i say i need time to be away she freaks out and tries to hurt herself, shes on meds for that now but i still cant go because im afraid of what she will do next time. when we first got together i told her i could forgive anything but cheating because of previous relationshipsi have had, but she did it anyways. PLZ HELP ME !!!!
2007-03-23 01:11:08 · 33 answers · asked by bgrgdrvr33 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She cheated on you for your best friend for half your marriage without you knowing after now. I don't know how you can still trust your wife after this, what done cannot be undone. She should have a taste of how it feels to be left alone, and I advise that you leave her, only if you two haven't have kids yet.
2007-03-23 01:16:29 · answer #1 · answered by Soaring 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
She obviously has some serious issues. She had these when you met her, and you either didn't spend much time together before marriage, or you ignored them, or noticed them but decided you could live with them.
She sounds as though she has a personality disorder, on top of some sort of mental illness. Drugs will help with the mental illness, but, brother, she's always going to have the personality disorder. If I had to guess, I would think her PD was histrionic. This type PD is usually someone that craves attention and will do almost anything to get it (loud laugh, flamboyant clothes, etc.). Does she want to be attractive for every man, want to turn every man's head? Do you often wonder who she's doing all this for (even when there's no one with which to cheat)?
She also sounds dependent. She sort of becomes who she's with. She's holding you hostage emotionally - not a very fair game.
This is a mess. I'm sorry you're in it. I think she needs to go stay with her mom for a while. She needs individual therapy, and the two of you need to start seeing the same therapist for marriage counseling. Your marriage could be saved, but she has to stop this activity. That's going to happen with intensive therapy and with someone that will keep her accountable (not you, but some objective person who you both trust and that will get in her life and make her report her every move).
She's sick, dude. It's noble of you for hanging in there. I think you could try one more time, but if the above stuff doesn't work - nothing will. If you try it and she can't be faithful then she's a lost cause and you should get as far away as possible. If you should have to split, make sure the kids are okay. She doesn't sound very stable, and that's a scary thought when you involve children.
2007-03-23 01:34:56 · answer #2 · answered by Dino 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I just want to say how sorry I am to hear about your wife. You are a caring and loyal husband.
Go see a psychiatrist IMMEDIATELY - not her YOU! You need some really good advice with someone who is up to speed on the harm she is causing to herself.
She should not be in the care of children and it is NOT your responsibility to stay with a cheating - manipulative - selfish - excuse for a wife and mother.
Your friend is a pathetic excuse for human being. Stop sharing your day to day struggles and feelings with him or any others. (That is the great thing about doctors. They are bound to keep your information confidential, and if one doesn't click with you - fire them and get another.)
You will be happier if you leave - I know you feel like you "HAVE" to stay and "CAN'T" leave her. What you have to hear is that you CAN'T help her. If you could you would have already changed her. Her psychological problems are best treated by a professional.
It is easy to write: take your kids and run, but a you will feel SO MUCH BETTER if you talk to someone because they might help you stay - or help you LEAVE - at the right time and in the safest way for everyone involved.
DoNOT wait - pick up the phone and call NOW. Her mental condition is serious. AS a result of dealing with her insanity - your might be as well.
2007-03-23 01:53:30 · answer #3 · answered by Shelle 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't stay with her, you will just resent her for the rest of your marriage if you do. I'm glad she's on medication, but it seems also like she's using this as an excuse for making you stay. You are the good guy and she wants to punish you if you leave her, even though she's hurt you very much. Just tell her, you're sorry but you need some time away, and she should go stay with a girlfriend or family member while you're gone. You should take your kids or have them stay with someone you trust, and I personally wouldn't tell her where the kids are, in case she has any ideas about hurting them, you never really know. If she's going to play the suicide card, you've got to be prepared. Do it for you, for your children, they don't need a mother like that. Oh and of course she says she's going to get "help" now that you know about her cheating. Nice. Sorry for your unfortunate luck.
2007-03-23 01:25:14 · answer #4 · answered by LD2007 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, A topic close to my heart. I know that I could not forgive the sleeping with my best friend for half my marriage part. It seems that she has deeper personal issues to address with the suicidal tendencies plus she is so codependent she can't let you have a break. That is exactly what you both need right now. A break, and some counselling. I suggest getting into counselling tomorrow if you want any hope of reconciliation. You are going to have to see if you can find some forgiveness (Big Task in and of itself) and she is going to need to address the codependency, suicidal tendencies and sexual promiscuity. The kids are also a consideration. Sorry you are in such a crummy spot. Look at it this way... if you take action, just about any action at this point, it will only get better. Being frozen with indecision/fear/confusion is enabling her behaviour to continue and putting your life, needs, desires on hold.
2007-03-23 01:29:59 · answer #5 · answered by findingselflove 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How can you love her after what she has done??
She isn't going to really hurt herself she uses that to control you.
I knew someone like her before, did the same thing.
It doesn't get better, and I don't think Dr. Phil can even help you. I bet he would say take the children and move on to better things.
Is she a good mother? Who was watching the kids while this was going on? Since you didn't give details on the situation with your children, stop and think about how it, or has it affected them. If they are too young to know that Mommy has boyfriends on the side, that's good but eventually they will get involved and know what's up. How will you feel about that?
Your wife cheats on you because she can!
2007-03-23 01:54:41 · answer #6 · answered by CAT LADY LOO 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Trust is everything in a marriage without trust you have nothing..I don't know how you could possibly trust her after she cheated on you through 1/2 your marriage.She obviously has no respect for you or for herself let alone your children.The fact that she has mental issues is not your fault.If she has tried to hurt herself that is all the more reason for you to take your children and leave her.Your children deserve to be raised in a loving healthy environment and obviously you cannot provide that by staying with your wife.You need to stop taking the blame and feeling guilty for your wifes actions if she is going to hurt herself you are not to blame..You will never beable to forgive her for the cheating so all you are doing by staying with her is trying to put a band-aid on a gashing wound..I suggest you take your children and leave it will be the best thing for all of you and maybe your wife can be put into a hospital for her depression..Good Luck to you..Stay strong your children need one stable parent..
2007-03-23 01:42:45 · answer #7 · answered by Maureen B 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, that person is not your best friend..dump them. Your wife is emotionally blackmailing you. Do not accept responsisbility for her well being. She is unstable and you cannot control or cure her. She knows she has you by the short hairs. She is self centered, unfaithful, unkind and not a good wife or mother. You need to go to counseling and talk to someone to work out these issues. Life is about choices, living with your decisions and learning how to let go and move on. People make mistakes. There is an old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." Start thinking about yourself. The best thing you can do for your children is give them a normal father...you cannot make your wife be a good wife or mother. Also, see an attorney and seek custody of your children. Your wife's mental state may help you get them.
2007-03-23 01:44:21 · answer #8 · answered by curious74432 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What's your address friend? Perhaps I can *** over when your not home and see if I could talk some sense into your wife. ;-).
You must be red headed and the runt of the step children with self esteem like this. Forget your wife for a moment...dude, you need some help! You need to check into a rehab or get some emergency psychological help right away, because it sounds like you were pretty beat down before you even married this ho, but now after being with her for 8 years, it sounds like she has just taken any shred of dignity you had left.
Good Luck brotha!
2007-03-23 01:46:39 · answer #9 · answered by huckleberry1 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well sounds like there are several issues she needs to work on. Glad the medicine is helping her with trying to hurt herself.
1. You have to decide if her infidility is a deal breaker for you or can you honestly get over it.
2. She has to understand how her infidility has hurt you.
3. If you seek counseling and can honestly say you forgive -- then you can't throw that up in her face everytime something goes wrong.
4. Bottomline, you have to do what's right for you and your children. I'd suggest not staying "for the children" (IF) she isn't going to change.
2007-03-23 01:18:17 · answer #10 · answered by JusMe 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
my hubbys x-wife did the same thing, and he stayed with her for SEVENTEEN YEARS because he was afraid she would hurt herself. She was like a black hole that drained him of all his emotional energy and life, each and every day. She would threaten to kill herself if he left for work, or wanted to work overtime. He lost all that time of his life and nearly lost his own mind.
You need to take charge. Sit her down, and read her the riot act. Tell her things are gonna change starting today. You are the one who calls the shots, and its your way or the highway for her.
Call the doctor who prescribes her meds; make sure he knows she threatens suicide;
in fact, every single time she does that, make sure you have the doctor make a note of it in her record, so that if the time came when you need to get out of the relationship, you will be easily able to take the kids with you, which will assure their safety in the future, which is paramount.
The doctor will refer you to special counciling and you demand that she attend each and every session. No ifs, ands, or buts. This is very serious because there are children involved, and if you just dump her, what about the kids? Will they have man after man in their house, or the possiblility that mom will attempt suicide? This is not an option. Don't tell your wife any of this, but
behind the scenes, make sure its documented that she can be a risk as far as being a single parent, so that you will get those children.
Try the counciling; they will help to work thru this with you both, and you will be able to get out and get the break you need from the whole deal. Do you have a close relative that could maybe visit and hang out with your wife, so you could get away? You could arrange it with the relative ahead of time, and then you'll know theres somebody at the house so the kids are safe, etc.
You need to do whatever you can to make sure you keep your head together and that you make the right moves with regard to the kids. I know you love your wife, but what if things don't work out all peachy like you hope? Then what? Well, you better have your legal ducks in a row so that you can take the kids with you, and I am dead serious. Don't allow this situation to make the next twenty years of you and the kids lives a misery. If your kids see you stand up and take control over the household, they will feel so much better, because whether you realize it or not, they know whats going on, unless they are infants. You are the Captain of the ship, now act like it.
Take control, in love and with respect, of course, but stand for not one incident of nonsense from her. I truly think she's playing you with the "i'll hurt myself" routine, because she knows it will work on you, but you can't really take any chances with the kids involved. But now you are the boss:
So you tell her that (if you need to go out) that if she cannot be trusted alone, you will have to provide a sitter for her. If she insists on acting like a child, she will be treated like a child. No nonsense, not anymore. Call her doctor and have a private conversation with him and then make sure you follow up with counciling, which I am sure he will refer you to, at once.
Do it at once. Remember: you are the boss. Act like the boss.
2007-03-23 02:30:44 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋