Is it a good idea?

Question

When I was 15, I was raped by my boyfriend at the time. It was really traumatic and i've been living in hell for the last 2 and a half years.

I had and still have to see him once a week.

After almost 12months I said to him (My counsellors idea) i just want to put the past behind us, what's happened has happened. etc. He said that he agree and he was sorry for hurting me.

I talked to him occasionally after that.

I just want to know if you think that was a good idea for me to forgive him? It did make me feel better after I said that, it felt like I didn't have any more hate and anger anymore.

He's now moved on and has a girlfriend, who I know. But lately he's been txting me say he no longer has feelings for her, but he has feelings for me. I told him I wasn't prepared to go back there with him. But he wont listen! What do I do?

Please help!

I DO NOT STILL HAVE FEELINGS TOWARDS HIM.

I'm wanting help of how to inform him, for the 5th??? time that I am not interested.

I love someone else. He would never hurt me and he's lovely and caring

Answer 1

I always believe that if I was hurt the first time, it is not my fault. Betray by friend. Cheated by a shop. But if I am hurt by the same person, then it is my fault because I did not learn the lesson the first time. Mother Nature (in its cruelest way) will teach everyone on Earth the lesson until he/she has learn his/her lesson.

Your boyfriend can hurt you once. Forgive him and move on. Do not be with him again. If he has not changed a bit, then Mother Nature will teach you the same lesson again. Just like a lady was raped when walking through a dark lane alone, she will be raped again if she still insist of taking short cuts though dark lanes.

No one can force you to be with him unless you agree. Just threaten to report him to the police if he play punk.

Time is the best medicine for all mental wounds. However NLP has a method to heal instantly.
1) Sit comfortably on a chair
2) Close you eyes and mentally go through the traumatic event again. Just once.
3) Now change your traumatic event to black and white and view it from a third party.
Viewing from a third party means you are seeing yourself from a black and white movie screen.
4) Imagine you got a remote control and rewind the whole movie backwards. You will see everything going backwards faster and in black and white. Repeat the rewinding for 10 times.
5) Go to step 2 again and see if you have any feeling watching the event again. If yes, repeat step 3 and 4 until you don't feel a thing.

I always do this when scolded by my boss. It helps.

Answer 2

It was a very good idea to forgive him and move on. When you feel hate and resentment, it only hurts you, not the one you hate and resent.
You are just going to have to be very strong and tell him that while you can talk to him and be social, that you do not have any feelings for him and are not interested in him.
Some men just can not take no for an answer. You have to hit them in the face with it, unfortunately. I have had to be outright rude and hateful. Then they act like a whipped pup.
Men.
Tell him that he doesn't even really know you, that he is only interested because he can't have you and he is only responding to the testosterone impulses of the challenge of the hunt.
Many men only want what they can't have. Once they get it, they don't want it anymore.
Stick to your guns. And if he should become a real nuisance, or scare you or make you feel threatened, then report him to the police. He raped you once, so protect yourself.

Answer 3

Forgiveness is always a good thing. By forgiving him, he or the incident no longer have control over you or your emotions. Don't allow him to get back into your life. It has taken you 2 1/2 years to get to this point where you are finally coming to terms with everything. Just remember that you are in control of this situation. Don't respond to his text messages and don't go there with him in conversation. He is part of your past....keep him there. It's time for you to concentrate on taking care of you for a while now. Some people mistake kindness for weakness and that is wrong. Just because you forgave him doesn't mean that you've forgotten what he did to you. Take care of yourself!

Answer 4

although you were raped by him, could it be that you still have feelings for him? it is good to forgive, it eases the pain and helps you to move on, which is what you should do. he has no place in your life because it will be a constant thorn in your flesh. if you are really serious about not being "prepared to go back there with him", you need to tell him that just because you forgave him didn' give him license to pursue you. inform him that you are off limits to him and that if he were truly sorry for hurting you, he would leave you alone and move on with his life so that you can move on with yours. does you counsellor know that you are in such close contact w/him [text messaging]. talk it over with your counsellor. good luck.

Answer 5

You have solved one part of the past trauma of your life: you have forgiven and freed yourself from an emotional burden that would weigh you down much more than him.
Now you have another challenge, and this is one of 'boundary-setting'.
He already learned that by forcing his will upon you on a previous occasion, he could by-pass your words of 'no'.
Now, you need to lend more power to your words by backing them with actions.
First, know that his happiness has nothing do to with you, and that your happiness has nothing to do with his. You are ONE person, he is another.
From there, decide what you DO want to do, and since that does not include him, tell him not only that you're not 'prepared' to go back with him, but tell him FIRMLY that you don't want him flirting with you.
Forgiveness is one thing. Enabling another incident of the same nature is another.
He WILL listen if you stop answering his texting or block him as a contact. Be prepared to back up your beliefs and feelings with action.

Answer 6

i went through the same thing hunny when i was 15 from my boyfriend however i don not see him anymore he fled to another part of the country.i just wanted to say that he is obviously a complete bastard who has no intentions of wanting to have a serious relationship, the way he is acting around you shows he is not remorsful for what he did! and he obviously does not want a women for a relationship just sex, stay away dont talk to him dont even look at him delete his number and change yours!! just completly ignore him, he doesnt care about you otherwise he wouldnt of raped you. my boyfriend was my first i had only kissed him i was a virgin, and he was very sexually active he told me he started having sex from the age of 11 and had had other 20 partners when i would not give him what he wanted he raped me. and then fled, he has called me since to apolagise but when i started crying and screaming he laughed down the phone at me. anyone that can do that to some one does not deserve forgivness. i changed my number and now i have started to get other it, i have a new man who i have been with for 5 yrs and he has helped me get through it, and i am happy there is light at the end of the tunnel. please stay away from this monster, i dont understand why you would of wanted to talk to him in the first place but things happen, but he doe not deserve your time and especially should ot be asking for you back. if you still speak to him its not allowing you to get other what happend to you, which you need to do. i could of never got other it if i had to see him everyday! speak to your friends your family get their support! if you need to chat email me! good luck sweetie keep your head high. remeber it was not your fault, dont let this monster tear you down!

Answer 7

You were right to forgive him- but you need to move on-n if he is with someone else and he is unfaithful then that shows his nature- he'll do the same to you- besides his raping you shows his weak character- you dont want to be with someone who doesnt respect you- there are lots of awesome guys out there who will carry you on thier hands- you need make a clean break with him otherwise he is going to try his best to manipulate and intimidate you

Answer 8

Hi,
This was the good idea for you to forgive him as your were loving here that is the this made you feel better .
He was not loving you that time it was physical attraction only
He is not suitable for you forget and look for some good friend who can under stand your feelings.

Enjoy Life

Answer 9

it didn't work out with her so he thinks you are available.
you need to decide if the time is right for you to move on with your own life.
you can shut him out .. and that will make both of you have a fresh start
or you can let him run back to you every time he needs someone to lean on.
you have resolved the rape. have you resolved the emotional attachment that you have toward him??

Answer 10

Yo B, that fool gonna rape you again if you dont do something. Hes just trying to get back in your pants and if he raped you once, he'll do it again. Hell, you forgave him last time, probably do it again. I suggest you tell him not to talk to you anymore and carry around mace or somthing.