My wife and I got married 14 years ago. I was working as a marine biologist and wasn't making much money. I had to have help from my parents at first just to make the rent. I decided to try something different and we moved so I could go to engineering school. I moved her away from her family. We had a child and moved again, another child and moved again, and moved again always trying to get a better job and do better for my family. However, in all of this moving and trying to make bigger bucks and chasing rainbows, I didn't take into account the emotional damage I was doing by keeping her away from her mother and sisters. I continually looked for a job near them but was unsuccessful. We started having money problems about 5 years ago even though I was making pretty good money. I found out that we didn't have money because she was spending it all on "substance abuse" - and later alcohol to dull her pain... Her family moved to our town after Katrina. Now she is hating me...
2007-03-22 17:44:25 · 10 answers · asked by j_mang 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She stopped abusing substances and starting abusing alcohol without my knowledge about a year ago. I didn't know because I work 14 hours a day 6 days a week trying to do the right thing by my family. She exploded in a drunken rage and told me she wanted a separation and out of this marriage. Even though the root problem of being away from her family is gone, the pain seems to still be fresh. I've made her a doctor appt and given her a counselor to call. I think this all stems from untreated post partum depression about 5 years ago. I just don't know what to do. I can't even describe how much I love this woman and don't want to lose her. I feel pretty sure that she has not ever cheated and don't believe this is the issue. She is just hating me now and won't talk about anything. She is blaming me for all her problems and is unapproachable. I am trying to give her time to work things out but am so miserable. I quit my second job and took over our finances. Anyone been through
2007-03-22 17:49:40 · update #1
Has anyone ever had a spouse just flip out on you - after the fact? Resentment built up from the past? Could this stem from clinical depression? Has anyone ever been through anything like this and what did you do? All I can do right now is just give her time and space to decide what she wants to do. Our 2 beautiful smart kids are involved, so a divorce is the last option. I need a little advice. No she is not cheating and I never have either. Her anger is overwhelming, though, it is like I cheated on her with 1000 women... I don't feel like I deserve this. I moved us around the country so that we could do better financially and I did not see the other damage I was doing. She is not very communicative and is very independent - or at least puts up a good front and likes to believe she is independent.
sorry so long. really need someone that has experience with anger/depression chemical imbalance.
I just want my wife back and don't want to lose my family.
2007-03-22 17:54:29 · update #2
thanks to all - you all helped me...
2007-03-22 17:57:15 · update #3
shes not depressed. shes an addict. shes using your marriage as an excuse. you didnt keep her away from her family. didnt she have a phone. write a letter. no let me do drugs and blame my rotten choices on you. the man who provided for me for 14 years. give me a break. you go to therapy. accept the facts. then decide what to do. but do yourself a favor. dont take the blame for her actions. only the actions that you have done.
2007-03-22 17:52:35 · answer #1 · answered by zsaffireblue2003 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
This is rough but she never said anything too you about moving all the time? It is normal for some distance when work is a priority and helping raise a family. Maybe you should tell her if she wasn't wasting all your hard earned money on these substances she could have bought a plane ticket to visit them. It's not your fault you were just trying to make a better life for you and your family. Look into therapy as a couple and maybe she needs to hear this from a professional. Job's are always up and down and of course sometimes you must travel great distances to get a better one
but it doesn't sound like at anytime you forbid her to visit them
crap bus tickets are cheap and well talking on the phone is pretty cheap now too. It sounds to me like she is blaming you for her not acheiving some of her goals in life maybe.
Counselling, Therapy, AA and maybe even an intervention since family is close by now?
She is crying out to you for help give your support!!!!!!!!!!
Hang in there God Bless and Best Wishes.
2007-03-22 17:54:21 · answer #2 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you both need counseling bad. I understand the problem and she's got herself into a catch 22 situation. She's going to need drying out before you try anything. Your life as you know it for now has come to an end until she wants to get help. She'll keep dragging you down.
I find it hard to believe you didn't see this in her. You say you just found out she into substance abuse, where have you been all this time? it's time to stop, both of you and take change of your lives and get the help you need before it's to late, if it isn't already.
2007-03-22 17:53:03 · answer #3 · answered by cowboydoc 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The root of the problem is drugs. Alcohol is a drug.
Do for your kids, she needs to help herself.
I did the same thing. I ended up single father with full custody of children.
Just focus on the kids, and pay the bills dude why you giving her the money. Shes sick right now. Take care of the family bussiness right now or I promise you it will get worse.
2007-03-22 17:56:41 · answer #4 · answered by sapboi 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
she could be depressed, my hubby neglected me emotionally too over his job and i ended up on anti depressants before he finally got the picture, once he realized what it had done to me he turned things around, now he makes sure he lets the world know that his wife is all that and a bag of chips, he will sit next to me on the couch and hold my hand and ask me about my day and etc. give her some attention she starving for it, do something before its too late
2007-03-22 17:50:40 · answer #5 · answered by Sparky 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
....she doesn't hate you, per say...my guess is that she feels tremendously guilty and hates what she's doing...so projects this hate on to you.....since there are children involved...it's gonna be hard...but she needs rehab and needs it quick.....I tried for years to get my late husband into AA or some form of alcohol treatment....he would never go...I loved him and stayed with him because there were many years of great joy with him before the alcohol took him over...I stayed till he took his last breath and was free from alcohol forever....do anything you can to get between your wife and her substance abuse....and do it now before it's too late
2007-03-22 17:58:50 · answer #6 · answered by EvelynMine 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You dont have to wait till the ship sinks to try to save yourself. She has prpblems you can not fix, if a separation does not bring her to her senses, you got to get out. It takes radical actions to fix problems like this. Or, just deal with it, good luck I already know where its heading, wanna look into my crystal ball, IT's NOWHERE.
2007-03-22 17:52:59 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sound like a drug addict and depression too... go to counselors with her... even if you decide to separate...
Good Luck!
2007-03-22 18:15:47 · answer #8 · answered by BitterSweet 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
depression???? it sounds like she is an addict
2007-03-22 17:48:12 · answer #9 · answered by abc 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
dump the loser
2007-03-22 17:58:08 · answer #10 · answered by CPPP0 1 · 0⤊ 3⤋