ex seeing our son,what do i do?

Question

I`ll try cut the long story short to spare you all anyway,my ex of 6 years walked out on me and our son for the 2nd time just after new year,we`d been back together for only 5 months.

Our son is 4 and has learning difficulties and last time his daddy left he was really upset and hated being at home.So this time i told my ex he`d have to wait a while to i get my son settled down again before contacting.

My son still obviously remebers his dad but cant speak to ask questions about where he is so i have to tell him that he lives in a new house etc when he points to my ex`s chair and stuff.I told his dad that he could maybe come see him and he asked if next friday was ok.I said i`d get back to him,my family don`t think it`s the right thing to do and think i should get him settled at school first.My ex`s family haven`t been in touch since he didn`t get any contact,i just don`t know what is for the best,i want to protect my son and not cause him undue stress.

The last time he left us he didn`t really visit much and was drinking and taking drugs,he said he`ll do it differently this time but i dont know if i can trust him as he`s let me down badly in the past alot,advice appreciated,thanx.

lol,sorry didn`t quite manage to cut it short enough!!

Answer 1

all children fare better when both parents are present. I would keep my eyes wide open for the first sign of trouble but i would let him see his dad right from the word go, many parents see theiir child upset after a visit and think its because of the visit and makes the child miss them more... i cannot strss how untrue this is. your son will miss his dad anyway, and will point to his chair etc but it will settle him more to have a regular visit with him. its when a child thinks the dad has disapeared that they get more stressed, even your child with his disabilities will have formed an attachment to his dad, and i would say probably more so in your childs case he needs the stability of regular visits as he cannot understand whats happening, they soon get used to new situation and settle in school etc. when and if your ex starts messing about not turning up etc then i would stop the visits but i think you need to take the chance, sometimes although well meaning family can put lots of pressure on you to do as they think right but they are not always right. good luck to you, i know how difficult these situations are.

Answer 2

I think it is a good idea to be cautious about trusting your ex again especially after he left a second time after so short a time... you also said he walked out on the both of you, which is very upsetting to a child, especially one with special needs.

Yes your son does remember his dad and probably misses him, but it is very difficult for him to process, let alone express. Having a father walk in and out of your son's life is not health emotionally for your son, and you are stuck with the aftermath of putting your son back together again... not fair to either one of you.

Some ground rules should be set and agreed to before visits start between dad and son. "Different this time" means getting clean and sober, entering a program, completing it, and showing you the certificate of completion. Having a drug abusing, inconsistent father come and go as he pleases will definately cause your son unnecessary stress and heartache.

Next, you need to be sure that he is committedd to being consistent with your son, so when you both decide on a visit, make in a public place, so as not to send the message that dad is coming back to live with you and your son again. You and your ex have some work ahead of you to see if you are a couple that can stay together, not something to rush, and that is a separate, but and important thing to resolve before visits begin again.

I know how painful and confusing this situation is, and you are being a good mom by trying to protect you boy from more hurt and abandonment truama. Be stong and trust your gut instincts and stay firm about the conditions you set about how and when dad enters the scene again.

Answer 3

As the above said , arrange some visitation, but dont get your son hopes up that daddy is coming , until you know for sure he is down the street and or pulling in the yard. This way he wont get hurt again. His dad is trying but you need to put your foot down and let him know that if he does a repeat of what he did last time then this is his LAST TIME, no ifs ands or buts about it .
Make it clear to him that this is very important not only too you and him but to yall child most of all and its not fair to hurt him cause of his selfish needs

Answer 4

I totally understand your concerns but you have to put your son first.I would let your ex visit but make him understand that he has to do it in your home with your supervision at first,maybe you could get someone to be there with you , grandparent,mutual friend, etc.Tell your ex that the slightest hint of drugs about him and you will get in touch with a lawyer .Basically your ex split from you NOT your son,your son needs his dad.But your ex needs to act responsibly about this as it's important that neither of you gives the kid signals that he has to choose here. My ex and I have a son with learning difficulties and causing him the least upset was probably what kept our split more civilised than it otherwise would have been. Now the only thing we have in common is that we both love our son unconditionally and we make sure he knows it.

Answer 5

The worst thing you can do is keep a child from a parent. I think it would be good to let your son see his father, on the condition that he becomes a constant role in his sons life, He can't come every time he feels like it. it needs to be on a regular basis, your son should not have to ask for his father cause he should just be there no matter what happens between you guys. So i would say to the father, if your willing to be there all the time then you can see him, but if not ,please don't start.

Answer 6

I think you let your ex off the hook and created a new problem when you told him he's have to wait while YOU settled YOUR son.

You do, however, hold the reins, thank heaven. I think your decision needs to be based upon how sincere and knowedgable your ex is about how each option affects your son, or if he even has concept of the need to put his son's welfare first.

You also need to address the in and out issue before you and your husband start to accept it as normal.


Best of luck

Answer 7

Could this be more of a issue you have with the ex than about visits with his son? At times we don't think we're doing it for the wrong reasons, but pull deep inside your heart and when you do that and still come up with it is better for your son then do what you have to do.

Answer 8

My daughters father is a looser but still i allow him to come to the house on the grounds he is sober, polite and shows support to our family system. He hardly visits but i always make him welcome when he does as i think its my daughters right to see him no matter what and her safety is not compromised as it is supervised access. My daughter knows him but only recently has started calling him daddy (she 3) and i explain to her that both mummy and daddy love her to pieces even tho he doesnt seem to at all i still tell her he does as it isnt good to show negative behaviour toward the other parent. I think you should let the dad see the kid as the child is both of yours, the child has a right to see the both parents and denying access can only result in possible court appearances and bitterness something i deffo dont want my daughter to see so for her sake she sees her mummy and daddy together, we go shopping toghether when he does come and we talk and laugh and play with her togehter and yet we have both moved on with different partners but luckily both our partens understand that our lil girl comes first no matter what.....

Answer 9

I feel for you hun...but hey you got to buckle up and ask yourself, whats best for my son? I know you probably love and actually miss your Ex, some..right? Thats why you are not sure whether or not to let him come see his son, but look- he has walked out on yall twice. He does drugs? alchohol? Girl you need to give him sometime. I would definitely wait before I let him in again, he has hurt you and your son, it has got to stop somewhere. Tell him that you are not taking his son away, but you feel its the best thing for the 3 of you, that he cleans his act first before coming back home....also for him to decide whether he wants to stay with you forever...i.e. not walk out on you again- EVER. You have got to be tough and do this for your son! He needs a good father role model, not some joke!

Answer 10

My 2 year old waited on a daily basis for 2 weeks for his dad to come again abode while he left me. I had to break his coronary heart each night and tell him he wasnt coming back. His Father now chooses to no longer see him or his brother, because of the fact i made myself extremely sparkling that if he might pass to them he might gain this on a favourite foundation. It would desire to be much greater durable for you that your son has problems yet your correct, they comprehend while some thing is incorrect. each baby no rely what the placement desires recurring and stability. I cant inform you what to do yet as his mom you will make the splendid determination on your son. you comprehend what works and what doesnt. As for only the two one in each of you, its no longer hassle-free artwork yet take him out on a daily basis save his concepts off what is going on, they do no longer ignore straight away yet childrens are certainly distracted!!(I certainly have become a expert at this) save reminding your son that his mum is there and that she is unlikely everywhere. My sons frustration became concern that i became going to leave. Thats the only suggestion i gives you. Take care x