opinions please ..?

Question

I~problem! My husband and I are wonderful together. We have our squabbles, but nothing huge. He's a wonderful man. We've been married 3 years, together 6, and known each other 12. I am still majorly in love, with my first love - who obviously is not my husband. We talk, all the time. My husband and I have talked about him, and about my regrets, but he doesn't know it all. My first love and I are both married. I, happily married, he, unhappily. We both are still in total mad chaotic love with each other. Every reason we had broken up, was immature, stupid, and teenage. Then, i started dating the man who is now my husband. I don't know what to do here. My heart and mind are divided into two. I have tried not talking to him, cutting off all ties, but I keep going back. Not only that, but he and my husband get along famously, and are buds. I would never cheat on my husband and I don't believe in ruining a good marriage, over another person. We've both tried to move on, but find each other.

Answer 1

Wow, that sucks.

But take heart in the fact that life never promised anyone a fairy-tale story. Far from it for some of us.

Big picture? I see this clearly as a test. You could focus on your own needs, desires, wishes (which is mainstream religion: "Worship Thyself") or you could work on the marriage you are in. Remember your vows to each other. Stay true to your husband. We are all called to a greater purpose than just the "Here-and-now-this-is-what-I-want"

We're all tempted at some point.

Will you overcome this one?

Answer 2

This is truly a unique situation as all of the problem is with the divorce of the first marriage. It seems to me that you want your first husband but are so deeply rooted in the committment to your second husband and vow not to cheat, I have to tell you, is an anomoly. If that is true, on both of my knees, I worship that type of committment and cannot find it anywhere. I do not doubt it I just cannot find working examples because everyone has a reason or excuse as to why they are not committed to their partner. At any rate, my opinion is that you are in a place in life that caters to your unhappiness. Being happy is or should be in the top 5 of all lifes goals. Now seems that everything works and bliss is that everyone is happy but you. Even if this scenario is not factual I have to admit it is possible and if you are willing to maintain your current marriage and endure what you feel for their happiness stay where you are. My honest opinion is since there is no mention of children, I am going to assume that the only consequences would be a division of assets and debts that stand in the way of you being truly happy. The degree of difficulty in making that change is minimal. The distress is inside you. Will that regret of being around your true love affect anything else in your life or you? Over a period of time if the regret is allowed to remain as it is and it is not dealt with might be a cause for something else. If you are not going to move and hang on to the present then seek help to eliminate that which keeps your heart and mind from balance.

Answer 3

I agree that your marraige cant completely be happy. Look you said yourself that you cant tell your partner everything. Perhaps this is a case of the grass is greener on the other side. I married my high school sweetheart bec we always seemed to fall back together. HOwever now going through a separation, i relaised those thoughts that we could get over stupid teenage things that caused us to break up, have actually manefested into something else with age, something much wrose. But becasue i was blinded by memories of special sweet times I didn't see it. I think regardless that your first love is always special to you, you cant ever forget them. But to throw away a realtionship becasue of the past is silly. You know what they say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and if that bird in your hand isn't biting or shitting on you then why let it go?

Maybe you can go on a holiday with your partner and force some separation between you and your ex and at the same time do a bit more bonding with your actual husband. Dont let the fact that this guy is unhappily married affect a marriage that as you say is happy. As I said we all will love our first love, and would never want them hurting like this guys sounds to be, but be careful not to confuse pity with wanted to be with him.

Good Luck.

Answer 4

Well, youve answered your own question....you would never cheat on your husband and you dont believe in ruining a good marriage over another person. So, the only thing left, is to cut ties with your old boyfriend and mean it this time. If you dont do that, you may just end up getting into a situation that will eventually ruin your marriage.

It must be hard for you to have these feelings, but still love your husband and consider it a good marriage. How did you cope with loving your ex-boyrfriend when you were with your husband? How did you forget the love of your ex-boyfriend when you married your husband? You must have been happy to marry your husband in the first place....so you really have to find the feelings you have for your husband and put the "old" feelings into the back of your mind. Try not to concentrate on your "old" feelings as much. You do have to cut ties with this guy if you are going to remain sane. Maybe to help you put this into perspective and give you something else to think about, you can think of ways to lavish love and attention onto your husband....maybe organise a trip away with your husband to distance yourself from this other guy. If you sincerely want your marriage to survive then you have to cut ties....it's hard saying good-bye to the past, but if you want your future to be healthy and happy, then its something you HAVE to do.

I wish you the best.

Answer 5

You only find him cause you want to find him and vice versa. As you are making excuses for why yall broken up as if you are thinking about being back with him. If you are so involved (emotionally) with this man then why are you still with your husband, and only giving him maybe 50 percent of your emotions
You have a good husband who has been there for you and never treated you wrong and you are over there acting like a love sick school girl over someone you were with when you were a teenage. Just cause yall are talking doesnt mean that its meant for yall to reconnect. The past is just that , leave it there, cause you dont want to end up doing something that you will regret in the end

Answer 6

You have no business being married. Simple as that. There is no way to build a strong and solid marriage as long as you're in love with somebody else. I would take a HUGE step back by visiting a friend or getting some time away to sort things out in your head. I just pray that you haven't brought any children into the world with a man that it sounds like you're destine to divorce over your love for somebody else. Why did you get married in the first place if you were still in love with this other guy???

Answer 7

First loves will always hold a special place in your heart, but open your eyes to the fact he is not your husband, another has wanted you more than he...to the point he has married you...day dreaming how it could be is one thing, and very seldom the same in reality...Your first love had his chance and didn't care enough to be your husband now, but he did care enough to make another his wife...Don't be cheating you and your husband out of a happy ever after by thinking your first love is the real prince charming.

Answer 8

First, you ARE cheating on your husband, even if you never sleep with your friend. You apparently are enjoying spending time with hubby and your mental lover. After all, if you didn't like hanging around with him, as a couple, hubby never would have met him. I find that rather sick, because my ex did that to me. Just dump your husband. You're going to eventually, and he'll have to live with the knowledge that you and lover boy were exchanging yearning glances, and pining for each other, while he was thinking you loved him. Don't drag it out, so he can have even more memories of betrayal. By the way, you DO know the right thing to do. You're just looking to justify what you want to do.

Answer 9

I think that if you love and respect your husband then you should quit talking to this other man. How would you feel if it were the other way around and it was your husband still in "mad chaotic love" with his ex girlfriend and wishing he was still with her?

Answer 10

I think you already answered your own question. I think it may be a little easier on your heart if you limit your contact with your first love. Kinda taper it off. That way you can give your marriage all of the attention that it deserves. I hope that your conflicting feelings are sorted out for you soon. Good luck