Request for NO CONTACT with the OP - Good or Bad?

Question

So, it is a long complicated somewhat heartbreaking story, but I am at a point with my wife where infidelity has now been discovered, we are doing a "Healing Seperation" - I am paying for her apartment at least for the first couple of months whle she gets a job and some space to focus on working out some of the personal issues that our mairrage counselor has said she needs to address before we will be able to work together to heal. (Childhood issues - stress, trauma, post traumatic stress disorder) One of the boundaries and requests that I have made is that there is no contact with the OP, who lives clear across the country. It is my feeling and the counselors that involving other men in this mess is totally counterproductive to her healing herself and to our marraige. She has agreed, but has admitted to calling him twice now. I am wondering, 1-how to respond to that if this is reasonable OR 2- should I have requested this or just let her do whatever while financing this.

Yes, there are four children involved, which complicates things further, also, we have been married for 7 years.

Answer 1

While it is good to get different points of view and different advice from others, only the two of you know what is the right thing to do -- it is what feels right for you and what feels right for her. While I agree that there needs to be boundaries, I believe that boundaries are different for every individual. If your wife was posting this question and stating that she was cheating on you but also loved you, here is what I would tell her:

Cheating does not have anything to do with whether you love a person. Cheating is however an act of deception, when you are doing something against what the two of you agreed. Aside from the cheating aspect of what you are doing, if you are being left alone and are lonely, it is natural for you to befriend someone in this way. (I don't know whether you and your wife have this separation issue I left it in here since it applies to so many of us and our busy careers.) However, since the two of you, meaning you and your primary man, obviously have an agreement of serial monogamy between the two of you, you would need to talk to him about how you are feeling. If you don't you will cause resentment and lose the connection between the two of you. It is a common misconception that you cannot love more than one person. Love is individual and there are many forms of love in the world. There is homosexuality, heterosexuality, and there are many types of love and relationships inbetween, including polyamory. Take some time to figure out what it is that draws you to each one of these men and what your beliefs are about relationships. You are headed in the right direction by asking questions about your feelings. Now is the time to stay strong and not shy away from the possibility that your idea of relationships are changing too. Also make sure that you put yourself in the other person's shoes as well, and ask yourself whether it would bother you if he was seeing someone else when he is away on business. Also know that you are not alone in the world, most of our great historical figures like Benjamin Franklin, H.G. Wells, Princess Diana, Franklin Roosevelt, and many, many others. Here is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt "after Franklin's well-chronicled infidelity with Eleanor Roosevelt's secretary, Lucy Mercer, in 1918. Still, she later remarked: 'My husband and I had come through the years with an acceptance of each other's faults and foibles, a deep understanding, warm affection, and agreement on essential values.'" By deciding what you want and finding the compassion within yourself and accepting the things that make you happy, you can find your deep understanding too.

Get creative and try different paths.

Answer 2

I have never known a couple to get back together and make their marriage work after a separation. I believe it is imperative the couple work together, while together, to work out their problems in a united front. The second reason against separation is it's much easier to continue in a duplicitous manner when alone.
Your wife was and still is a liar and a cheater. It is a reasonable and expected request that the cheater stop all contact with the affair partner immediately and forever. Two or three months of giving her living expenses and two or three months of partial living expenses is far cheaper than her bleeding you on a daily basis. She now knows what gave her up and it will be easier to hide the affair.
Your counselor sounds like a quack quack quack. One of the first things a counselor will tell you is to cut all contact with the affair partner. "Working" on one partner while ignoring the marriage problem is counter productive.
Make an appointment with another counselor you are comfortable with to work on your issues and get a second opinion. If possible take your wife with you.

Check out these two excellent sites listed below.

Answer 3

Honey let me tell you I admire your strength in this matter and no I don't think this is an unreasonable request. And for you to help her out like you are shows that you really care for this person. I can say this because I was in the same situation with my husband. I have had a very difficult childhood myself, abuse was a daily thing for me, but I stayed strong and I never cheated on my husband. I hope your not making excuses for her. Or is she using that as a reason for her infidelity. The way I see it she want her cake and eat it to.

On the apartment since you told her you would help her out, keep your promise. This only shows what a caring man you are. But please don't be taken advantage of.

It sounds like she is not completely ready to give up the OP. And a question for you. Will you be able to trust her again? This is very hard to get over and once the trust is broken it takes a lot to regain that trust. Protect your heart, it has already been broken and you don't deserve to have it broken again.

Stay strong sweetie hope everything works out for the best for you.

Sincerely a brokendownangel

Answer 4

Whoa your in quite a situation... I have been the person that your wife is.. Address it really won't help if she is really into this guy. Once she see's you have an issue with it she will just stop telling you. At least just let her talk and get any information you can from her... As for the future it's probaly not going to work.

Your request is just that a request, not a law. She is going to do what she wants either way so let her do whats right for
her.

Answer 5

It's not unreasonable for you to make that request of her not speaking to OP! You two are trying to rebuild the marriage, right. How is she contributing if she's out sampling the platter instead of focusing on the main course??? I would set some ground rules for the both of you while this seperation is happening. If she breaks the agreement then I would no longer be financing her apt.

Answer 6

you will possibly be able to desire to wind up a close-by (or close sufficient) help team which could assist you to learn extra approximately what's available the place you reside, how the regulations artwork, and so on. different than that, it costs as much as you're keen to make it value. you're able to do your own ingredient or %. a internet software. while you're in severe college, you won't be able to "bypass" grades till you easily do all the artwork you will possibly be able to desire to so as which you get all the credit. (this could be an entire different ball of yarn you will possibly might desire to soak up with the homeschool help team.) if your state has any particular commencement standards for coursework, then you definately might might desire to persist with that so as that your mom ought to situation you a level. How plenty time that is going to take will count entirely on you and your software. it would take you in basic terms 3 hours an afternoon, or you should to truly spend significant time on your training and spend a common college day on the artwork. And maximum homescholers don't have a concern stepping into college.

Answer 7

You have every right to not only request that she have no contact with the OP but to demand it. If she is still contacting him then she isn't interested in making your marriage work, she's just afraid to let go of you "Mr. deep pockets."

Bring up her contact with the OP in counseling and tell her that she will have to find some other way to fund her apartment, etc. It sounds like you still love her, but you have to make certain that she knows what she REALLY wants in her heart. Does she want you or does she just want you to support her? Does she want the OP? The only way you will ever really know is to stop supporting her so much financially. Continue the counseling but insist that she not only support herself, but that she discontinue contact with the OP completely or you two are finished. YOU DESERVE HONESTY AND RESPECT!

Answer 8

Sounds like your wife has more issues to address. If she's not following the instructions that this counselor has already given her, I don't think she cares to try to fix anything. If you want to pay while she plays that's up to you, but I see it as throwing your money away. Good Luck.

Answer 9

just let her go, she obviously doesnt want to let go her relationship with this Man. You dont deserve that type of disrespect from her and most importantly YOURSELF! just believe that things happen for a reason, you are just wasting your time with her and you are so concentrated in making things work out with someone you cant trust that you might be missing the opportunity of meeting someone that is well worth your time and can make you happy and feel loved as you deserve.

Answer 10

She is obviously making her bed and laying in it.

It is not unreasonable for you to request she cut the ties if she plans on being with you again. It sucks to foot the bill while she carries on. You can call him up and tell him that he can support her instead!!!

If you are still going ot couseling, bring it up there. If she doesn't keep up her end of the deal, tell her you're not going ot keep up yours either...