If you care can you be the "enabler"?

Question

I've been in a relationship for two years with my ex-or current (depends who you ask) girlfriend. I have a son with her but we are not married. basically my ex or whatever has a substance abuse problem combine with psychological problem. I've (lack of better word) been her dad for the past 2 years and has supervised her and teaching her the rope but she never gets it. I am mean you name the problems and we have TRO against one another (we never got physical against each other but always made treats back and forth. so she is in rehad now for to treat the substance abuse and philological issue. and I have a TRO against her but she really wants to give this relationship a try. what to do? I feel as though she will never change and i am feel affected by her heavy drug use to a point i snap a people when they even mention drugs of any knod for whatever the reason. it would take me 10 pages plus to explain the detail so this will have to do.

so now she is in rehab and tells me she love me and expect me to reply the same. She also state she in rehab because of me and she is doing it for me and our son. i guess i am really confused. i don't know what to do, i want to leave her but i also don't want to run while is she down and feel like she needs me the most this time ( i guess i scared that she fails the rehab and /or leave the rehab before she accomplishes anything) i also don't take advantage of this situation and take custody of our son. i know she loves him very much ( in her own ways). for those of you who have already made (and the new ones as well) comments or answered my question i thank you for all your comments to each and everyone of you. they are all contructive comments i take dearly.

Answer 1

HI
enabler or Co dependent there are support groups for this problem it can't be helped it is a normal response but you can change it with help.
LAmmy

Answer 2

You asked, "If you care, can you be the "enabler"? Enablers are the ones who care.... it is just misguided, and hopeless......

You don't need 10 pages,hon, yours is a common problem with a pretty standard answer (except I have no idea what a TRO is...)

I don't answer many of these, but this one is pretty easy, hon.

Relationships that are successful have as their four main parts, respect, admiration passion and trust, with a whole lot of lovies, kindnesses, saying positive things, and sharing.

( It is also solving problems without rage and resentment, and sometimes just agreeing to disagree, and sometimes the best any of us can do is just shut the hell up. We don't teach how to resolve differences in hs, so we have lots of couples in relationships who just lash out at each other.)

But back to the real issue: with an addict, that person is already in a relationship ---- it just isn't with you now, and it never will be with you -- not even in the future. That person is already taken. And rehab is not very successful --- ask any druggie, alcoholic, gambler, and all the others who have addictions. So you and anyone else who is with some one who has an addiction is already in a crowded relationship. There are three of you at least in that relationship, and you will never be number one. If you choose to stay, you'll have to accept that......

Percentage wise, she has little chance to successfully beat it, hon... that is who addicts are.....it is their personality. To ask an addict to stop, is like asking some one who is 6'4", "don't be tall." Addictiveness is their essential nature, it is who and what they are, it defines them..They can't change, and rarely do.... . It's just too bad you had a child with this person.

You didn't ask me what you should do...... so I won't answer that. But this, at least defines your problem....

Answer 3

Wow, I am so sorry to hear what has happened to your family. Regardless of what she is to you, she is the mother of your son and I know it must be difficult not to care.

My honest opinion is that you need to go to an alcoholics anonymous meeting, or something of the sort. Perhaps the rehab center can tell you where you can go to meet other people like you (who have loved ones in rehab). People who have been through this before can be incredibly insightful.

I understand you don't want to be her father again. Perhaps when she gets out of rehab you can live apart and let her prove to herself (and you) that she can make it on her own. Only if she can would I be involved with her emotionally.

I wish you and your family luck.

Answer 4

Substance abuse can sometimes only be solved through therapy with trained professionals (whatever that means these days). And you may feel you've done everything in your power to get her to stop and now you're just drained. If you've voiced your feelings to her, your cares and concerns, and she still uses and abuses, then it is really unfair to you to go through the same ordeal over and over. She needs to stop being selfish and to find a harmless way to destress or indulge herself. You say that you have a son with her, and even the fact that she might be devasting her son or losing contact with him doesn't seem to be getting through to her. If she cannot stop the abuse, even after treatment, and she can't find a way inside herself to control it, there is little else you can do if she is unwilling to cooperate. Drug/alcohol abusers are not always but usually irrational and uncooperative--stubborn, selfish fools. I've got a long line of alcoholism in my family and have seen a lot of good good friends abuse drugs and eventually pass away. There's not much you can do for them if they're unwilling to open their eyes.

As for being the enabler because you care--If you care and you want to work on this relationship but think that maybe she'll take it as a sign of OKAY-ness to continue with the same behavior, make sure you are quite clear about your "rules" in the relationship. Yes, help her with the problem, maybe it'll take small steps to "ween" her, tell her from the get-go that this relationship is only starting again under certain conditions. Just because you care doesn't mean you're going to give in to everything she wants. Caring is about her needs more than her wants. She might snap at you and threaten you and become quite ugly but as you know, it's probably just detox affecting her.

I don't know how much of this helps you, or how much of this you agree with, but I've come to terms with a lot of my friend's passing away with this knowledge. You draw a line at certain behavior when you realize you can't even buy a bottle of Champagne for Christmas because your grandmother will be there.

Answer 5

Yes, you have been the enabler! You said yourself you've been her Daddy, taking care of everything for her! I think you two should seperate for awhile so you can get yourself together, while she works on herself! Not to mention you need to get your child out of that enviorment! If she does well after rehab, you can always get back together. This way, if she does go back to her old ways, you and your child won't be as affected by her. Your job right now is to make a good life for you and your child and hopefully she will be able to join you two when she is well. I also think you going to Al-anon will help you see how you've been enabling her and how to deal with everything else too! It's free and you can really get some good support there. Bless you and good luck!

Answer 6

Since you have a son with her it's quite possible you will know her for the rest of your life in some way. However, you can set up boundaries for the relationship. You can support your son, even have custody. Sorry to put it this way, but it's not your job to make her grow up. It's hers. Keep the restraining order and do NOT give in to her pleas of "let's try again." Go with your gut feeling. It may sound harsh, but it will be healthier in the long run for all of you! Set boundaries and cut her loose. Look up symptoms of a co-dependent relationship too; might help!

Answer 7

Tell her that your supportive of her getting healthy, but that's all that you can be at this time. It's likely that her substance abuse is self-medicating behavior due to her psychological problems. She needs to get clean and have her mental health issues professionally addressed before you ever consider having a relationship with her again outside of her being your son's mother. If she really wants the relationship, she'll get help.

Answer 8

What is your son going to think about you as he grows up? Do you even care? Care to marry the mother of your child? Ever realize the legal implications of bringing a child into the world by effing around with his mother and then playing house with her? Your 'girlfriend' - what are you, in high school? You may think you've been her dad but with you, she will always be in psychological and emotional limbo, playing house until you meet someone else. You threaten each other? Sounds like as a dad, you're not quite good dad for her. Sounds like she has put you through hell with her drug use. Sounds like you're a non-committal free loader when it comes to emotional involvement - and you pat yourself on the back for putting up with her.
You have a son with her. She's your son's mother. You BOTH have a lot of growing up to do. If you think you are stressed by her behavior, imagine the feelings of your own mother (if you still have one) evaluating what a charming prince of a guy she has for a son and the mistakes he made and continues to make by refusing to grow up. All those threats back and forth - must be charming for your own mother to know about, if she does, and must be thrilling for your own son to watch.
Get out of your adolescent jeans, pull yourself together and face the life you have made for yourself. Get as much help as you can but marry that poor woman so that she has some rights that are legal and your son and she would have some benefits that no doubt you care little about sharing.
Honestly, you thought you'd get sympathy for getting burned when you picked the wrong woman to knock up and play house with. Not from me.

Answer 9

FIRST, IF SHE ISN'T GOING OR IN REHAB FOR HERSELF, IT WILL NOT WORK. SHE CANT GO FOR YOU OR YOUR CHILD, UNTIL SHE FULLY REALIZES SHE HAS A PROBLEM AND WANTS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, SHE WILL CONTINUE TO FALL BACK INTO THE DRUG SCENE. YES, YOU ARE A ENABLER, YOU STICK FOR HER, YOU GIVE HER MONEY WHEN SHES BLOWN HERS, YOU LET HER SLEEP WHEN SHES BEEN OUT BEIJING. EVEN THOUGH AT THE TIME YOUR SO ANGRY WITH HER YOU CANT STAND IT, WHEN SHE COMES DOWN OFF HER HIGH AND STARTS ACTING SOMEWHAT NORMAL YOU FALL FOR IT. YOU THINK ABOUT HOW IT USED TO BE, OR HOW IT COULD BE, YOUR LIVING IN A ''IF'' WORLD.
I AM NOT SAYING PEOPLE CANT CHANGE, BUT YOU HAVE TO SHOW TOUGH LOVE , GIVE HER ULTIMATUMS AND DO NT HELP HER UNTIL SHE FULFILLS THEM. THAT IS THE REAL TEST OF A PERSONS INTENTIONS. YOU NEED TO GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE UNTIL AND IF SHE GETS HERS STRAIGHT. MAKE A STABLE HOME FOR YOUR CHILD. AFTER ALL HE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ASSEST IN THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP.
GOOD LUCK

Answer 10

Why would you call yourself an 'enabler'.
She is in rehab. do you think she is faking it?
the only way anyone could be a enabler is if you help her stay on drugs.

Think about your son in this. What type of mother you want for him. If you would like her to be the good mother for your son then help her out. The real question is if you still love her. regardless of what ever happens

To thy own self be true!

Answer 11

its strange but i just thought if this was a woman writing id prob have said dump him.but here goes i think you should give it one last try and mainly for your son.focus on him because i dare say hes suffered.people on drugs etc rarely change but if you believe her heart is there then try.be careful about snapping at others.otherwise youll become bitter.she needs to get into her head how dangerously she is behaving.she could lose her child.how depressed would she be then.just expect the worst and anything else is a bonus.most of all love your boy and be there for him.good luck.