Husband with wife considering abortion, agonizing - what to do?

Question

My wife and I are (I thought) happily married, with two adorable little girls. We're in our early 40s and live in a big, expensive city. My wife has always wanted a third child; I have resisted, thinking that as great as it might be, our resources and time and energy are already maxxed out. So -- horror of horrors -- we finally have a beautiful night alone, and the inevitable happens. We don't use birth control, and now she is pregnant and we are facing a fork in the road with two horrible outcomes: either we have this baby, which will put a huge strain on us; or we abort, and live with the consequences. In many ways I feel I am getting what I deserved for not using birth control, and that on some level I obviously either wanted this baby, or wanted this ghastly choice. Now, we are trying to stick together and get through this together, but my wife is furious at me for putting her in this situation. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated, as I now fear for my marriage.

Thank you all so much for your input so far. I am blown away and moved by all the responses, even the ones that deride my selfishness. To clarify one point: my wife is certainly furious at herself, as well as me -- her fury at me is directed at the fact that not only was I opposed to this third child for years, but I really wouldn't discuss it with her. Only now, when we are in this extremely tense situation, are we having the kind of deep conversations about what a third child would mean for our family that she longed to have for years, and that if we had had, we probably wouldn't be in this situation. We very well might have decided, together, to stick with two. (I might have shown her we couldn't handle it.) But undoing this situation - the abortion - is obviously a very different situation than simply deciding ahead of time to stick with two. Again, thanks for all your thoughts and answers.

Answer 1

You didn't put her in this situation. She willingly participated. She needs to get over her anger and rationally come to a decision with you. If you feel that you might have the slightest regret or remorse if you abort, don't do it. If you do choose to have this baby, you may have to change many things in your life, such as where you live. No one can tell you what to do in this situation, but try to make the best decision for you and your family. And if your wife always wanted a 3rd child, she's probably going to want to have this baby. Good luck.

Answer 2

You didn't put her in this situation! Did she ask you to put on a condom? Did she take birth control pills? NO! So don't let her blame you, and you don't blame her either. That's destructive and will only incite anger and resentment--not what you two need right now.

I can't imagine deciding to get an abortion just because you think your baby might be a financial strain. How selfish! Do you know that people are on waiting lists 7-10 years long to adopt an American baby? Why don't you at least consider that?

Besides, I've heard the third child finally gives you economies of scale--like, you hardly pay more at all, and the work load is far less. Three kids is not that different from two--you already have all the baby gear, the clothes to hand down, etc. Have your kids take out loans for college if necessary--they're easy to get and cheap.

By the way, it doesn't make sense to say that your wife has always wanted a third child but now she resents you for getting her pregnant. I bet she resents you for wanting her to get an abortion! Don't you know that's the worst thing you can ever suggest to your wife?! You two will need counseling no matter what you decide.

Answer 3

My daughters are 7 years apart. My husband and I were not in anyway planning on having more than one child, I wasnt supposed to be able to get pregnant. Opps.
She wasnt planned. It changed everything and depending how you look at things messed up our lives and plans. THANK GOODNESS!
It was and still is hard to manage. But she is the biggest and best blessing I could have ever asked for. I am so thankful everyday that I have my daughter....both of my daughters.

However...there would have been another one. Before the last one, when my oldest was 8 months old, I became pregnant again. I knew then that I was still to young to deal with two babies when we were having a hard time with the one we had. My boyfriend (AKA my current and only husband) and I made the difficult choice to abort that child. I do not think our life would have been the same and honestly do not think we as a couple could have made it together if we had not made the decision we did.
So I have been down both roads. You have a successful marriage, you have two daughters already. If your wife has always wanted another child and she is now carrying said child. Do you honestly think she could go and terminate? You need to toss your arms around your wife and let her know that no matter what the future holds, you and her are in this for the long haul and welcome this blessing with open arms.
Good luck to you!

Answer 4

A few people suggested adoption. Now, I don't know how old your daughters are, but this is a terrible option as far as I'm concerned. What will your children think when they see your wife go through pregnancy, and then the child is suddenly gone, and all your girls are left with are two devastated parents, and lots of uncomfortable questions, as well as the knowledge that in their parents' minds, a child is a thing of INconvenience? I will not say that abortion is wrong - that is your choice, along with your wife. Use birth control - always, at least the pill if you can't commit to condoms. I think you should have this baby and if you can't handle your "big expensive city" any more because of it, then relocate to a suburb or less expensive area. But adoption is an option that in this case just doesn't seem to work.

Answer 5

Do not abort the baby. Your relationship will suffer the consequences with the perpetual torture of the "what if" and the guilt, and the memories that will never go away.

Sure, kids are expensive, but a new baby at this age is a blessing! YOu can cut back cornesrs and even apply for some government benefits if you qualify (there is no shame on that!); but, if you are going to abort the baby just so you can keep yoru lifestyle, that is a quiet selfish reason.

Where there is food for 4 there will be for five. Do not fear, it's not your fault! You had a moment of pasion and you have conceived a baby!!! What a blessing!

If you belive that a baby will put a strain on you fiance and marriage, consider then adoption for the baby. You will never feel guilty about doing the right thing.

Good luck

Answer 6

Well, you could take the high road, have the baby and change your living --consider moving and adjusting your life to that of your children ---there are plenty of safe, clean and workable cities in the US

Or, you can have the abortion and continue the life you currently have. In either situation, you life as you now know it is going to change. I suggest you talk over very carefully all the alternatives with your wife. Give it a few days for you both to think about it, and then come back together to discuss what each of you believes you should do. No matter what the choice, in order for the relationship to last, the two of you have to work this out together and come to a solution that you both can live with. Right now you think it might be the worst thing to have to move or adjust your life, but you never know, it could actually mean a better life for you and your family. People are always resistant to change, and this isn't going to be easy. BUT, if you have the relationship in mind, the two of you will work something out that you both can live with.

Good luck, and God Bless ---you'll make the right decision, trust yourself.

Answer 7

As a mom myself that just miscarried I am shocked that you could even consider aborting the baby. It may be a strain to have the baby but I can tell you it will be a huge strain on both of you to loose the baby. You are both married adults act like it and bring this baby into the world and love it like you already love your two girls. You have the choice - I didn't but I can tell you that I think about my baby every day and wish that I could hold it and tell it how very much I love em. I wish that I could see its little face, fingers, toes.... all of those things that you were in awe of when you first held your girls. Don't make a decision like getting rid of the baby that will haunt you for the rest of your life. A child is not a consequence it is a miracle. Embrace your new miracle and the changes it will bring to your life and your family.

Answer 8

PLEASE! DO NOT ABORT THIS CHILD! I'm not anti-abortion; but, the anguish that most women feel after having an abortion is huge deterrent, if for no other reason. I fear for your marriage and family if this baby is aborted. You think you're under strain now!

You've gotten lots of valuable responses and I agree with most of what a lot of them said, especially the issue of your wife's taking responsibility for her part. I'm trying not to repeat what's already been said, but just let me say, ditto what tk, Tess 192, hallowee .. ., and Blunt have said. One of them said that every child you see will remind you--every child may include the two that you have now. I am afraid that you would never again have peace of mind. Also, if the marriage fails because of this, you will have the pain of a failed relationship and of a broken family, AND the guilt from having aborted this child, AND you will always wonder if the marriage would have lasted had the baby not been aborted.

I think your wife is angry because she had always wanted a third child, and when you did your part to conceive this one, it was as if you were finally acquiescing (like you said, you must have wanted this on some level); then, once she had the desired outcome, you reneged on the deal and wanted to get rid of the baby.

As far as resources go, I don't know how old your girls are now, but I bet they would love to help you and your wife with their new baby sibling, even if it's just by doing some things for themselves so that ya'll don't have to, and can attend the new addition to your household.

Answer 9

ok, so i'm a newly wed and we almost had an opps! --on meds that we didn't realize might interact with the pill. Anywho for about 2 weeks we really thought that we were pregnant and were just waiting and waint. We want to wait another 4 years at least! but we were bucking up and taking this head on even though finacially it would be hard. I was a little bumbed we weren't....however the moral of the story is whether the child was wanted or not abortion never crossed our minds........

......the key is is that it is both of your responsibilities and she is probably scared to have a child this late in her life due to health risks. Talk about it to her be openly honest. And all else fails give the child up for adoption were many many couples can't have children....that would be the best for eveyone, especially the baby!

Answer 10

Those are NOT your only choices!!

If the two of you really feel that having a third child, would put too much strain on an already unstable marriage.. and you are determined to not keep the child.. then you should give the child up for adoption! Do NOT kill your baby! If you choose to do that, it will be something you both regret for the rest of your life.. You'll never get over it (as you very well shouldn't).

If you just can't keep the baby, then do the right thing and give him/her up for adoption. Your baby deserves a chance at life.. so please, don't take that away.