My husband, a teacher, was sleeping with a co-worker who is also my 13 year old daughter's teacher. Advice?

Question

They work in the same school. She is my daughter's teacher and, now, will be her asst. cheerleader coach next year. We have been married 16 years. He has lied about everything, but finally confessed. Have started counseling. I take ownership for my part in what caused him to look elsewhere. But I am having a huge problem getting over that he, and that other teacher, have betrayed my child so badly. She has made my child her "pet" over the school year and my child loves her. He now says he will do anything to "fix" it, but as our counseler pointed out, he didn't say that until he got caught. Their emotional affair was probably for the last 6 months, their sexual affair for the last 3. At first, he said it was a fling with someone else last semester, so we started counseling to work it out. 4 days ago, I found out it was my daughter's teacher, which is what I thought all along. My counselor says the other woman isn't the problem, but cause my child is so involved, she is.

Answer 1

wow.. thats a messed up deal.. maybe change schools? cant think of any other solution for that one

Answer 2

Wow. That is so wrong. I would be so mad I would report the teacher because what she did was very unprofessional. But I'm not saying that is the best thing to do. I guess maybe you should just kind of wait things out. See how the counseling goes for a little while and if things start to make more sense. And I definately advice against letting your daughter in on the situation. That would just mess up her head. Good luck with everything and I hope you soon see brighter days.

Answer 3

You don't want to change your daughters classroom or school and make her leave her friends when she has done nothing wrong. Right now you probably feel like your family is trying to replace you with another mother and there's not much you can do without being unfair. I think the best thing to do is have a 'parent-teacher' meeting. Let her know youre in control of the conversation and let her know that it's one thing to have an affair with your husband but its another to mess with one's own daughter. Let her know you feel extremely uncomfortable that someone you have no respect for and think is a bad role model is getting so close to your child. Let her know she needs to keep a respectable distance away from your daughter. Make sure that when you are having this conversation people know where you are and that youre not behind closed doors.. maybe somewhere public just because you never know how she'll react.

Answer 4

It sounds like you have a lot to grieve through. I hear through your brief description there is the loss of your relationship with your husband and a fear of losing the relationship with your daughter.

I agree with your counselor that all parties contribute to the break down in communication and relationship. We do have to own the part that is our responsibility. We can only change ourselves, we have no control over anyone else. Each person is responsible for him/herself.

The first question to answer is, "How committed are you to the marriage?" Your committment is what all your actions will hinge upon. Your husband then has to answer the same question. From what I see, his behavior has answered it. You have gone to counseling with him, yet he is still in an act of adultery. Ask yourself if you can live with that and still love him in all aspects of marriage. Can you live with that? I would guess you aren't coping well with it since you are asking for advice.

I don't envy your situation. You have some difficult questions to answer for yourself and you need to sit down with your husband and communciate how you feel and those things you can and can not live with. Whatever severed the marriage ties between you and your husband does not negate his responsibility for his behavior or his act of adultry. The marriage vows are: for better or worse, in sickness or health, until death do us part. Nothing excuses adultry. Forgiveness is a must in every transgression, HOWEVER, reconciliation can only be accomplished when the transgressor shows sorrow for the behavior and stops that behavior replacing it with the proper behavior. In your husband's case this would mean breaking it off with the 'other' woman, then treating you as an emotionally healthy husband would love and care for his wife, shunning all others for only her.

If you decide to have that conversation with your husband, pick neutral territory. It should be a private place condusive to the tone you want to keep in the conversation. Be sure you are able to follow through with stated consequences that you present in the case he is not willing to break off the relationship with this other woman. Idle threats will compound your problems and heartache.

If you are considering divorce, find out what the laws in your state are. I personally believe divorce most often compounds problems in a family. At the same time it is not healthy for you or your daughter while the head of the house is in an adulterous relationship. No one can tell you what to do or even make the decisions for you. It is going to be gut-wrenching, but only you can make the decisions.

I do believe I would place my child in another school. My concern is that your daughter could, or maybe is, being used as a pawn. I wouldn't leave her in that situation, but I'm only seeing a little piece the picture. Those are things you are better equipped to scrutinize.

Answer 5

You need to buck up and leave this guy. You know damn well everyone at the school knew what was going on the whole time and he has made a laughing stock of you and your family. It's one thing to have a little out of town "fling" but this guy was having a full fledged affair with someone you know!

Forget the counseling and hire the best laywer you can afford! Based on your story, you will do very well financially in the divorce.

Answer 6

Wow! What a horrifying position to be in as a parent. When my daughter was 16 she thought someone over the age of 20 was "old". When she was 21 she thought anyone over the age of 30 was old. So I have to stop and think that there is something weird and/or dysfunctional going on in this household. What would make a 16 year old think that she is in love with her gym teacher...and what the hell is wrong with the teacher? Pedofile!!!

Answer 7

Wow, this is just a rotten situation. I can't imagine how you feel. It's extremely selfish of him to put your daughter in this situation. I personally do not think I could forgive him for this, but I with a child involved, I guess you have to remain civil. Your daughter is old enough to understand what your husband did, and old enough to make her own decisions and opinions on what happened. You may want to discuss it with her.

My mother and father had a very rocky relationship when I was growing up and my mother was always open with me. My mother is now my best friend and I tell her everything, and I'm also very close to my father.

If you cannot love him anymore, be honest with yourself and with everyone else.

Answer 8

I would not be ok with any of this....... he will still be having contact with this woman and she is going to be around your daughter every day practically? And your husband doesn't sound like he 'came clean' as much as he 'got caught' and had no choice......my husband hooked up with his high school girlfriend and then she moved cross country to the town he works in ( 90 mins away - he commuted )

I had an unholy fit seeing as he was already untrustworthy and now she was there, where he could stop by her house anytime ( he was a driver ) and I just couldn't handle it. We are no longer together. Some things are just too hard to get over. I hope it works out with you : )

Answer 9

Report that teacher she is in no way a role model for children then devorce your soon to be ex and move on. And transfer your daughter you dont want her the laughing stalk of the school. He could have given you AIDS , or even your child an std . Trust is hard to gain but easy to lose . And another question who is on his mind when he is sleeping with you. The trust is gone and the hurt remains but in the end you need to concider these things before making a choice

Answer 10

WOW!! That is a lot for a woman to have to go through. I dont know if I could be able to go through all of that without killing my husband. I am not saying kill him though. If I were you I would make him explain to your child what happened since she is in the middle of it. Then you need to talk to this teacher one on one and explain to her that it was wrong for her to do that knowing that your daughter was her student. Certain people should have certain morals. Then finally I would put in for a divorce and screw trying to work it out especially if he just keeps lying he will do it again!! Put your daughter in a different school and explain to her why you are doing this so she wont hate you for it. Talk to her like she is a mature adult and move on with your life you deserve it. If he is happy being a cheat then let him live like that . There are too many diseases in this world for that to be happening!! He needs to understand that what he did effected your daughter as well.

Answer 11

Is it an option to put your daughter in another school while you work on your marriage? I say that because she's obviously caught in the middle of this and no 13 year old deserves that! I know she may not like the idea of switching schools (but she may welcome the opportunity) but it would probably be better for her in the long run to have someone else as her teacher/cheerleading coach than this woman her daddy's been cheating on you with.