What are the Signs Of An Abusive Man?

Question

I 'm caught between the man i love soon to be father of my child and my mother who has had a long stressful abusive relationship and thinks my fiance is the same. What to do? post answers here or send to [e-mail]

Answer 1

You should do a few Internet searches on this topic, to find better and more complete lists compiled by experts.

But, off the top of my head:

Controlling -- needing to know where you are all the time, feeling the right to approve of disapprove of everything you do, where you go, who you spend time with; being absurdly nit-picky about your doing things in exactly the "right" way (his), even things that don't really matter (folding towels exactly this way).

Isolating -- tries to keep you away from friends and family (so you have no social support network); doesn't like or approve of the people you care about; doesn't like your spending time with them.

Absurd levels of jealousy -- when you speak to or smile at a man, is convinced you're cheating or about to cheat or want to cheat.

Short fuse: quickly looses it. Blows up over little things; goes from zero to ballistic in no time.

Ugly drunk: Gets ugly when drunk, cussing, slamming things around; mean. (Later, he'll drink to "justify" abusive behavior, and blame abuse on the drinks -- but he won't stop.)

Verbally abusive and dismissive -- hypercritical of everything you do or say, uses 'always' and 'never' a lot: You NEVER care what I think; You ALWAYS mess up; never do anything right; are always dumb. Uses a lot of insult words to describe you -- klutz, fat, dumb, ignorant, "female dog" (so to speak).

Gets physical -- grabbing your arm to prevent you from walking away; pushing; slapping.

If you call him on the above behaviors, might become contrite "I'm SORRY." It's just because I LOVE you so much." "I'll never do it again." (oh, yes he will).

Flips between hostile and super-loving.

"NEEDS you." (so he says -- needs someone to bully)

Although it's possible your mother is reading into things, listen to what she has to say. Ask her for specific examples of what makes her think he's the same.

Are her examples accurate?

She might really be picking up on the early warning signs.

Or she might be reading into it.

You should investigate more, and try to talk to experts.

Thing is, if you grew up in an abusive environment, you might be seeking more of the same (I know, that sounds nutty, but often children from such situations find abusive partners, out of a felt need to change how things went -- it doesn't work).

Answer 2

Most abusers start out with little things, like commenting on whether you're wearing makeup to go to the grocery. They slowly start keeping you from friends and then make excuses why you can't see family. Everything is "turned around" to make him the "victim". Jealousy is real big red flag. A lot of women, at first, find it endearing. They think to themselves "Wow how cute he's jealous; He must really love me." Eventually, he is controlling every aspect of your life.

Abuse comes in many forms. Some hit, some use verbal abuse like name calling, and some, like my ex, use emotional abuse. All are life draining and detrimental.

The whole time I was married to my ex, I kept thinking I would rather him hit me and give me an obvious(to others) reason to leave. Instead, he kept me away from everyone I loved, cheated on me numerous times and tried to tell me it was my fault, and even went as far as to come to my work on payday to collect my check. I was not allowed any money at all and only got the check book when I had to go grocery shopping. The isolation hurt more than a physical pain.

You don't have to be married to the father of you child. Wait a while after your baby is born and see if his behavior gets better or worse. Having lived it herself, your mother is going to be a good monitor to his behavior. Don't trap yourself and your innocent baby in a bad situation just to save face.

Answer 3

you are being abused when you have lost a sense of yourself in such a way that you can't remember what it is you like to do, and can instantly think of what he won't allow, it begins with control. Some women suffer from battered women's syndrome and the believe every one is like that, you seem very educated and I believe you can figure this out, as long as you want to.

Answer 4

Read this:
"Your weakness determines his story. He'll tell you I was the great love of his life. Or that I was so mentally unstable, leaving me was the only way he could save himself. Or that I used him, ruined his life and maliciously cast him aside. He used to tell me all of those things. And other things, too. But you'll only see him as charismatic. Engaging. Amusing. He'll flatter you. He'll endear himself to you. He'll draw you in with either his charm or his vulnerability. Sometimes both. Soon you, too, will think I was crazy or vicious. Or both. Some women secretly, headily feel that they're the only one who can truly love him. Love him the way I never did. You want to be the woman who will repair the damage I inflicted on him, and be the one to understand."
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976747594

Answer 5

I don't know about the abusive man but I can tell you the most common sign of a battered woman..." She just never listens"

Answer 6

if he alway on your back
call you names
physically put his hands on you
want you to stay away from family and friends
take your money and don,t give you none
act sweet to you at first but become jealous til the point
that he embarass you.
don,t want you to leave the house
don,t want to be with your friends
think you cheating with every guy
tell you i love you,or don,t nobody want you,but me
you are ulgy,fat,lazy

Answer 7

tell her she's crazy!... unless of corse he is abusive, if he is seek help.

also: its good advice to get to know someone before you decide to get married, and have children. i would say 1 year should suffice, especially if you're living with eachother.

Answer 8

Are you married ? or just making a baby ? does he hit you ? yell, scream at you, call you degrading names like b***h or wh***e ? if he does he probably is abusive & I hope you are not pregnant.

Answer 9

when he has anger... verbally assaults you... that can be a beginning... and if you let it get further it will...