My husband and his mother..?

Question

Ok my husband has been thru hell with his family...the worse...he mom is a smoker and he has always tried to help her out...about every year she will be clean and my husband will contact her and start seeing her again and things like that...and every time she goes back to doing the drug and everytime he is heart broken...he got a call from his cousin last night saying she had cleaned up and wants to see us..Well I'm scared for his feelings..We are expecting our first child and I know he wants her to know her grandchild and is going to try harder than ever to keep her clean this time..What can I do to tell him I think its a bad idea. I dont want him getting hurt AGAIN...any advice?

Answer 1

Well, she's his Mom. Just like you guys, For Better, For Worse, he's always going to love her and wish she was in his life. There's nothing you can do but support whatever decision he makes about this. Eventually, he may want to stop talking to her because of his new baby. She, may stop smoking because of the new baby. Have faith in both of them and just remember to take care of your husband first and foremost.

Answer 2

Even though you want to protect him, you can't. He is a grown man, and this is his mother. You should support him no matter his decision and be there for him. Let his mother be a part of your childs life, maybe it will make her come out of it. You can't give up hope. If you want to prepare him for what you think will happen, just talk to him and tell him you just want him to be prepared and not get his hopes up. A grandchild might just help her, although OF COURSE I would let it be known NOW, that she would have to prove her cleaness before she would be left alone with the child for any amount of time. Maybe it will encourage her to change her ways. Good luck.

Answer 3

I'm not sure of your meaning. . . ."smoker". I relate that to cigarettes, but contextually, I feel you may be meaning dope.

Your husband's mother will always be an addict; hopefully, a clean one. But the danger of slipping is ever present. Thus the probability for his getting hurt is high.

He has to accept that, and not make too large an emotional investment in her at this time. But she IS his mother, so there should be some emotional tie. Just not a high expectation of success. SHE has to help herself; all the son can do is support her attempt ( not financially).
Support him in this; She may clean up permanently, and if you have cut her out of her grand children's lives, it will be their loss. Just be cautiously optimistic, OK?
Good luck, and God Bless you all.

Answer 4

That can only make things worse!!!

Talk it over with him and be honest about your feelings by all means - but be careful to put it in a caring way.

But it must be his decision.

But think on - what if she does clean up and become a good person. What if she does not but your child still wants to meet their grandmother later in life and finds you have been instrumental in the breech?

Life is never easy but but you must look at all sides and what the possible outcome of these actions could be.

Answer 5

It's admirable that you care so much for your husband that you wish to spare him pain, however, we can't run other people's lives. Also, it is his mother and he really does deserve a relationship with her and your child deserves its grandmother. Why not help them both by looking up others ways to help people addicted to nicotine and this time he can have some ways to help her stay away from it. Addiction to cigarettes is truly a medical condition, for some people with addictive personalities it is nearly impossible for them to stay away or get away permanently. As you would be supportive of an alcoholic relative and help them when they fall off the wagon, be supportive of his mother. Tell her she knows the rules, when she smokes you stay away, when she doesn't you guys have a great relationship. My neighbor had tried patches and lots of other ways, but hypnotism is what eventually worked for him. Good luck to your mother-in-law and God Bless you guys.

Answer 6

He doesn't live in reality if he thinks a drug addict who can't remain clean is someone his new infant needs to get to know. Protect your child first. Get him a copy of Bad Childhood -- Good Life so he can see his mother for the weak, selfish woman she is.

Answer 7

Tell him how you feel
but I think that thing will change once the baby is born
because on of the thing he will not want is to have his addicted mother around the child
so if she does not stay clean once the baby is born she will certainly be out of your lives for good

Answer 8

A person needs to give up any addiction for them selves first. Why is she being treated like a second class citizen just because she smokes. Not as if shes an alcoholic or a crack addict!

Answer 9

What can you do? Unless she does something utterly unforgiveable, your husband has to keep supporting her while she's sober. It's only right.

I think, though, he has the right to discuss it with her that she can't be off-again, on-again forever without him expecting her to be sober for longer before he believes her.

And can you believe people want to legalize drugs?!!! What a mess...

Answer 10

i think it's wonderfully sweet that you are concerned for your husband. and from the sound of it...he is acting responsibly. he avoids her when she relapses not putting you in an odd position. it's not a bad idea for him to see her again. this is a reversed situation of a mother's bond for her child. he will always love her and be glad for her when she does well. my best suggestion is that YOU be there for him when he is heartbroken. because he will need you even more then.