You are aware your brother is an instigator....he just loves to cause?

Question

trouble....(I personally have told him.it is sick!)...He just laughs...But when you say..."that is abuse"..and he says..."NO, it's reality"...why doesn't he SEE it????...He has a college degree and very intelligent but can't keep a woman for long...and soon as he opens his mouth...the woman is "Horrified"...and he knows what abuse is.....but doesn't see it in himself...HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND...why an intelligent man can't see it????? i FEEL HE DOES ON SOME LEVEL...don't you?...(He does not believe in going to any therapist...he said it is way too expensive, which i agree but their are low costs clinics around.)..anyway, he has CHOSEN NOT TO GO...AND GETS UPSET IF YOU MENTION IT?...SO WE HAVE HAD TO LET IT GO...AND try not to be around him...much..is that the best way???

Answer 1

the best way to deal with it is to ignore them or avoid them. this is what i've found through my own experience.

my sister and cousin are both instigators. both are bright with multiple degrees, yet they enjoying creating uncomfortable moments between the family or whoever happens to be around. it's really sick because they seem to do it for their own pleasure.

in the past i've let myself get caught up in their game, but as i gotten older i've learned that the best way to deal with them is to nod my head and pretend like i'm listening. That or I skillfully change the subject when i feel that they're targeting someone in the room. They catch on and get frustrated, and their attempts become more obvious and pathetic. that's when they'll start to back off, and then change the subject.

luckily i don't have to deal with them day to day, but i try to avoid them when i can. you can choose your friends, but not your relatives... hopefully for your sake, your brother will change. but try not to stress yourself out while you wait for that day, because it may never come. :\ good luck!

Answer 2

First of all, you have to understand that some people are just jerks. It may be because he is so intelligent, so successful, that he is the way he is. People that seldom lose, often get used to being the winner, at any cost, and that makes them overconfident, cocky, and sometimes obnoxious. He may be immature, and not ready to be that guy that wants that perfect person for him in his life, yet. Who knows?

I once heard that we are all the sum of our experiences, meaning that we become the person that we become simply because of the things we experience in life. However, That is only half of the equation. I also believe that the choices we make dictate the life that we lead. If you can understand this: EVERY SINGLE THING WE DO IS A CHOICE, AND EACH CHOICE HAS CONSEQUENCES AND RAMIFICATIONS, you will see how he got to be the way he is. Pretend that you are thirsty. You have a glass of your favorite beverage (mine would be sweet iced tea) sitting on the table beside you. You must choose to pick up the glass and drink, or it stays right where it is, on the table, right? Well, what are the ramifications and consequences if you do this? If you choose to drink, your thirst is quenched, at least for a time. If you choose not to drink, you stay thirsty, right?

The point is, life will throw experiences in your pathway that you have to react to and interact with. No two people will percieve the experience in the exact same way, therefore the decisions made by the different people will yield differing results for each. It is the sum of the interpretation on the part of the individual of the complete process that makes us who we are. In other words, to understand the man, you must first understand how he feels about how he got where he is in the first place. You may try asking him about pivotal events in his life, and how he felt about them, why he decided to act the way he did in a given situation. Be careful not to charge after him accusatorily, specifying certain events you personally want to know about, and why he did this or that to you, because you will offend him and get nowhere. In showing a little understanding yourself, you may find that he softens and starts to understand himself, as well as others around him (including you), a little better. Staying away from him helps noone.

In the final analysis, a little bravery on your part may be the only thing that helps your brother. And, even if you offend him a little, he will see that you are siblings, and you mean the best for him.

Hope this helps...

Answer 3

Well, I can tell you about my dealings with my brother.

He used to make ethnic and racial jokes in my presence. I always told him that I didn't appreciate such things, which went in one ear and out the other.

One day I tried a new tack - "Do you really feel that way, or are you saying such things because you think they are 'funny'? " and then waited for the response. This sets up a lose-lose situation, no matter what he said.

In my case, he thought he was 'funny.' Since I had already come out to him, I drew a parallel to the times I have been assaulted just for being NEAR gay places, or being gay. I asked if he thought my getting beated or verbally assaulted was funny.

Sometimes it takes making the SPECIFIC connection between the hate speech - and the violence it foments - for the abuser to wake up. Sometimes not even this works, and the abuser needs psychological help.

There was a period when I would distance myself from him, so I know that works also. I certainly never invited him out in public during this period. But I think I made a 'light bulb' turn on for him, somewhat.

One update - he still goes to a Baptist church, which does not have the best record in terms of preaching anti-LGBT hatred. But he has never brought any of this bigotry up in the presence of anyone in my family. So perhaps he has learned something.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Your question could have been written with a little more attention to readers who aren't familiar with the situation. I mention this because your communication skills are important here.
___That said, your testimony to him at least provides some evidence of the nature of what he's doing, that he may or may not make use of at some future point when he's more ready to face things.
___You don't describe what sort of "abuse" you're talking about. Is it verbal abuse? Physical abuse? Is he undermining a woman's self-esteem to exert power over her?
___You might point out that any relationship in which one partner manipulates or demeans another is a relationship in which the appearance of affection is coerced. That is, if he feels he has to coerce a woman to be in a relationship with him, what he's getting is no evidence of his worth, but just the opposite. He's just proving that he can't get a real, healthy woman, and has to take the broken ones, or break them, to get them to stay with him. That's the sign of a loser.
___If he's got issues with women, then directing him to some intelligent anti-feminist literature might help. A lot of broken men are produced by exposure to feminist-influenced child-rearing practices, or feminist-influenced education. Perhaps understanding how feminism oppresses boys from a young age might help him come to grips with things. But if he wasn't exposed to such influences, don't bother. It might open a can of worms, and one has to balance the downsides of feminism against the good that it accomplished in the early days. This is a difficult task.
___I have a friend who has racist tendencies, and we argue all the time about it. He tells me that few others will even argue with him about it, but shut him off and leave. I can't help but think that his welcoming our arguments is a sign that what's going on is his getting some resentments off his chest, and that he knows that he ought to mellow out in regard to his racial issues. See if your brother gives the appearance of wanting to talk about things, even if it's in a somewhat hostile voice. If he's your brother, I dont' think you should abandon him altogether, but if you're patient and persistent, you might be able to plant the idea in his head that his conduct is wrong. And the responses from others (lost girlfriends, friends who shun him, or being left with losers for friends) may well back up these ideas over time.
___And you might appeal to his honor. Ask him if he's proud of this or that behavior, if he thinks it how honorable men behave.

Answer 5

Every family has them will call them SH-- STARTERS! When they come around everybody flee! They are the last ones to show up at a family function and the first to know everyone else's business. We have learned as a family not to entertain them. Meaning if they start to gossip we walk away. If they get irate the elders will ask them to leave everyone else goes in the other direction. We just don't tolerate them. If you don't entertain him and ignore him he will go away.

Answer 6

sounds like he is bi polar