Who COMES FIRST IN YOUR FAMILY? HUBBY OR KIDS?

Question

I'm tired of my Husband telling me that he should come first in my life and then it's our baby. I totally disagree with that. I think your kids should come first no matter what, then your husband. Am I the only one who feels this way?

He also feels that I come first, then the kids. I rather the baby before me

Answer 1

Read all of this reply, but on the surface I'd agree with your husband, your spouse should come first, if you love you spouse like your should it will be so much more healthy for your child. Now true love isn't selfish, if you put your husband first that doesn't mean your kids are suddenly put on a back burner they are kids they will require alot of attention and he needs to understand that. Also for your childs development into adulthood once they get married they are going to need to be able to let go of you and if you have put them first and in turn expected first place in thier lives it's gonna make it tough to let them go and start putting a new significant other first once they find their spouse. Also when your kids grow up and leave it's going to be just you and your husband again, so love your kids, every second, enjoy each minute, but give your husband his time too, this is a tough time for new Dads he's probably feeling a little left out you got the attention of having the baby, now the baby gets the attention of being all cute and little and he got nothing so when the baby's asleep give yourself to him 100% and I don't mean just sexually. True love means each person giving 100% to the other, I know it's tough but he needs you right now too, he needs to know you still love him and he's not just a sperm donor and don't feel like you are leaving your baby out, trust me your baby will grow up alot happier if mama and daddy are getting along like they should, don't worry it will get easier.

Answer 2

It's not a matter of who comes first, it's a matter of both parents living in a way that will leave the baby well taken care of and both parents satisfied. Your baby should come first in that the baby is incapable and needs protection, sustenance, etc. Your husband should come first in that he is a grown man that entered a relationship with you in which it was made clear that you both had needs that were to be fulfilled til death do you part.

It is fair to say that you may not have time or energy to meet all of his needs or the baby's needs but at the end of the day what will matter is the fact that both you and your husband are trying to satisfy all parties involved. If you want your husband to be a good parent then force that but don't expect him to be a good husband as his needs are perpetually put aside.

If it was the other way around and he was too focused on the child and you had things that you needed from him and he put you off and put you off wouldn't you be bothered by that? Would you be as inclined to love him? Would you be as loving towards the child as it seemingly stole away the attention and love you were promised with marriage?

Answer 3

Sorry. If your marriage doesn't come first priority, then you cannot teach your children what a functioning, loving, long lasting relationship looks like. If you put your kids first, your marriage will take a back seat and go down the wrong course over time...you don't think so? Just think about all the divorced couples you know(I am and they all centered their lives around kids and grew apart). When you marry, you become a family and children are added to that family to creat a larger family....not the other way around. Children will come into our lives, fill it with so much joy and then they will leave to begin their own lives and after they leave, it's just the two of you again. Remember, you only have a short time to teach your children how to respect and love and honor THEIR future spouses before you send them off into the world to make their own way. If you don't tend to your marriage FIRST, then there won't be a marriage to model. It's not a choice you have to make, but it's a priority shift. Teach your kids what a marriage is and what it isn't....that is the best, most loving thing you can possibly ever do for your kids. I know that's not a popular response, but that's what I've been taught and what I'm teaching my children. I love, love, love my child. However, I love my husband more. He's my team mate, my lover, my council, my best friend and we're in this together. We're in this to love, discipline and prepare our children for life and adulthood. My kids need us as a cohesive unit in order to know what they could and should attain in their own lives. Just my two cents.

Answer 4

Come fist in what? I guess I don't understand your question.

I don't think is love you talking about cause love is one, selfish and makes no distinction, choosing between husband/wife and kids is like choosing between siblings, impossible!!!

Now if you are talking about attention, then I agree with you kids should take most of your attention. However, not all of it!!! Your husband is part of your life and the father of your kids... he should also get some of your time regardless of how busy, tired or devoted to your kids you are. The same applies for husbands!!! I agree with one poster that said you picked your partner before your kids were born and hopefully you guys will be together after they are gone. Once they leave and have their own family you will only have your partner left and if you neglected to build a solid relationship then you won't be happy!!

Life is about balance.... in everything, from work, food, fun, family, kids, partner, hobby's, etc... if you over or under do anything, in the future bad things will come out of it.

Best of luck and hope you build a great family,

Answer 5

Children are needy and dependent. Adults, dads or moms, should be more independent, having the coping skills to deal with what comes their way. Of course kids needs must be considered first. Be sure though that it is a need and that the children aren't dictating every minute of your life. If the baby is wet, change his diaper first, before all else. If he is hungry, feed him first. If he is sick, spend time with him at the doctor and nurturing him at home, etc. They are your kids, your responsibility. One day they will grow up and remind you of how they were treated. That can be good or bad. :)

That being said let me add this. Children will one day grow up and fly away from home. You will be left with a spouse. If you have devoted your life exclusively to your children you will be left feeling empty and staring at a cold wall over dinner when it's just the two of you. So, as much as possible, include your hubby in the rearing and nurturing of the kids. Sometimes, make your man feel as if he the most important thing in your life. It won't kill the kids to have a sitter one night and you two go out on a date. Keep the flame burning or you both will end up out in the cold when all is said and done. Good luck dear.

Answer 6

I think that while your baby IS a BABY, then he or she comes first-and in getting you pregnant, your husband should have realized that babies have special needs that they have no control over.(Whereas he Does-or SHOULD). Once your child hits about five or six, DEPENDING on the need, then maybe the hubby can come first again....For example if your child is five or six and has the flu or something and the hubby just wants to "play" then the child comes first. But if your hubby is carrying six bags of groceries and has a dog ripping at his heels and can't open the front door and the child just wants to chat, then the hubby should come first. Most children have excellent memories and he/she can pick up where they left off...

Answer 7

Your husband has two arms and two legs that are capable of doing far more than your baby's.So for him to pout over you having to do everything for your baby is a sign that maybe he needs to realize what being a responsible parent is all about.The baby cannot get up and make itself something to eat your husband can why the baby can't even feed itself it needs you to do this.As I see it the baby needs you for everything and if your husband wants attention at the end of the day (this is what I had a problem with) he can help you with the baby so your not too tired to spend time with him.But if your doing everything without any help then of course your going to be tired and not feel like doing anything else at the end of the day but sleep.So tell him to grow up and be a parent because now that he is one everything has changed and hopefully for the better.Having a child shouldn't cause you two to have differences it should more than anything bring the two of you closer together.But to answer your question more directly 'No your husband does not come first,the baby does and now that your both parents nothing will ever change.It will always be your child first and foremost before anything else.Even when your old and gray.And that's the way it should be.

Answer 8

This is always a tough one. People always say put your kids first, but that is not true. When you marry your husband, you made a commitment to put him only after God. You show your kids how to love future mates by how they see you treat your husband. Plus, when the kids leave the house it will just be you and him. Some couple divorce after the kids leave the house because they were there for the kids.

Answer 9

I suppose it really depends on the situation. Now if my daughter wants to do something and her dad says no, she thinks I should go to bat for her and try to convince him that she should be able to do it. I told her I will be living with him for the rest of our lives, she will grow up and get married and have her own family. I think if you have a baby, yes that baby comes first. What area is it that he thinks he should come before the baby? Most of the time, I say kids come first, but as said, it really does depend on what the need is.

Answer 10

Family life shouldn't be a competition. Why do either of you feel the need to reduce it to one?

It's your job as parents to help your children learn to take care of themselves and get along in this world. The most important lesson you can teach them is what a healthy, loving, and successful long-term romantic relationship looks like. Consciously or not, children will grow up basing their search for romantic relationships on what they saw with their parents. Also, you are teaching them what parenting is like. Do you really want your kids growing up thinking that having children means you stop being your own person and you lose your right to a happy romantic relationship? Do you want them to grown up thinking that once kids come into play, marriages die? Those aren't healthy attitudes to foster, but that's what will happen if you continue with your misguided martyrdom.

Here's something bigger to think about: What's the real reason your husband feels so neglected? Are you constantly using your kids as an excuse to avoid spending time with him? And if so, why are you still married to someone you don't want to spend time with anymore? Staying in an unhappy marriage is more damaging to children than ending one.

Answer 11

i definently think that the kids should come first! Me and my husband agree that the kids come first before me or him. My kids are way more important than my husband...although i love him a lot too...well u love your kids and your husband in different ways, but your kids should be the first to get your attention.