If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Question

This morning I noticed that my husband of 3 years had downloaded the myspace IM. Him and I have many mutual friends from when we were both in the service. Some of those friends were on his IM list. I don't get a chance to catch up with any of them that much, so I went into his message history to see if he had talked to any of them, and yes I will admit, I was snooping a little as well. When I opened them, I came accross 1 message from one of his friends (girl) in highschool. I have never met or spoken with her, but I have always had a strange unsettling feeling about her in particular. The messages back and forth were about him going back home to visit family, and wanting to see eachother, but he would not until she was divorced (???) and that how she used to be a stripper and that he would have loved to see her dance... how she wanted him to send explicit photos of himself and her to send some to him as well...

and talking about how i was noting but a "friend with benefits" when we first started seeing eachother... overall, it was horrible as you can imagine. I ended up having a serious panic attack while reading the whole thing. I confronted him and he said that he wasn't serious about any of it, that he would never go see her behind my back, and that yes he was wrong for flirting like he was with her. I don't have a problem with him talking online at all, and even if he were to flirt with someone random, but the fact that he knows this girl, and the things that were said, I'm still very upset and not comfortable with that at all. This is the second time he has said something inappropriate to someone he knows (the first time was to a girl he works with "you are so sexy"). I try not to be a nag or a prude, but I feel that this may be a warning sign to something that could potentially destroy us as a couple, and my heart. Should I still be upset, or believe him?

Yes I admit I was wrong for snooping, but I would also like to mention, that he has snooped on me numerous times, and still hasn't found anything to upset him... two wrong don't make a right, but I also know that if you are or intend to cheat, you are usually quick to point the finger at the innocent person! BTW we do have children! twins girls, 2 yrs old.

Answer 1

AAARRRGGGHHHH........
You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way.
He thinks he needs his ego stroked. If you let him get away with it , he'll be doing it for the rest of the time you're married.
Confront him. If you feel like you may be able to trust him in the future.......work on the marriage, otherwise it's best to get out now, and find someone who'll set a better example for your daughters(believe me......a daughter will marry a man just like her Dad, and she learns how she thinks a husband should treat a wife from observing home life).
Good Luck.

Answer 2

DAMN ..... Confront your husband!!!! He is definitely not acting the way a married man should. OBVIOUSLY he is flirting with that girl... Given the content of the IM's , there is so much more than just wanting to keep in touch.
On the other hand, be the bigger person here. Maybe there is something wrong that is happening in your relationship with him that you are not noticing at the moment. Sit back and evaluate your marriage. Is it just him OR maybe there could be something wrong with you too that made him go a stray .... Think about it first.
BUT WHAT THE HECK ..... confront HIM. What he is doing is just plain wrong.
IF he can not give you any valid answer(s) ... drop him like a hot potato.
Well, good luck.

Answer 3

Tell him you were snooping and what you found. The rest of the conversation will depend on his reaction. This is a great place to make sure you and he actually discuss the whole deal of the IM, including you snooping.

Future suggestions include ground rules about the IM thing. You should not have to snoop. He should let you know when there is something there that would potentially upset you. And his end of it should be lily white and innocent. If not your snooping will ferret out the rat.

Answer 4

If i were in your shoes I'd take them off and beat the life out of him. He's obviously waiting for an opportunity to cheat on you. Of course he's going to tell you that he was "never going to do anything behind your back" but he already cheated with that girl without telling you about it. I'd watch him if i were you. You're saying that it's becoming a pattern. Learn from it. If you still have an uneasy feeling - LEAVE HIM. Let him do whatever he wants. Better yet, make him feel the same way he's making you feel. Find someone to write you e-mails like that and make sure he finds them. I'd make his life living hell. I'd make him wish he was a virgin again. But than again, i can't do that, it's all up to you. Don't jump to conclusions but don't let your guard down either. Everything happens for a reason. Good Luck.

Answer 5

sounds like you've found some pretty disturbing information.

He's emotionally cheating on you, and it sounds like he's flirting his way into a position to physically cheat on you as well. One thing to consider is that he hasn't actually cheated (that you know of) yet.

You have 2 options. One, you wait until that trip home and see if he tries to leave you at home one night, or tries to spend some "alone" time with some friends. If he does that, either go with him or follow him. You'll probably not like the way that turns out, but that's one option.

The other option is to call him out on it. Tell him what you saw, and tell him you know there is something going on that shouldn't be. Find out why he's doing it. If he's just doing it because he's a dumb guy and needs reassurances that these people from his past still find him attractive, then that's probably more innocent than it seems. If he's doing it because he's bored and needs some spice, then you should probably leave him. He'll never be satisfied with just you, and he'll eventually cheat.

I'd say call him on it, and try to stop it before it happens. Your call though.... Good luck!

Answer 6

Yeah, there's nothing good with that. It seems as if he's worried about affecting HER relationship (waiting 'til she's divorced to see her), but not concerned at all about his. I agree with someone else on here...print 'em out and confront him with the messages and see what he says. May be some counseling in order if you want to save the marriage. If not, keep the copies and show 'em to a divorce lawyer.

Or if you want to take the particularly evil route, email the girl and tell her he's married. I'd imagine there's a good chance he may have left that little detail out.

Answer 7

The Internet and computers are not real life. For some people they are an imagination, or an extension of their inner self - they do or say things on these things that they would never say or do in real life. Unfortunately there is now a whole generation that does not view computers as an artificial world. To them it is their reality, poor souls. Just to say you would does not mean you will. I got news for all women who have not already figured it out. We men fantasize and are thinking about sex all the time and if you knew what we were thinking you would slap everyman you met. We are half dog and half man. The subtle difference is that you in no way act on these fantasies. I would sit him down and make sure he understands that trolling on the Internet for love or relationships of a physical hook up nature is unacceptable. He probably thinks its just a game and does not know how you feel about it. Make it clear to him this one last time. Catch him again, you have already laid the ground rules and he is out on his @ss. I like the @ss thing as it doesn't get blanked out. Now, the evil me says that maybe you and your husband could hook up with her. Nothing says loving like sharing. See I told you , you would slap me, just a fantasy, not reality. Keep everything in perspective.

Answer 8

It would almost sound as if he has checked out of his marriage when he started talking with the old friend. Nip it before something does come out of it, if he loves you he will stop talking to her. In a marriage if one or the other feels uneasy about someone that person should be willing to give it up, if not then you have problems in the future. Yes, you have a lot to be concerned about after reading your last part of it. He is making excuses to her why you two got together, is it any of her business? He believes it will help him get closer to her with this story of his. Next if he is flirting, yes, that is harmful to a marriage. What if the shoe was on the other foot what would be his feelings? Or is it okay for him but not you?

Answer 9

Honey, i can't believe u even have to ask but love is blind so he has obvisiouly blinded you..What I hope yu will do is get to an attorney fast and file for a divorce...than go to ur doctor and gets tested for std's. He is no good and I'm being mild with my words. Her is trying to have an affair with this woman. Don't let him tell you he was just playing around..A married man in love with his wife does not play around like that. Your in my prayers. You are too good for the trash u r married too!! I wish u the best.

Answer 10

Believe your instincts. I don't trust him as far as you and I both could throw him. If you don't have any children, you better bail before you do because then it's a whole 'nother ballgame. He is dishonest at best. And I don't believe he should flirt with anyone much less a stripper who offers to send pictures. You are sensing the truth as far as I can tell.