Can my marriage be saved?Will he ever forgive me?

Question

Me and my husband have been happily married for 8 years.We had 2 kids, one 4 the other 6.Three month ago my younger son Jordon passed away from cancer and it just about killed me.I wasn't dealing at all and left town a month after the funeral to stay with an ex-boyfriend/good friend to get myself together,leaving my husband and 6 yr old on their own.I stayed away for 3 months because I just couldn't deal with being at home where everything reminded me of my son.I came home last week and although my son was overjoyed to see me,my husband has barely said a word to me since I left.He begged me to come home whenever I called but I was never ready until now and now it seems it's too late and he can't forgive me for leaving.I don't believe in getting professional help.What do I do?

We were very happy before my son died.We had the world at our feet and when my son died I just couldn't cope,it was killing me.I didn't go to the ex for comfort,I went because he lived so far away,away from all the memories.I don't trust therapists because I've been in therapy before for an eating disorder and he abused his position when treating me.

Answer 1

For your sake and the sake of your child and husband, please reconsider getting professional help. It does not hurt and can do a world of good. Joint counseling should be pursued. It is all confidential.

Answer 2

I am sorry for your loss. It is a horrible experience to lose anyone to such an insidious disease as cancer, especially a child.

You are not going to want to hear this, but you made a bad choice to leave your husband and surviving child during such a terrible time. Even though it was a difficult time for you to be thinking about being in your home without your deceased son; how difficult was it for your husband and your surviving child? I am sure that deep down they felt like they had lost two people that they loved.

The fact that you left town to stay with an ex-boyfriend has not helped your relationship with your husband. If you had felt the need to remove yourself from the home, you should have stayed with a female friend or a family member.

Unless your husband is able to forgive these actions on his own; I do not seem much hope here. Sorry to be blunt, but that is a fact.

You are most likely going to have to get over your feelings of not wanting professional help; as I do not see many other options here.

You have to decide that you want this marriage to work, or not.

You have interrupted the beginnings of the normal grieving process for your family by leaving.

Why are you against professional help? You start off your series of questions sounding so positive that you have been happily married for eight years, and end on a very different note that has very little to do with the loss of your son. A happily married women turns more to her husband and remaining family during a terrible loss; not away from them.

I wish you and your family well, I hope that you find your answers.

Answer 3

First of all, deepest condolences for your loss. I don't have children, much less lost one, so I can't even imagine what you are going through.

However, I cannot empathize with - or even understand - how you handled the situation, and you have to face up to what you've done. You abandoned your family in its darkest hour, thinking only of yourself. You ignored your husband's desperate pleas for help, and left him - alone - not only to deal with his own grief, but also to explain to your 6-year-old son why his brother won't be coming back, and why his mother (apparently) doesn't love him anymore. There's no telling what kind of psychological damage you've inflicted on your son. If that weren't enough, you violated your marriage vows, adding insult to your already injured husband.

What you did was brutal and callous and selfish. The sooner you admit to that, both to yourself and to your husband, the better. Will your husband forgive you? Maybe. He'd have to be a FAR better man than me, though. If I were your husband, you would have gotten a divorce summons when you were shacked up with your old flame, right about the time you discovered that your key to the house didn't work anymore, your credit cards had been canceled, your name was off the bank accounts, and your car had been repossessed.

You have no right to put any conditions on asking for your husband's forgiveness. You're going to have to get over yourself about seeking professional help. Go see a priest or a pastor or a rabbi if you're religious. If not, pray anyway, and go see a counselor.

Answer 4

First, I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine! Second, what were you thinking? Your husband and other son needed you then too. You abandoned them at a time when you needed each other. They must have been going through a horrible time themselves. You still had a responsibility to your other son, He needed his mommy after losing his brother. You definitely need counseling. Your son and husband need closure. They were grieving over two losses. You have to make sure your other son can get passed it as well as your husband. Do you love him? You need to figure out why you didn't feel like you could lean on him. Don't close the doors until you understand why you did what you did. It has more to do with than just losing your son. Talk to your husband. Be together and grieve together and get the closure you need. Than and only then can you move on. Good Luck!!!!!

Answer 5

It was really selfish of you to leave your husband and your older son at home to deal with it by themselves. This was not only your tragedy. At times of tragedy you are suppose to look to your family for support from each other. And the fact that you don't believe in getting professional help is even more selfish. I'm sorry for your loss but you did handle it badly. You both needed each other. I would do anything at all costs to fix the situation even if that means professional help. This man took care of a 6 year old alone for 3 months while dealing with the loss of his son and his wife.

Answer 6

Since you seem dead set against professional help, would you consider speaking to a priest or rabbi? Depending on your religious affiliation, churches will often offer marriage counseling and since you aren't comfortable with a therapist, you may still get the benefit of getting help although perhaps not from a licensed professional. You have to be willing to meet half way as this problem is too big for you to solve on your own and your marriage is at stake.

Answer 7

What you did was not a good move, but it may have been the only thing you could have done for yourself. NOW, move on. If you still want to be with your family, stay there. Maybe it will work out on it's own, eventually. Talking to someone can help. It doesn't have to be a professional, but you have fewer problems with professionals.

Answer 8

Of course he's upset, he had to stay at home and hold things together this whole time. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. I can't even begin to imagine what either of you are going through. I don't know why you don't "believe" in professional help but I think its time you re-think it. You both have a long road ahead of you. Get professional help before you both make decisions that make your life fall apart.

Answer 9

are you for real, you left because it just about killed you! what about your fecking husband!! how did it affect him, oh you dont know because you ran away when it got hard oh and to an ex!!!!which you must have feelings for or you wouldnt type ex boyfriend/good friend and not think what your writing.

YOU DONT BELIEVE IN PROF HELP BUT YOUD ASK THE QUESTION ON HERE!!!!!!!!!!!! its nice you kept calling him though to keep messing with the mans head why cant you understand why he is unhappy, we on here do not know how your marrage was like b4 but if it was decent you will work it out together but dont for one minuite hold a grudge to him for not being forth coming now your back, he has had to deal twice to your once, death and abandenment,

sorry if my reaction is shocking to you and some people but it just looks funny your asking for help on here when you need to talk to each other and listen!

Answer 10

you LEFT your husband alone to deal with grief? so he had to deal with the kids AND grief all by himself and you ran into your ex's arms? if he ever forgave you, he's a bigger man than Me. This was a time when your supposed to be together for strength. And you left, I dont have a clue how to fix that. Now he has the grief of losing a child, and his wife, and the bills, etc. He is probally wondering what is going to be the thing that triggers you to leave him again for your ex. You need to fix the trust issue. It's severly damaged.

Answer 11

You don't believe in professional help but ex boys are a big help? I don't accept losing your son as a good excuse to desert your husband and your living child. You are very selfish. He shouldn't forgive you if you have no remorse for what you did to them.